The different kinds of depression and my experiences with them

For those who are unfamiliar with depression, there are actually 2 main kinds of depression: major depressive disorder and dysthymia.

Brief explanation:

Dysthymia: dysthymia would be considered the "lesser" of these two forms of depression. The feelings of depression are not quite as strong, but they last much longer--often 20-30 years.

Major Depressive Disorder: This is a much stronger form of depression, but it usually lasts over a period of months instead of several years. However, those with dysthymia may also get bouts of major depressive disorder.

I was diagnosed with dysthymia when I was 19 and in my second year of college. Yay for me. I felt like the biggest loser at the time because in my perspective it meant something was "wrong" with me. I'm glad I'm way beyond that phase now. I signed up for a counselor, who was awesome, and was able to help me overcome some issues, like assertiveness, which in turned helped boost my self-esteem immensely. After about 6 months of therapy my counselor and I decided that I was at a good place and didn't really need counseling any more. What a great feeling that was! I wasn't perfectly happy all of the time of course, but I was emotionally in a pretty good place.

Enter mission. Holy Hannah. Enter major pressures from everywhere and everyone, plus my already existing dysthymia, incredibly hard work, a mission experience quite different that I had imagined and I had just the right recipe for a pretty bad major depressive episode. Woooooah mama. Enter anti-depressants that were not right for me. Rollercoaster plummet. Hoooo-wee. I consider that the darkest time of my life. There was no one to blame for it. It's what happened, I can't change that, but I can recognize it for what it was: depression. What it was not: anyone's fault. And you know what, as horrible and dark as that time of my life was, I have grown and learned from it. And I am doing soooo much better. I wouldn't wish the experience I had on anyone, but I'm grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me enough to give me such an immense trial, even if it did push me to my most outer limits.

It's been almost a year and a half since I've returned from my mission. When I got back, I got put on different medication that was better for me and I began my slow healing process. I can't believe how far I've come since then, with the help of more therapy from another awesome therapist, meds, and the support of some really incredible people. And above all, the Atonement. It's incredible that Christ knows exactly what I go through, and He knows how to help me and WILL help me as I put forth all the effort that I have as well.

I still struggle with dysthymia and I'm still on medication, although when I reach a relatively stress-free part of my life, I will try to take myself off of them. Everyone has their crosses to bear, and this is one of mine. And you know, maybe I'm completely crazy, but I'm actually incredibly grateful for it. Because it has made me so much more understanding and compassionate to others, matured me, refined me, and prepared me for future burdens I would have. It definitely prepared me for my current church calling as a Relief Society president in a single adult ward....turns out there are quite a lot of sisters that struggle with depression...and I can actually make some kind of positive impact in their lives.

I am so blessed.

My art project...finally

Okay, so here are the art pieces I made that I mentioned in an earlier post. Each piece is about a different mental disorder, and of a real person that has that disorder.

1) Depression.

This one is actually a self portrait. I took journal entries from my mission from times where I really struggled, laid them on the ground, and then dripped ink from the art piece, which then dripped onto the journal entries (like tears...get it...?) Mediums used: copied paper, ink, conte crayon, charcoal.

2) Eating Disorder

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From here on out I will not identify who the people are, in order to protect identities. This one is a pretty literal piece--I used nail polish (because it is a "beauty item") to write down thoughts that a person with an eating disorder might or do have. The papers scattered about the piece are the nutrition labels of various food items, with the calorie count circled. The scale on the top is real, and the "belt" of the shirt is measuring tape. Materials used: wood base, shirt, scale, nail polish, various mixed media.

3) Depression (again)

These are various images of the same piece. I wanted to depict how often those with depression show a happy exterior, but feel miserable underneath. To me, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're "faking" it, but simply that people often do not see what a person with depression is actually feeling.

I did a 4th piece on PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as well. However, it's a pretty heavy piece, and I don't feel comfortable posting it in a public place as of now. Anyway...I would love to keep making more, but it will have to wait until I have more free time. Hope you enjoyed!

DON'T JUST SIT THERE

Here is some hard but honest truth about depression--if you do nothing to try to change how you feel, then you will still feel miserable. And sometimes worse. If you want to feel happier, it requires action on your part. No one else can cure it. Of course, having the support of friends helps, but it's like that analogy of hanging on other peoples' testimonies--you can only do that for so long before you have to have your own. So it is with your personal happiness--the happiness and support of other people can help, but it can never replace what you are actually feeling.

So...what is there to do? GET HELP. If you have been feeling miserable for a long time for no reason, GET HELP. You are doing yourself no favors by wallowing in self-misery and feeling like you deserve to feel that way. No, you don't deserve to feel that way. It's time to show yourself some self-respect and ACT. This usually means going to a doctor. Yes, it is scary, especially if it's your first time. There is unfortunately a bad stigma often associated with seeking professional help for depression because it supposedly means, "something is wrong with you." That's a load of crap. What it REALLY means, is that you are showing yourself that you care enough about your well-being to take care of yourself, including your mental health.

What kind of doctor? Well, it is best if you meet with both a medical doctor that can prescribe you some great meds, in addition to seeing a counselor/therapist. THEY ARE SO GREAT!!! Honestly, I would never have progressed as much as I have without the great counselor I had at BYU, in addition to finding a medication that was right for me. I realize that counselors can be expensive (unless you're a BYU student--it's FREE!!! YES, FREE!!!!!!!!!!), but finding a good counselor is WORTH IT. I will write some other posts that elaborate more on therapists and anti-depressant meds another time.

That said, you need to DO something about your depression. Yes, that requires action. It requires making a phone call, or stepping into an unfamiliar doctor's office. Yes, that can be scary or very uncomfortable. But no one there is going to look at you and be like, "Oh gee, I wonder why she/he is here? They must have ISSUES. What a LOSER." No one is thinking that. In fact, if you're in the counselor's office, the other people sitting there are there for the same reasons you are! You are not alone.

So, let me sum up the important things really quick:
1) If you don't do anything to change the way things are, then they will not get better. End of story.
2) Show yourself some self-respect and realize you DO deserve to be happy, and that YOU should DO something about it.
3) Don't expect immediate change--you've taken an important and huge step, but there is still a road to travel. Progress is gradual, and you need to be patient with yourself, and with your doctors, who really do have your best interest in mind. Give it all some time--medication usually take a few weeks before you notice a difference, and counseling takes several sessions so you can apply what you learn and change any unhealthy paradigms that you've been stuck with for awhile.
4) IT'S WORTH IT. IT IS WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE HAPPY
5) Oh, and keep praying to God for help and reading your scriptures during all of this. He will help guide you, provide comfort, and the scriptures provide a solid source of truth for you to lean on, especially when it comes to the Atonement and our Savior's love for YOU.

Hang in there. You are doing better than you think.