Some Thoughts on the Atonement

Today is Easter. So, in sacred remembrance of what we celebrate on this day, I want to talk a little about Christ and the Atonement. I can't talk about ALL of my thoughts on the Atonement...that would be a whole book. Maybe that's really what this blog is about though--finding access to the Atonement.

Today in church we had a combined Elder's Quorum/Relief Society Meeting, and the EQ President talked about the Atonement. It was wonderful. He talked about the enabling power of the Atonement for a lot of it, how we usually just focus on the repentance part, and not this part. He said, quoting someone else whose name is fleeing me that we always remember that the Atonement is for the sinner, but we often forget that the Atonement is for saints--for good men and women who are obedient. We ALL need the Atonement. And guess what, we ALL have access to it. Unless you've intentionally murdered or denied the Holy Ghost, you have access to the Atonement.

I love Stephen E. Robinson's book Believing Christ. If you haven't read it, it will seriously change your life. He talks about how so often we feel like we need to save ourselves, and through our own grit and willpower, and that if we were just somehow perfect enough through our own strength, then we will be able to save ourselves. Guess what--those who stick to that method cannot, I repeat, cannot, enter the Celestial Kingdom. They just can't. Because we need a Savior. We need One who can fill the gap. He goes on to emphasize that so often we do believe in Christ. Yes, we know of Him, we know of His teachings, of His life...but do we believe Him? Do we believe Him when He says that He has suffered for each individual one of us, to make us whole and complete us? Guess what folks, we have to accept the help Christ offers us. There is simply no other way if we want to live with God again. I think sometimes we are stubborn--I know a lot of the time I am embarrassed to ask for help because I want to be self-sufficient...I feel like I'm weak or incompetent, or I want to have the pride of accomplishing something myself. I also don't want to inconvenience people. And I especially feel uncomfortable thinking that someone really suffered and died for my sake. I think a lot of us are like that.

But that attitude will simply not fly when we stand before God and He'll ask, "Why didn't you take the help that was offered to you, my child?" The response, "I wanted to do it myself" or "I thought I could do it myself" will not be acceptable answers. He requires us to be humble and accept the help that we have been so mercifully given. But like I mentioned in my last post, humility is not a sign of weakness, but of spiritual strength--it is recognizing where your true strength lies (see Preach My Gospel under "Christlike Attributes"--Chapter 6).

To be honest, I really don't understand how the Atonement works. My good friend's mom in a talk compared the Atonement to one of the Mr. Clean white sponge-brick things. She has not a clue how it works, but it cleans everything. I love that analogy. I would like to add that the Atonement can not only clean everything, but heal everything. There is NOTHING too small or insignificant for the Atonement, nor is there anything too great. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I loved a comment one ward member made during the lesson today--he said how when we are struggling, the Lord understands us, not because He suffered something similar, but because He suffered our individual pains. Think about that for a moment. Whatever pain YOU feel, that is what He suffered. Not something like unto it, but the very thing that causes you agony or grief is what He felt.

"11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."
Alma 7: 11-12


There is so much in these verses. Christ knows how to comfort us according to our needs because He suffered our individual pains, sicknesses, and even temptations. What wonderful news that is. We have a Savior. Someone did it for us...what we could not do for ourselves. He makes us stronger, as we accept Him and believe Him. He completes us.

I bear testimony of Him, our Savior Jesus Christ. I know that my Redeemer lives. I testify that He lived, suffered, and died for us, because He loves us. Something I know more than anything is that He loves us. Oh how He loves us! And not just some of us, but ALL of us! I know that the Atonement WORKS. I know that Jesus Christ is the very Son of God, and that He will stand with us before God the Father in our defense if we do all of our part now. I also know that our Heavenly Father loves us...so, so much. He loved us enough to sacrifice His most perfect Child, all so that we could have the chance to return to live in His presence. He wants us to come back to Him. Christ did not come to the world to condemn us, or anyone, but He came to give each of us the opportunity to have salvation. I know that as we go to Him, we can be healed. And I eagerly await for Him to come again.

I say all of these things, in His sacred and holy name, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Running Faster Than Your Strength

So, the other day it was raining, and the temptation was too strong to resist, and I laced up my running shoes and went for a jog in it. I absolutely love running in the rain. Not caring how I look to other people. Just me and the cool rain beating down on my arms and face and soaking my shirt and hair. Running is when I can think the clearest and just run all those bad feelings out of me.

