Closing Up Shop

After some thought, I have decided that it is time to wrap up this blog.

This is my final post, and I will try to keep it simple, but I can't promise it will be short, because I want to tie up any loose ends. I'm not sure anyone reads this blog anymore, except for the times I have shared posts on Facebook. If you have kept following this blog, thank you. My goal in creating this blog was to help others, and so I sincerely hope you found words that you needed in your times of trial.

It is time for me to close this chapter of my life and move on. I had started a book based on this blog. I wrote a lot, but I feel like it is time to focus on other things right now. Maybe I will finish it one day. But now is not the time.

I made this blog to help others, but ironically, I found that this blog really helped myself. I found myself writing words that I would look back on later on a hard day and find I had written the very counsel I needed. Funny how life is like that.

Serving a mission with depression was by far the hardest trial I have gone through up to this point in my young life. But I have learned so much from it, so I am not bitter or resentful. It wasn't the mission I was expecting to serve. And that's okay. When I initially came home, I couldn't look at missionaries or drive by the MTC without feeling sick to my stomach. I couldn't listen to missionary homecoming firesides, because all the guilty and ugly feelings I felt as a struggling missionary would return. But now when someone tells me that they have received their mission call, I am truly happy for them. Because missions are wonderful experiences. They are hard. So very, very hard. I literally gave my blood, sweat, and tears. But I can look back and say that it was absolutely worth it. It refined me, and continues to refine me. I was far from a perfect missionary, but I can honestly proclaim that I gave it my best shot.

The time after my mission spent healing continued to be so difficult. But I wasn't going to let depression win. And I fought. Every day, I fought. I lost a lot of weight from having no appetite. School was much more difficult than my pre-mission days. I remember one time taking four hours to write a simple one-page paper because I simply couldn't concentrate. The frustration of feeling I had lost my identity as the once "good student" was overwhelming. I felt like I had very few people to talk to that would understand. Some friendships were even lost because of that misunderstanding.

But I was also infinitely blessed.

The biggest blessing of fighting my depression was that I had to start my testimony over from scratch. I learned for myself what was true doctrine, and what was simple church "culture." I learned firsthand that the Atonement is quite real, and that our Heavenly Father and Savior are ever mindful of us, even if we feel alone. Their love for us is so real, and without caveats.

I also learned how strong I was. I learned that one bad day didn't determine my destiny, and that bad days are okay to have every once in awhile. I learned that when I took responsibility and didn't blame others for my trial, and really turned to the Lord, I really did get better. It was slow-going. But now I feel healed.

I became more polished. More understanding of others. I still have a long way to go, but I think I am that much closer. There are still wounds I feel. The fear of going back. The sickening reminder of all the mistakes I made, but hoping that it will be okay because I did the best I could with what I had. The fear of reading through my mission journals. One day I will read them again, but not yet.

I made many new friends, some of which I wouldn't have made had I not gone through this trial. I became more empathetic to others who were different from me. I became unashamed of the fact that I had depression, because there was nothing to be ashamed about.

To anyone else that struggled with depression on their mission, I just want to wrap you in a good, long hug and say, "Everything is still okay. The Lord loves you. You didn't fail."

To anyone that suffers from depression, mission or not, I want to wrap you in a hug too and say, "You are so loved. The Lord loves you. Keep trying. It's all going to be okay. Don't let go."

I want to echo Elder Holland's words and say that I know for myself that "broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed." It takes time. The road isn't easy. But it is possible.

My heart is very full right now. I have conquered my biggest demons. I know I will have more trials in the future, but that is just how life is. Right now I am truly happy, and so full of gratitude.

Thank you to my husband and baby, who give my life a fulness of joy.

To Becky, who was a much needed friend during a rocky time of my life.

To my mission companions and mission friends--I have learned so much from each of you.

To my mission presidents, who emulated Christ-like love when I needed it most.

Thanks to everyone who joined me for this journey. May you continue to hold onto the hope that is in Christ, which truly leads to an eternal happiness.


