Composing...

I made this song on a whim. I have zero recording skills, so the sound quality isn't a hundred percent, but it's not a problem. I didn't really know what to call it, so I titled it "Flown Away."

Loving Yourself

I think it only appropriate after talking about self-acceptance to move on to the next step: self-love. A girl in my ward talked about the very subject today, and I felt like it was a very appropriate topic to discuss here.

I think we all know people who love themselves maybe too much, and many of us do not love ourselves enough. Before throwing myself into the scary world of missionary work, I definitely had some assertiveness issues. For some reason, I felt that others' needs were more important than my own, and consequently got walked over like a doormat, had terrible self-esteem, went unnecessarily out of my way to accommodate others' trivial needs, and frankly got myself into some rather interesting and uncomfortable situations that could have been avoided had I loved myself just a little bit more. In fact, my other blog, which documents the embarrassing moments in my life, can mostly be attributed to my lack of assertion.

I have since learned, that no one's needs are above mine, but nor are mine above those of others. I am of equal value of those around me. Once I realized and embraced that idea, my life became much more liberating. I could still be kind and still serve others, but I didn't need to give up things that were necessary for myself in order to make people happy. I learned how to say "no" when appropriate and not feel so guilty. This was a huge step for me in actually treating myself like I loved myself.

In the talk I heard, the young woman, Kellie, mentioned how we need to develop a relationship with ourselves, as silly as that may sound. We need to take time for ourselves. I totally agree! Constantly criticizing ourself destroys that relationship, and is a next important step in self-love. Constructive criticism is needed in order to progress, guilt is needed to repent and draw closer to God, but constantly abusing ourselves for every little thing we do wrong is not healthy. Recognize all the good that you are. Learn to love and become friends with the person in the mirror.

Low self-esteem is difficult to overcome. But it definitely can be done!!! You are a wonderful child of God--a God in embryo. That means you have eternal potential to grow and progress and become like our Savior. How cool is that? Even if you feel talentless, worthless, and love-less, you currently, as in this very moment, have the potential to become like our Heavenly Parents. You are of Royal lineage, and it's time you started treating yourself that way. You are not the scum of the kingdom, a peasant, slave, servant, or handmaid/butler. You are of the very Royal Blood, the son or daughter of a Celestial King and Queen and can obtain all the blessings that They enjoy. So, act like it, and treat yourself like it. You aren't better than anyone else, but no one is better than you either.

Hugs.

Move Along

I heard this song today, and I think it is true--when things are going bad, just move along and you'll make it through.

Celebrating the Victories

During a trial, I think it's really important to celebrate the victories, however small they seem. Doing that helps me feel more motivated, as well as helps me see how much I'm actually progressing. For example, if I actually go out and exercise: victory. If I get out of bed on a really rough day: victory. I make myself a real meal instead of a quesadilla or ramen: victory. I got my homework done: you go girl.

It's easy to focus on the perceived "failures," but that is both harmful and just plain demotivating. I noticed on my mission that leaders who focused on the good we accomplished were MUCH more effective in pumping us up for the work than those who constantly reminded us how much we needed to improve.

So, celebrate the things you DO achieve. You didn't lose your patience and blow up at someone like you normally might or want to do: victory. You got the nerve to talk to that cute guy/girl (even if they didn't seem responsive): victory. You did a small act of service: you rock my world.

If you accomplish something really difficult, you can even make a tangible reward--buy yourself some kind of reward, eat a bowl of ice cream....I don't know...be creative.

So, let's celebrate! :)

Learning Self-Acceptance

One of the hardest things about depression, is learning to accept yourself. Figuring out who you are and facing that isn't the most comfortable of things to do, unless you have uber high self-esteem, which many people with depression do NOT have.

So, let's talk about it.

Who are you? Well, let's start with the basics. You are a child of a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother who love you no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Ok, we've got that covered.

Next: you are human. That means you are subject to imperfections. But guess what, everyone you associate with is also human. That means they aren't perfect either. So stop feeling like you don't measure up to everyone else. We weren't all meant to be cookie cutters of the same perfect person either. You also don't see all of the weaknesses of seemingly flawless people, because you are not them. But we've all got them. And that's okay. The best part is, through Christ we can overcome those perfections. Some in this life, and some in the next. But eventually, through Christ's Atonement, our flaws will be ironed out and we will become perfected.

Most likely, if you are reading this, you suffer from mental illness. Well, guess what--me too! We're in this together. I'm really sorry that anyone would have mental illness. But here's the great news that you really need to get through to your brain: it's not your fault. In my case, it's my darn genetics' fault. I have a family tree full of depressed anxious ancestors who probably wondered what was wrong with themselves too. But there's nothing WRONG with you. You have a weakness, a trial, but there's nothing wrong with that. At all. Let me say it simply: there is nothing wrong with having depression, or any mental illness. Unless it was brought on by substance abuse, it is most likely not your fault. So, don't guilt yourself out if/when you feel crummy. It's actually a lot easier to deal with once you accept it and stop guilting yourself out for having it. Instead of thinking, "Why do I feel like this??? What is wrong with me???" think, "Whew, I don't feel good. I'm having another issue. Okay...let's just get through it." It  takes the burden off quite a bit, trust me.

I remember as a missionary truly feeling like a failure. I was ashamed of who I was, the thoughts and feelings I had, and my self-perceptions as a worthless servant of God. In fact, when I look at mission pictures or talk with other missionaries I served with, a lot of those negative feelings resurface. I'm learning at a snail-like pace to accept who I was though. I'm feeling pretty alright with who I am now, but I still have a lot of issues with who I perceive I was. I'm trying to learn to correct that. It's really hard. Really really really really hard. Especially because most people don't understand why I feel this way. So, this journey of self-acceptance feels extremely lonely, which makes it harder. BUT it's not impossible. At least, I won't let myself believe that it's impossible. Hope is pretty much what keeps me going.