However, I have this really unfortunate chronic disease called asthma. If you don't have asthma, try strangling yourself for about ten minutes or so, or put something down your throat to block 80% of the oxygen flow, and that's a lot of what it's like. And aerobic exercise induces it for me. I was getting so involved in my jog though, and so determined to give it my all, and since most noise was drowned out by the splashing rain, I didn't notice how bad my asthma was until I'd returned home and shut the door. I pretty much had to crawl up the stairs to get the meds I needed, and since I'm out of rescue inhalers, spent the next 10 minutes sucking gaseous medication out of a nebulizer.

While in this state of a mild asthma attack, I realized that what I had just done was a lot like what I do in regards to depression. I run run run, go go go, and tell myself I can do it, I drown out the warning signs until the anxiety and depression get worse, and work myself until I nearly have a mental and/or emotional breakdown. This was especially true on the mission, where breaks were limited to 8 hours of a P-day on Mondays...and that's it, and the rest of the week you worked your tail off. At least, if we had tails, they would have been worked off. There was so much pressure from all sorts of places, and I worked worked worked until I pretty much barely functioned, and when I got home my mental capacities went into complete shut-down mode. Now that I'm back in school, I find myself doing the same thing--work work work, telling myself I can do it, that I should do (or else I'll be a disappointment, or for whatever reason), until I'm so stressed that even writing a 1-page paper takes four hours.

While making this connection, the scripture came to mind from Mosiah 4:27:

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster that he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."

I realized that God does not expect me to do more than I can. Stretch myself, yes, but to understand my limits. Not everyone can run at the same pace--some lucky people are olympic racers, some people do marathons with or without ease, some people like me, an asthmatic, are lucky to do a 5k, and some people don't even have legs. God understands our weaknesses. He even gives us some of them.

"...I give unto men weakness that they may be humble." Ether 12:27

It would be unrealistic to expect a wheelchair-bound individual to compete in an olympic race. But let me get this straight too--a wheelchair-bound person would never ever ever be considered less of a person to God than the gold-medalist. We have different capacities. And we need to be gentle with ourselves. Take a break when you need to. Find out what works for you. Maybe meditation or yoga is a good stress-reliever. Maybe running. Perhaps creating. Maybe sleeping for awhile. Or treating yourself to something. Yes, we should stretch ourselves. But everyone knows that a rubber band stretched too far will eventually snap and break. Be aware of warning signs, especially when you start to feel those dark feelings creeping in. Try to stop them before they get too far. But you need to figure out what works for you--I can't do that for you.

The Ether 12: 27 scripture offers so much hope. Here's the whole verse:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."


WOW. First off, God loves us enough to give us weaknesses...to be humble... but why???? Why is that necessary??? Well, the opposition of humility is PRIDE. Pride is what destroyed the whole Nephite AND Jaredite nations from the Book of Mormon...and countless others from the Bible. Yikes. So, weaknesses are a good thing. But remember that humility does not mean beating yourself up and telling yourself how worthless you are. Ew. No. NOOO!! Humility is recognizing where your true strength lies: in the Lord. And it means giving credit where credit is due. Which is usually to the Lord since it is through Him that all things are possible and He is the only reason why we are actually able to overcome our trials, including that whole death and mortal existence part. Humility is understanding your relationship with God and with Jesus Christ.

Second, His grace is sufficient. What a relief, and what hope that brings. His grace is enough to help us. We don't always feel it in those dark moments, but He is there...because He knows EXACTLY what you've felt. You don't need to work yourself to death and feel like you will never be good enough...His grace is enough to fill what you cannot reach.

Thirdly, He "will make weak things become strong unto [us]." Woah. You mean, mental illness can be a strength....???? You're probably thinking something like, "No, I'm an exception" or "Yeah right, this chick has no idea what she's talking about" or "How the heck can what I have be a STRENGTH to me???"  But I didn't make that scripture up. That is straight out of God's mouth. You have probably gained some incredible skills and strengths through your weaknesses. But once again, you will have to do some soul-searching and discover them yourself...and get on your knees and ask Heavenly Father to help reveal them to you. That is a huge promise at the end of that verse of scripture. And I know that God keeps His promises. He says that over and over--He always keeps His end of the deal. Otherwise He would cease to be God. And then we would cease to be. Which means, God is still keeping His promises. Including to YOU. You are not an exception.

