Long overdue update

Well folks, it has been almost a year since I've touched this blog. I didn't forget about it. I just stopped getting inspiration for it. But for me, that is a good thing, because most of my inspirations came from bouts of depression.

So I thought I would give an update.

In March of last year, I weaned off of my antidepressants. I haven't touched any since. It felt like a huge victory. I haven't been without an occasional bout, but I haven't needed to rely on medication any more. And it feels wonderful.

In April, I met my half brother for the first time in person. It was amazing.

In June I started dating this really awesome guy.

In August I got released from being the RS President and was called to be the Sacrament Meeting pianist. My dream calling!

Yesterday, that really awesome guy and I celebrated one month of being married.

Life has been incredible. Now, I feel like I should mention, last year I went through some really ugly experiences. But I don't want to mention them here. I am trying my best to move past them. Because my life is awesome right now. And I don't want to taint my "now" with the past.

But my thoughts keep reverting to this blog, especially as I continue to meet these wonderful people I know that are going through depression, anxiety, and other painful things they would rather not have to deal with. And so I made a New Year's Resolution.

I want to make this blog into a book.

I have thought about this for awhile. I even have an outline. I am not always good at reaching really big goals like this. But I am feeling really determined to make this one happen. I am not giving myself a deadline. I'd like to be pretty much done with it by the time the year ends, but knowing me, something big and unexpected could happen and make this go on pause for a bit. But this is the goal.

That said, I want to know if there is anything you would like me to talk about in my book that I may or may not have mentioned in this blog. Like any questions you have that you want answered. Or any personal experiences of yours or mine that you'd like me to share.

Anyway... I hope that all of you are doing really well. Like REALLY well. Because amidst heartache, pain, trials, mental anguish, feelings of loneliness and sadness...life is beautiful.

HUGS

The different kinds of depression and my experiences with them

For those who are unfamiliar with depression, there are actually 2 main kinds of depression: major depressive disorder and dysthymia.

Brief explanation:

Dysthymia: dysthymia would be considered the "lesser" of these two forms of depression. The feelings of depression are not quite as strong, but they last much longer--often 20-30 years.

Major Depressive Disorder: This is a much stronger form of depression, but it usually lasts over a period of months instead of several years. However, those with dysthymia may also get bouts of major depressive disorder.

I was diagnosed with dysthymia when I was 19 and in my second year of college. Yay for me. I felt like the biggest loser at the time because in my perspective it meant something was "wrong" with me. I'm glad I'm way beyond that phase now. I signed up for a counselor, who was awesome, and was able to help me overcome some issues, like assertiveness, which in turned helped boost my self-esteem immensely. After about 6 months of therapy my counselor and I decided that I was at a good place and didn't really need counseling any more. What a great feeling that was! I wasn't perfectly happy all of the time of course, but I was emotionally in a pretty good place.

Enter mission. Holy Hannah. Enter major pressures from everywhere and everyone, plus my already existing dysthymia, incredibly hard work, a mission experience quite different that I had imagined and I had just the right recipe for a pretty bad major depressive episode. Woooooah mama. Enter anti-depressants that were not right for me. Rollercoaster plummet. Hoooo-wee. I consider that the darkest time of my life. There was no one to blame for it. It's what happened, I can't change that, but I can recognize it for what it was: depression. What it was not: anyone's fault. And you know what, as horrible and dark as that time of my life was, I have grown and learned from it. And I am doing soooo much better. I wouldn't wish the experience I had on anyone, but I'm grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me enough to give me such an immense trial, even if it did push me to my most outer limits.

It's been almost a year and a half since I've returned from my mission. When I got back, I got put on different medication that was better for me and I began my slow healing process. I can't believe how far I've come since then, with the help of more therapy from another awesome therapist, meds, and the support of some really incredible people. And above all, the Atonement. It's incredible that Christ knows exactly what I go through, and He knows how to help me and WILL help me as I put forth all the effort that I have as well.

I still struggle with dysthymia and I'm still on medication, although when I reach a relatively stress-free part of my life, I will try to take myself off of them. Everyone has their crosses to bear, and this is one of mine. And you know, maybe I'm completely crazy, but I'm actually incredibly grateful for it. Because it has made me so much more understanding and compassionate to others, matured me, refined me, and prepared me for future burdens I would have. It definitely prepared me for my current church calling as a Relief Society president in a single adult ward....turns out there are quite a lot of sisters that struggle with depression...and I can actually make some kind of positive impact in their lives.

I am so blessed.

My art project...finally

Okay, so here are the art pieces I made that I mentioned in an earlier post. Each piece is about a different mental disorder, and of a real person that has that disorder.

1) Depression.

This one is actually a self portrait. I took journal entries from my mission from times where I really struggled, laid them on the ground, and then dripped ink from the art piece, which then dripped onto the journal entries (like tears...get it...?) Mediums used: copied paper, ink, conte crayon, charcoal.

2) Eating Disorder

, 

From here on out I will not identify who the people are, in order to protect identities. This one is a pretty literal piece--I used nail polish (because it is a "beauty item") to write down thoughts that a person with an eating disorder might or do have. The papers scattered about the piece are the nutrition labels of various food items, with the calorie count circled. The scale on the top is real, and the "belt" of the shirt is measuring tape. Materials used: wood base, shirt, scale, nail polish, various mixed media.

3) Depression (again)

These are various images of the same piece. I wanted to depict how often those with depression show a happy exterior, but feel miserable underneath. To me, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're "faking" it, but simply that people often do not see what a person with depression is actually feeling.