    Love,
        Angela

How to help (and not help) someone coping with depression

Disclaimer: This post, nor this blog, has all the answers. I am only speaking from my own experience. I am also not perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes and I ask for forgiveness where I have made mistakes in attempting to help others. I would love to hear what has worked for you in the comments section. Also, this post is going to be less eloquent and a little more candid than my other ones.


If you don't have depression, it is almost certain that you know someone who does, whether they have made it known or not. If it is a family member or friend, you may be unsure of how to help. So here is a list of do's and don'ts when it comes to this subject.

Do:
1. Let them know you care. Your loved one will immensely appreciate it if they feel like you care about them, even if you don't totally understand what they are going through. Asking something like, "What can I do for you?" is very kind and shows you care, even if the offer is declined.

2. Let them talk about it if they want to. This means listening. They might not necessarily want you to fix their issue (and they probably don't), so just listen. Phrases like, "I'm so sorry" are welcome here. Sometimes people just need to vent and feel validated.

3. Let them have a bad day. Contrary to what we tell ourselves, it's okay to have an imperfect day. It's okay to have an occasional breakdown. It's okay to cry sometimes, even if it seems like there isn't a good reason behind it.

4. Invite them to do things with you. On one rough day, my sister called me and asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her. She didn't know I was having a rough day and that I wanted nothing more than to lay in bed all day. But I felt like I couldn't say no, and so I went. And you know what--I felt a lot better than if I had just stayed in bed. And it was sure nice to know that there was someone that wanted to spend time with me.

If a person declines, maybe offer again or give a reason why you'd like them to go with you. But don't push it if they seem like they really don't want to go. You can't control their agency, and that's okay.

5. Please accept that what they are going though is a very real and miserable experience. Just because you don't know what it is like or have never experienced it, does not make it any less real to them. A bad day for you may end when the sun goes down. Sadly, a bad day for them often lasts for weeks, months, or years.

6. Take care of yourself. You know those cheesy safety videos before you takeoff on a flight? Of course you do. ("Smoking is NOT ALLOWED on any Delta flight!") In these videos you are told that if those air masks fall in front of you, that you need to put on yours before you help someone else that needs assistance. Same thing--you can't take care of someone if you aren't taking care of yourself first.

Don't:

1. Don't tell them all the things they should have done differently to prevent them from feeling the way they do now. It's condescending. And you can't change the past anyway, so why are you bothering to tell them? Right after my mission, I opened up to a friend about struggling with depression while on my mission. Instead of saying something like, "Wow, that sounds so hard," he instead told me in so many words that if I had just stopped focusing on myself then I would have had more baptisms. Think I felt like he cared? Guess again.

2. Don't blame yourself. Unless you were abusive. Then blame yourself, because you are a scumbag. Otherwise, it isn't your fault. Don't guilt yourself out for not having seen the signs, or for not "being a better parent/sibling/friend" thinking it would have prevented their having depression. No one is perfect. And sometimes depression just happens. We can't always prevent bad things from happening. It's just how life is.

3. Don't make them feel like something is wrong with them. Sounds kind of obvious, but I'm speaking from experience. They already feel like something is wrong with them, and they certainly don't need your judging comments to confirm it. When I wrote home telling my family I was coming home a transfer earlier than expected, one relative wrote me and told me how disappointed they were in me. They told me that I was just giving up when it got hard. Let me tell you, that person didn't know a dang thing what I had been going through, how many prayers I'd said, how many tears I'd cried, how many buses I was tempted to jump in front of each time they passed. What I needed was support, not daggers. I had already received several answers to prayer that going home was the best thing for me, and I had 100% support from my mission president. But they thought they knew better, so that made them right, right? Wrong. It just made me feel even more hurt, and like I couldn't trust them. In case you didn't know, giving a guilt trip to get people to do what you think is best only makes you look like a jerk.