Anyway...I feel like I'm covering a lot of things... basically I think the whole gist of what I'm trying to get at is that it's okay to be YOU. It's okay that you have problems. We don't have to let those problems be what define us though. I would never solely define myself as "Depressed." Because that definitely is not what makes me act and it certainly doesn't entail my beliefs. Now, "Christian artist return missionary student secretary who likes to cake decorate and still enjoys popping bubble wrap" would be a much more appropriate definition. But not even that little blurb could really define me. Especially because I'm not done growing and developing...which each of us will do our whole lives.

When Depression Revisits

Ofttimes, with depression, it's not a steady feeling of misery, but rather it comes in visits like an unwanted neighbor.

"I'm back!!!!!!"

                                

 It could be triggered by a new challenge, remembrance of the past, unkind words said, or maybe for just no reason at all.

It is extremely frustrating to be hit by another bout, especially when we have been feeling great for a time, and have maybe even felt like we had finally conquered the imbalances in our heads. There was a scripture that always made me question: "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy." 2 Ne 2:25. I felt like if we exist to have joy, then why does God allow us to have depression? It just didn't make any sense to me. Then I came across another scripture, I'm not sure what the reference is, but it talks about how after this life, the righteous will go to a place of rest, where they will be free from pain and sorrow...it was so comforting. It is so hopeful to know that one day, we will not be even slightly bothered by mental illness. Ever again. Cool!!! But I do believe, after much reflection and study, that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy during our life, not just after.

However, when Adam fell, that introduced all sorts of bad stuff...sin and countless diseases and sicknesses... But with all of that, God provided a Savior to help us. Not necessarily take the burden away, but to help us through it, or make it lighter, or make us stronger. But, like Enos, we have to "wrestle before the Lord" (Enos 1) much of the time. But we always come out stronger. Remember: you are a fighter. Don't lose hope.

I'm still struggling to know what to do to feel relief when I am revisited with unwanted depression attacks. Something that has helped me lately is work. I just got a full-time job, and it has done wonders for me. It keeps me busy and I feel more independent--something I have always longed for. Keeping busy with something productive has made me totally mentally switch gears. I am WAY more productive than I have been in the past 7 or so months. And that feels fantastic in itself. I was informed how when we do things like play solitaire or read or surf the web all day on a bad day, we are just trying to numb out the depression...but that just puts ourselves in a trap. Get out and get a change of environment. Go on a walk. Go to the store. Whatever it is... but get out.

Most of all never never never lose hope. Maybe you need some new meds (a lot of people have to try more than one kind before they find their "match"), hire a counselor (they rock), and know that as long as you are doing everything you can, that your Heavenly Father is going to help you out. My Bishop gave me the counsel to just get a change of environment when I'm feeling crummy, and then pray for a tender mercy to cross my way when I get to that place as a sign that He approves and/or is watching out for me. I haven't really tried that...but I think I will next time. Or you can put it into practice and let me know how it goes.

What works for you? I'd love to post responses. You can post, or e-mail me: cali_angel777@yahoo.com Let me know if you want it to be anonymous. Remember, we're all in this together. You don't have to fight depression alone, and all contributions are welcome. :)

Hugs.

To any person who has ever felt less than attractive

So, I was driving back from Salt Lake, and was relentlessly bombarded by billboards signs trying to convince me to use lipo or remove varicose veins (or remove my mother's at least) or get rid of my baggy eyes. Frankly, it was embarrassing. Not for myself. I know I can always drop a couple pounds, I've had dark circles under my eyes since age 5, and I am even starting to get those red little spider veins across my legs. And you know what? I don't give a pile of horse manure. I am embarrassed for our society, which tells people that if they were thinner, younger looking, etc. etc. THEN they would be of more value. What a BIG. FAT. LIE. Seriously, why the heck does that even matter????? No wonder eating disorders are so common.

In this area of life, I miss Paraguay a ton. There, it didn't matter if you were a stick or had a gut, had hairy moles across your face, had an appendage missing, wore plaid shorts with a floral shirt, or had a white eye from blowing a firecracker in your face (which I saw on more than one occasion.) It just didn't matter. Yeah, people tried to make themselves look half-decent, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't a sick obsession like here in the good ol' U.S. of A. I miss that. I miss not needing to worry if my makeup melted off my face during the hot sweltering day, or if I wore black and brown together. Now, I DO like to perty myself up now after looking like a hobo for a year and a half, but that's because I like to, not because I feel like I need to.

The truth is, external beauty is not what makes you beautiful. I love the movie Shallow Hal. For those who haven't seen it, it's about a guy who sees people whose beauty reflects what their inner beauty is and he has no idea what they look like in real life, and he ends up dating this 500 lb girl. Fantastic movie.

                        

 I mean really, would you rather marry a gorgeous person who is a total jerk or a not-so-good-looking person who was not only nice, but talented, ambitious, or had any other combination of great qualities. Seriously people. We'll all get resurrected with fan-flippin'-tastic glorious bodies anyway, and we'll all get old and wrinkly and grey during our mortal probation. So, stop worrying about it. I mean, don't let yourself go or anything, but don't worry if you have an ugly day. Or week. Or year. It's okay.

"But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for theLord ^aseeth not as ^bman seeth; for man looketh on the outward^cappearance, but the ^dLord looketh on the ^eheart."  1 Sam 16:7 


There you go. I think the scripture speaks for itself. But here are some more reassurances from popular media that actually have good messages. :)

Mika: Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)

 Joe Crocker: You Are So Beautiful