Summary: Be kind to yourself and understand your limits and give yourself some little breaks if you need to. Olympic runners didn't become champions overnight...it took a lot of practice...and even they had to learn to walk once too. And know that your weaknesses are molding you into a better person and can become a strength.

Stop Being Hard on Yourself: You're Better Than You Think

Gosh, we are so crazy hard on ourselves sometimes. Or all the time. If only we were as "with-it" as so-and-so, or got better grades, or worked harder, or had this talent or that, or was as righteous as the RS or EQ president, or hadn't committed that terrible sin or blunder, or said that stupid thing, or didn't have this certain flaw...

Well.....then what?

Well, then--guess what--you'd still be imperfect!!!!! And you know what, that's okay. In fact, I want you to repeat this to yourself: It's okay that I'm not perfect. Say it until you believe it. God did not send you here expecting you to be perfect. That's why we have a Savior. To make up for what we lack. Sometimes we feel like it's all up to our works to save us, but we forget that grace is involved too. Grace and works. We need them both. But that's a whole other topic.

But you know what, despite however many imperfections you have, you have so many strengths. Some of you may be thinking, "No. Really. I don't. I've tried looking for them, and I have no talents. No skills. I can't draw. Or sing. Or write. Or handle a ball. I can barely even tie my shoes. I am completely talentless."

If that's what you're thinking, shut up. Not you, but the voice in your head telling you that. That's a load of crap. You do have talents, you're just so used to that voice telling you how talentless you are that you don't want to believe you have talents. Yeah, that's right. Maybe you're afraid of knowing that--oh my gosh--you were blessed with gifts. You have skills that other people don't have (but don't compare...that's unhealthy too.)

Let me name one skill you have right now: you are a fighter. I don't mean like those scary butch muscular chicks or dudes in a wrestling rink that I hope to never run into on the street.

I mean emotionally, you are a fighter! Look how far you've made it! I especially refer to those of you who suffer from mental illness, who have reached that point of suffering where you just wanted to throw in the towel and give up. But you didn't!!! It may have meant suffering through another hellish night of loneliness, pain, fears, or anxieties...but you didn't give up!!! You have so much more strength in you than you realize.

In one of my psychology classes, I was disturbed to learn that 10% of those who suffer from major depression successfully commit suicide.

DON'T BECOME A PART OF THAT STATISTIC.

You are stronger than you realize. Be easier on yourself. It's okay to take a "mental health day" and not be Wonderwoman or Superman for a day. Stay in bed til 2 in the afternoon if you need to. (I'll admit to doing that one. Just don't do it often or it becomes self-destructive.) Go buy yourself ice cream for no reason at all. Play a video game. Look up funny youtube videos for an hour or two. Even Olympians need some rest. And you are an Mental Olympian CHAMP. So, cut yourself some slack and start telling yourself some positive things for a change. Tell yourself how wonderful you are. Write down a list even. I do that a lot actually...and it helps! Maybe you're really good at making people laugh or have a good smile. Maybe you have memorized the first 50 digits of pi. Maybe you dressed super fashionably today. Maybe you are talented at sleeping through bomb-like noises. Perhaps you have pretty hands or feet or some other desirable body feature. Perhaps you have excellent taste in sci-fi literature. Maybe you know how to speak the languages of Star Wars. Maybe babies adore you for no apparent reason at all. Perhaps you are very sensitive to people's needs. Maybe you cook really well. Or maybe you're really good at starting kitchen fires. The list is endless. But seriously, make a tangible list if you have to. I mean really, even dirt has skills. It makes plants grow and is really fun to play in. If you've got toe fungus then you make plants grow too!...hehe. :D You've got skills. I promise. And I mean more than harboring plant life on your epidermis. Take the effort to find them out. I think you'll be surprised.