4. In relation to the last one, don't tell them all the things they should be doing different. Suggestions are great. "Have you tried...", "This worked for me, maybe it could work for you..." "What if..." Those are okay. But dictating their life (constantly saying "You SHOULD do...." and then making them feel bad every time they don't do what you tell them) will only make it look like you want to be in charge of their life, which if you do, it's time to back off a little. They have their agency, and you have yours. If they do things different, that is their choice. Now, if they are harming themselves or threatening to harm themselves or others, it is probably time for an intervention, and I do suggest calling 911 or taking them to a hospital. If they are mad at you for preventing them from hurting themselves or others, so be it. If the threats turned out to be false or a cry for attention, well, you didn't know any better and that's okay. Because if it was a real threat, then I think you can live knowing you saved a life.

5. Don't stop taking care of yourself. Do I sound like a skipping record? I have made this mistake. You are your first priority. It doesn't make you selfish by taking care of your own needs first. Don't try to carry a person if you yourself feel like you are sinking. Helping others can be empowering and strengthening sometimes, but if helping another is making you sink into depression, then you might want to consider drawing some boundaries, and/or getting some help for yourself. You are not the Savior. The Savior is the Savior. Let Him do His job. Yes, we can help be His hands, but not to the point that it destroys you too.


I hope this post was helpful and that it made sense. I will again apologize for the mistakes I have made in helping others. I'm not perfect, but I am trying the best I can. Thanks for stopping by.

You are beautiful

I love this quote! Don't forget that you are beautiful, even if you don't feel so. :)

Gratitude: A Thanksgiving Post

Gratitude has been on my mind a lot lately. Part of this is because Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and part of it stems from experiences I've had recently. I believe gratitude to be one of the most uplifting virtues man can possess. Sadly, it seems to be one of the most lacking in today's world of consumerism, where we need to buy what we really don't need, and this year you can buy it all on the holiday during which we used to express thankfulness for the things we already had.

I love this quote:

If I were to pick a quote to hang up in my apartment, this would be it. I truly believe that gratitude turns us into happier people. If we want to look for things to complain about, it's not too hard. But if in a moment of negativity, we stop for a second to just count even a few of our blessings, I believe we will be happier.

I am not claiming that gratitude will cure clinical depression. But I would like to issue a challenge to you: go get a piece of paper, or pull up Microsoft Word on your computer, and write out just a few things that you are grateful for.

Here are some things I'm grateful for:

1. The Atonement, through which we can find strength, healing and forgiveness

2. Family, especially my husband and soon-to-arrive baby (as well as my parents, siblings, and in-laws)

3. An apartment that has carpet, storage, a dishwasher, and a blessed laundry room

4. The scriptures. I have found so much knowledge, strength, revelation, and expression of God's love for me through them.

5. Having our very own furniture, even if it is an eclectic mix of DI, IKEA, new, hand-me-down, and yard-sale finds. It is OURS. 

If you're tired of that activity, then try this one: write down 2 things that you are grateful for that happened TODAY.

Here are mine:

1. I ate some oreos. They were delicious. 

2. I got to talk on the phone with my half-brother who is on the other side of the country.

 I am willing to bet that if you repeated either of these activities every day, or even every other day, life will seem a lot less gloomy. I asked a group of people for some ways that helped them get through depression, and one person said that really taking the time to look for the good in life, people, and everything was something simple that helped her. I love that. Some days it seems we have very little to be grateful for. The world may seem dark or lonely. But if we step back and take some time to see those good things, I think we will find a lot more things to be grateful for that we may have missed. Here is an old post of mine if you would like to see another one of my gratitude lists, written in a moment of patriotism. 

As we express gratitude, I do believe that we are happier. Remember to take the time to thank Heavenly Father for the blessings you have. He loves it when we do that. :) If someone did something we appreciate, tell them so. It will make both of you happier. Don't believe me? Just try it and see what happens.

What are you grateful for?