I did a 4th piece on PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as well. However, it's a pretty heavy piece, and I don't feel comfortable posting it in a public place as of now. Anyway...I would love to keep making more, but it will have to wait until I have more free time. Hope you enjoyed!

DON'T JUST SIT THERE

Here is some hard but honest truth about depression--if you do nothing to try to change how you feel, then you will still feel miserable. And sometimes worse. If you want to feel happier, it requires action on your part. No one else can cure it. Of course, having the support of friends helps, but it's like that analogy of hanging on other peoples' testimonies--you can only do that for so long before you have to have your own. So it is with your personal happiness--the happiness and support of other people can help, but it can never replace what you are actually feeling.

So...what is there to do? GET HELP. If you have been feeling miserable for a long time for no reason, GET HELP. You are doing yourself no favors by wallowing in self-misery and feeling like you deserve to feel that way. No, you don't deserve to feel that way. It's time to show yourself some self-respect and ACT. This usually means going to a doctor. Yes, it is scary, especially if it's your first time. There is unfortunately a bad stigma often associated with seeking professional help for depression because it supposedly means, "something is wrong with you." That's a load of crap. What it REALLY means, is that you are showing yourself that you care enough about your well-being to take care of yourself, including your mental health.

What kind of doctor? Well, it is best if you meet with both a medical doctor that can prescribe you some great meds, in addition to seeing a counselor/therapist. THEY ARE SO GREAT!!! Honestly, I would never have progressed as much as I have without the great counselor I had at BYU, in addition to finding a medication that was right for me. I realize that counselors can be expensive (unless you're a BYU student--it's FREE!!! YES, FREE!!!!!!!!!!), but finding a good counselor is WORTH IT. I will write some other posts that elaborate more on therapists and anti-depressant meds another time.

That said, you need to DO something about your depression. Yes, that requires action. It requires making a phone call, or stepping into an unfamiliar doctor's office. Yes, that can be scary or very uncomfortable. But no one there is going to look at you and be like, "Oh gee, I wonder why she/he is here? They must have ISSUES. What a LOSER." No one is thinking that. In fact, if you're in the counselor's office, the other people sitting there are there for the same reasons you are! You are not alone.

So, let me sum up the important things really quick:
1) If you don't do anything to change the way things are, then they will not get better. End of story.
2) Show yourself some self-respect and realize you DO deserve to be happy, and that YOU should DO something about it.
3) Don't expect immediate change--you've taken an important and huge step, but there is still a road to travel. Progress is gradual, and you need to be patient with yourself, and with your doctors, who really do have your best interest in mind. Give it all some time--medication usually take a few weeks before you notice a difference, and counseling takes several sessions so you can apply what you learn and change any unhealthy paradigms that you've been stuck with for awhile.
4) IT'S WORTH IT. IT IS WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE HAPPY
5) Oh, and keep praying to God for help and reading your scriptures during all of this. He will help guide you, provide comfort, and the scriptures provide a solid source of truth for you to lean on, especially when it comes to the Atonement and our Savior's love for YOU.

Hang in there. You are doing better than you think.

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

I read this article from here and thought it was totally applicable for this blog. There are so many truths here. Love it!

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.

Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.

Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.

Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.

Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.

Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.

Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Coming soon.... :)

So, I wanted to just announce a project I'll be starting. In my figure painting class, we need to create a body of work that is tied together and work on that for the rest of the semester. I decided to focus on psychological disorders. I announced my project via facebook asking for participants and was surprised that six people messaged me! I will be focusing on the themes of depression, eating disorders, dysthymia (a form of depression), OCD, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The final results of this project may appear disturbing or uncomfortable to look at...but that's kind of the point. Mental disorders are NOT comfortable. But they are a big issue that need to be talked about, especially in the church where they are often shoved under the rug or totally misunderstood. I'll post the results of the project at the end of the semester...about mid-December or so.

Hugs!

You are not a terrible person for having depression

I'm sorry I haven't really updated this in awhile. I haven't really had any spurts of inspiration. But I'd like to address a little thought: I've noticed that we people with depression, or even those that are just going through a hard time, tend to give ourselves guilt trips about the bad feelings we already have. Isn't that funny--we already feel bad, so we make ourselves feel worse by thinking we shouldn't feel that way.

Guess what--it's okay to feel crappy. It's okay to have bad days. Yes, they suck, but giving yourself a guilt trip about it certainly won't make you feel any better.

"Why do I feel this way??" "I should be able to deal with this!!" "Other people go through worse things and handle it so much better!!" "What's wrong with me?" Do these sound familiar? Probably.

Well, let's answer these really honestly--you feel "that way" because you have depression. Not because you did something awful. Your dopamine or serotonin levels in your brain are not balancing out right. That's not your fault. It's nobody's fault.

As far as "dealing" with it--you are dealing with it. You have to give yourself credit for all the effort you go through. You are still pushing forward despite feeling terribly crummy. That is dealing with it really awesomely in actuality. Just because the bad feelings don't go away doesn't mean you're not dealing with it.

And the "other people" reasoning--- in actuality, you do not see all of the pain behind the closed doors of peoples' hearts. You only see them from your perspective, not theirs. So it's pretty unreasonable to compare how you deal with things to how you think other people deal with things.

And there is nothing wrong with you. I think with depression people often go through the stages of grief.  Unless you have some serious sins to repent of, in which case, repentance really does work!, it is not your fault for feeling the way you do.