Just realize how strong you are. Mental illness is not a sign of weakness. In fact, I truly believe it makes you stronger. I mentioned in another post how it is an opportunity to master yourself. I see where I am sometimes and feel so frustrated that I'm not the person I want to be...and then I step back and see where I've been and realize how much I've grown. I can honestly say that having depression has made me a better person in a lot of ways. That doesn't mean I want it. That doesn't mean it still isn't so hard sometimes that I'm too depressed to even cry out the indescribable pain I feel. But I can say I've grown from it. And I look back on my mission and think, "Holy smokes. I can't believe I made it so long. I can do anything!! I am a fighter!!!"

And so are you.

Poem

One of my good friends wrote this beautiful poem that pretty much expresses how I feel. This is posted with her permission. 




As a child, small, perfect...not understanding there 
could be imperfection...
I just was.
No words to explain or make okay...
I just naturally loved-no holding back or building walls.
Exploring this beautiful
                              amazing
                                       world..
Even more fun with a friend.
    who was also perfect just as.
Time meant NOW.
Was or Would be, didn't matter.
Joy hugged me and I didn't even know it.
 
Then....I ate the fruit.
Everything changed..
I learned about imperfection...and felt holes forming inside of me.
Shame
Guilt
Fear, un-ease...messed up ideas of time-
stress...
Competition was introduced...
a Winner, a Loser.
Lables
Deep sadness...depression.
New words to try to understand.
Boxing myself up.
Trying to be what I should, a new idea.
a new me-so you will like me or think I am enough-
and maybe your love will take me back to perfect acceptance.
Exploring again.
I so miss that!
 
Restoration.
Hope.
Love.
A way to believe I am clean when I feel so dirty.
Atonement....
offered by He who is also Love and Creator
Can His blood perfect even me
-a sinner, 
a time waster,
a person full of holes?
 
His grace....magical, perfect grace--
Wraps me in humility
a desire to forgive
so clearly seeing that I have been forgiven...
 
becoming childlike again in this grown up body...
pleading for my heart to become one with His so I
too can spill out grace and charity.
 
He's helping me....and
he's perfectly patient....
 
--Becky Goodwin  April 17, 2011

A Heartwarming Example of Making Lemonade Out of Lemons

Okay, let's get real--there is almost nothing cuter and smile-inducing as a baby laughing. In this particular video, the dad had ripped up a job-rejection letter, which made his baby laugh hysterically. You may have seen this video already, but I thought it was appropriate for this blog.  :)

Finding Joy in the Little Things

A few months ago, when I was still in my home ward, the Relief Society had an activity in which we all received a little journal, called the "gratitude journal." Each day we were to record 5 things we were grateful for that day, and we were never allowed to repeat anything from a previous day. The first couple days obvious things are written down, like family, but we quickly saw that we'd have to be creative. I haven't been perfect with it, but it sure has been fun to notice the little things that happen that I am grateful for. I think this is a great exercise for people that feel down--go buy a little notebook and start doing it too! I think you'll be surprised. You are encouraged to doodle, expound on the 5 things, put in clippings, quotes, etc in the book....just make it personal!

Here are some of the things I have put in my book:

• friends who care
• family
• my own computer
• access to a car
• my art talents
• getting my scripture reading done earlier
• sleeping in
• an excuse to "gussy up"
• home food from Mom
• finding old clothes that I love
• reminiscing about my childhood
• Christmas shopping with my brother (he convinced me to buy a toilet seat for a white elephant gift exchange...it was hilarious)
• ward choir
• Institute
• blogging
• rain
• good in-laws
• sushi
• playing with niece and nephews
• the magic a 3-year old brings at Christmastime
• dates (good ones!)
• good root beer
• cake batter ice cream
• safe traveling
• the snow
• Icee's
• conversations about art
• top ramen
• chocolate-covered pretzels
• a successful first week of school
• getting lost with Reba
• crepes
• compliments from boys
• talking in Spanish for 2 hours with a native speaker while doing service at DI
• roommate bonding
• dropping a bad class and signing up for a better one (best decision I made this semester)
• dropping a pants size!!
• acing a quiz even though I did the wrong reading
• getting my paper done and turned in
• not having a quiz in Classroom Management today!
• a blind date that actually wasn't awkward
• making myself a real dinner
• getting my temple recommend
• success in teaching Sunday School!
• watching "The Bachelor" with Maegan
• leftovers
• becoming friends with the guy at the front desk of the CCC
• getting my paper done despite bad anxiety
• warmer weather
• safety
• being able to eat after being sick for so long
• goal setting
• being able to kiss and hold hands again
• strawberry milk
• finishing the 5k and doing it with siblings
• receiving revelation
• string cheese
• awesome home teachers
• meeting my visiting teacher
• meeting a fun person in class, making the time go by so much faster
• fun April Fool's pranks
• my mission president and his wife
• healing
• board games
• a living prophet and apostles
• and countless names of people...chances are, if we've hung out, you've made it in my journal. :)

"In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy."