Agency

The role of agency can seem a little distorted when it comes to depression. One often hears the phrase, "Happiness is a choice!" and yet, that choice isn't really available for one dealing with mental illnesses like depression.

Despite this, there is still much within your power! You still have your agency. God has not taken away your ability to choose. You still have the choice of how to approach this trial—to let it harden you, or humble you. You also have the choice in deciding whether or not you will do anything about your depression. The decision to make a phone call and schedule an appointment with a doctor or to sit and do nothing is entirely up to you. You have the choice in how to use your time, how you will treat those around you, and whether or not you will keep the commandments. While making those choices might be more difficult, remember that you are not helpless, nor hopeless, and that there still lies within you the power to choose and act for yourself.

         Because you still have the precious gift of agency, you are accountable for how you handle your depression. It is not the responsibility of those around you to “fix” you, and to wait and rely on other people to do so will only lead to disappointment, blame, and rocky or terminated relationships. Please don’t misunderstand—I am not telling you here to deny the help and counsel of loving and willing hands around you. Nor am I telling parents that they are not responsible for their children that struggle with depression. What I am saying is that it is an unrealistic expectation to give your burden to another person, and then expect them to be responsible for the outcome. Ask for help, but be accountable. It is unreasonable to expect anyone other than Christ to be your Savior. Not that people cannot act as His hands, which we are asked to be. People can help, but only Christ can redeem—do not ask others to take that responsibility that is unique to Him only.

         The hard but honest truth about depression is that if you decide to do nothing about it, then it probably won’t get better. Remember that you are doing yourself no favors by sitting and wallowing in self-misery and telling yourself you deserve to feel that way. No, you do not deserve to feel that way. Show yourself some self-respect, and act. Taking the first step in doing something about your depression can seem scary or intimidating, because it can mean making a phone call, stepping into a doctor’s office, and opening up to someone. Just remind yourself that you deserve to be happy, and that it is worth the effort. It is worth the effort to be happy.

As you take charge of your life, putting your hand in God’s, I believe that you will find in yourself more power than you realized you had. You will find the strength to overcome, little by little, what before seemed impossible. Don't give up. You have more strength than you realize. And you know what? YOU are wonderful.

Elder Holland is the man!

Wasn't Elder Holland's talk on depression this weekend amazing??? I love General Conference. I have been looking for a talk like Elder Holland's for a long time. And he just nailed everything on the head. His talk was much needed for a lot of people. If you didn't get a chance to watch it, here is the link to it (I had trouble trying to download it, so this is plan B).

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10

Medication and Therapy

Recently I've had a couple of people ask me about my thoughts on using medication and therapy/counseling as a way to treat depression. There was a similar vein of concern in the people I talked with--the stigma associated with these methods is not often a good one. Many people know of instances where an individual reacted negatively to the medication in some way, such as making their depression feel worse (even to the point of acting suicidal), or they had to deal with frustrating side effects, such as feeling extra tired, or they may feel that they shouldn't need to rely on medication to cope.

Many are also hesitant to see a counselor. Some of these reasons may include bad experiences with a past counselor, feeling like your issues aren't big enough to warrant seeing a counselor (after all--"There are so many people with worse problems!"), or they are simply embarrassed to go, etc.

My opinion on these issues in a nutshell is that I am a total believer in utilizing antidepressant medication as well as seeing a counselor. But let me expound a little and share my experiences with these two subjects.

On medication:

My experience: It is true that sometimes, but certainly not every time, nor in most cases (that I know of), a medication will initially lead to a person feeling worse than before they even took it. This actually happened to me on my mission. The medication I was prescribed immediately made me feel like my depression took a nosedive. I completely lost my appetite, I couldn't sleep, and suicide honestly felt tempting--not because I wanted to die, but because I was so desperate to do anything to stop feeling the way I did. We called up the mission psychiatrist and he told me to stop taking my medication. When I came home from my mission, my family doctor put me on a different medication that was a lot gentler. I was told that I would start to feel a difference in about 2-3 weeks. So about a month later, I did a self-inventory and realized that, yes, I felt a LOT better. The change had been so gradual that I hadn't really noticed it until I did my self-evaluation. It felt wonderful. A couple of months later I went back to BYU to continue my college education and after a couple months I felt like I needed a change of medication again. What I was on had helped tremendously, but I still felt like there was room for improvement. I talked to a doctor at the Student Health Center and I was put on a new medication. This last antidepressant helped even more than the previous one had. It felt incredible. However, this medication gave me the unlucky side effect of feeling exhausted all the time. I was so tired that I thought there must be something else physically wrong with me, so I went and got tested for sleep apnea (that was interesting, let me tell you) as well as mono. I had neither, and concluded that it must have been from my medication. But I felt, and still feel, that I would MUCH rather be tired than depressed, and so I stayed on that medication until I finally felt like I didn't need it anymore and quit using meds entirely.

My advice: So my advice on this matter is that it is worth trying. If it makes you feel worse, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR immediately and get off of it and ask for something different. Not everyone reacts the same to a medication. The antidepressant that made me feel worse has worked for a lot of other people, and a friend told me that the one that I felt worked the best for me made her feel worse and she needed something different. Also, don't be discouraged if you don't notice a difference right away. 2-3 weeks can feel like forever, but it is worth the wait. If after a month and a half or so you still feel exactly the same, I would talk to your doctor and see if you can try something else. Some people don't get their "match" right away. That's okay. It's frustrating, but it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Just ask for something different if you feel like you need to. It is totally worth it when you find one that works. There are TONS of different antidepressants out there. Some are more catered to those with anxiety, some more for depression. Talk to your doctor and he/she can give you advice on what may be a good match for you. Also, if you have been on a medication for awhile, don't EVER quit it cold turkey. If you are going to quit taking it, do it gradually, otherwise you could have some bad physical side effects (shaking, feeling faint, that kind of thing.) Talk to your doctor about it, as each medication could be different.

On therapy/counselors/shrinks/whatever you want to call it:

My experience: I have seen counselors in two different periods of my life--the first was during my Sophomore year of college when I had dysthymia (the less intense form of depression), and the second was after my mission when I came back to school. I saw each of them for about six months. I started seeing a counselor at the recommendation of the doctor that diagnosed me with dysthymia. My initial feelings were of embarrassment and apprehension. I had grown up believing that only people with major problems (that I would never have, right??) went to counseling. When I started my sessions, I was embarrassed and felt like the other people in the waiting room were judging me and I was always grateful that I never ran into anyone I knew. I was also terrified to tell my parents, because I had no idea how they would react. I learned the following really quickly: counselors are there to help, whether your problems be big or small. They provide insights that you don't have and they are trained to help people. All kinds of people. Including you. I also realized that the other people in the waiting room were probably feeling just as painfully self-aware as I was, and that they were probably worrying too much about their own issues to wonder what mine were. I also found that my parents were very supportive. My mom told me that she was glad I was going because our emotional health is just as important as our physical health. I took a lot of comfort in that and never forgot it.

My first visits with each counselor was more of an initial "get-to-know-you" session rather than me venting about all my problems. I was not on any medication while I saw my first counselor, nor did I really need any at that time. Having the counselor was enough at that point in my life. During my second "episode," we'll call it, I was also on medication, because my depression was a lot stronger then. I felt like having both resources was extremely helpful for me then. Both of my counselors were male, and my second counselor had served a mission in Bolivia (I had served in Paraguay, located just below Bolivia). Since a lot of what I needed to talk about and resolve centered on my mission, I felt like he could relate to my concerns. I quit seeing each of them when they and I both felt like I was at a good place in my life and no longer needed therapy. I continued with my medication for some time after I had quit seeing the second counselor, but when I felt like there was nothing chaotic going on in my life and that I was in a good place emotionally, I stopped the medication as well.  I have not had a need for it since. That could always change, but my goal was never to be on medication for forever, but just long enough to get back "on track."