Do I Matter?

I think as humans we all feel the need to matter. And I mean more than just feel loved. I think we all know that there are people that love us a lot--parents, siblings, friends, relatives... one really doesn't have to look too far before realizing that yes, there are people that care.

However, for me that is not enough. I want to make a difference.  I want to know that my little life has made an impact for good during my relatively short time here on earth. I want to know that there really is some kind of mission for me here during my life. And I know that I can't save the world or help everybody, but I just want to know that I have made a positive impact somewhere that would not have happened without me. I think that's another reason why I have this blog...I hope that it makes a difference to someone somewhere.

I think we make more of a positive impact than we realize. I don't think we'll really know all of the positive influences we have spread until after this life. I didn't realize that me doing even something as little as saying my prayers had any kind of effect on anyone until my younger sister told me that my example had led her to establish a habit of saying her prayers as well.

I love the movie "It's a Wonderful Life." I always wished I could have that experience that Jimmy Stewart did, to see what life would have been like had he never been born. Sometimes I'm scared though and wonder if nothing would have changed had I not existed. But that would be impossible. We have a huge impact on others.

I want to relate an experience with you, in which I felt I was told of the impact I had made, as well as the impact someone else had on me:

Before my mission, I worked as a cashier at the Creamery on Ninth. I was at the bottom of the totem pole--a 20-21-year old dealing with mostly freshman at a job that any high schooler could have easily done. But I loved my co-workers. There was one guy, Mike, that was particularly a light-shiner. He had been one of the stockers and recently had been promoted to be a supervisor. He was always laughing and happy, and always asked everyone, "Are you happy today?" You just couldn't help but smile when you were around Mike. At the time of this story, he had been married for about a month, was 22 (I think), and made working a boring job so much more tolerable, and even enjoyable.

One day, he happened to be supervising my shift, which only happened about once every 3 weeks. I was counting out my register drawer at the end of my shift when Mike said, "Angela, I just want to thank you for working here. With all the new people that are starting here, it's really nice to have someone that knows what they're doing." I was really flattered, and surprised. The compliment really meant a lot to me. It wasn't meant as a put-down to the newbies by any means, but was a sincere and out-of-the-blue compliment to my competence.

The next week, to the absolute shock of everyone, Mike was killed in a car accident. Just like that.

That was the first time in my life that I questioned God's motives. I could not understand why He would take away someone so good, so needed, so young...barely married... I found out the day after the accident, and had to go to work that night, where I greeted my coworkers whose red, swollen eyes matched mine. I remember at one point I had to leave the register and I disappeared into the milk refrigerator to "stock milk" and squatted down to the floor and just sobbed my eyes out. I felt a grief like I had never known.

That night when I got home, I begged God to help me understand why such a horrible thing would have to happen, but as I received no answers, I slowly changed my request, and instead of pleading for understanding, began to plead for peace. When I awoke the next morning--the day of the funeral--I felt such an amazing feeling of peace. I knew that even though I didn't understand the situation, I knew that everything was okay, that Mike was okay, and that God was in control. It was one of the strongest personal moments of the Atonement healing me that I have ever felt.

So many people were at the funeral. It was clear that Mike had left an impact on so many people...so many people that there were not enough seats for everyone.

I miss Mike still. But my experience with the whole situation, as undesirable as it was, taught me of the impact that we have on one another. He had made my life happier, and I guess I had made some kind of small impact in his. So, the point I'm trying to make is, even though you might not recognize it, you do make a positive difference, somehow, some way. You do have a mission to perform during your life. Keep up your fight. It is not in vain.

                                                     Michael Hess with his wife. Miss you.