My advice: Counselors rock. But not everyone is going to have the same experience with the same psychologist. If you don't feel like you click with your counselor after some sessions, then there is no reason to not switch. When I started seeing a counselor, he told me right off the bat that if I wanted to switch to see someone else (like a woman counselor, or just someone new) then that was totally fine. This is your money and your life, so there is absolutely nothing wrong with switching to someone that you like better. But remember that the first session is usually an in-take kind of session and not a typical one. So don't quit after the first one--give it a chance. Also remember that going to therapy will not immediately fix things. It takes time. They often are trying to help you make some paradigm shifts in your life and that takes time. But it is worth it. It is so nice to see someone that is professionally trained to help you deal with life, who won't judge you, and who isn't going to call your mutual friend to blab about things you want to keep personal. Also, your counselor can only help you as much as you are willing to open up to them. They are not mind-readers, so don't expect them to be. The more you open up to them, the more information you are giving them, and thus more tools for them to help you.

Also, don't confuse counselors and friends. Friends are not equipped in the same way counselors are. And counselors are not your best bud that you call all the time. Counselors are usually temporary relationships. And don't treat a friend like you would a certified therapist. It is wonderful to have friends to talk to. But if you are consistently telling a lot more to your friend(s) than your counselors about serious issues, then I think that's a little backwards. Venting is one thing. We all need friends to vent to, talk to, and relate to, especially when we find someone that has had similar experiences. Having a friend to talk to who also had dealt with depression was one of the biggest blessings of my life. We got to share experiences and help each other and it was something that really helped me. But she was not my counselor. There was a difference. Be wise. That's all I will say about that, because I'm not exactly sure how else to phrase what I mean.



In conclusion, using medication or therapy does not make you a bad person. It doesn't categorize you into some terrible group of people, and it doesn't mean you are being overly dramatic. These are tools that I honestly believe come from our Heavenly Father, and I believe He is proud of us when we take steps that will help us move forward. Best of luck on your journey.

~hugs~

Long overdue update

Well folks, it has been almost a year since I've touched this blog. I didn't forget about it. I just stopped getting inspiration for it. But for me, that is a good thing, because most of my inspirations came from bouts of depression.

So I thought I would give an update.

In March of last year, I weaned off of my antidepressants. I haven't touched any since. It felt like a huge victory. I haven't been without an occasional bout, but I haven't needed to rely on medication any more. And it feels wonderful.

In April, I met my half brother for the first time in person. It was amazing.

In June I started dating this really awesome guy.

In August I got released from being the RS President and was called to be the Sacrament Meeting pianist. My dream calling!

Yesterday, that really awesome guy and I celebrated one month of being married.

Life has been incredible. Now, I feel like I should mention, last year I went through some really ugly experiences. But I don't want to mention them here. I am trying my best to move past them. Because my life is awesome right now. And I don't want to taint my "now" with the past.

But my thoughts keep reverting to this blog, especially as I continue to meet these wonderful people I know that are going through depression, anxiety, and other painful things they would rather not have to deal with. And so I made a New Year's Resolution.

I want to make this blog into a book.

I have thought about this for awhile. I even have an outline. I am not always good at reaching really big goals like this. But I am feeling really determined to make this one happen. I am not giving myself a deadline. I'd like to be pretty much done with it by the time the year ends, but knowing me, something big and unexpected could happen and make this go on pause for a bit. But this is the goal.

That said, I want to know if there is anything you would like me to talk about in my book that I may or may not have mentioned in this blog. Like any questions you have that you want answered. Or any personal experiences of yours or mine that you'd like me to share.

Anyway... I hope that all of you are doing really well. Like REALLY well. Because amidst heartache, pain, trials, mental anguish, feelings of loneliness and sadness...life is beautiful.

HUGS

The different kinds of depression and my experiences with them

For those who are unfamiliar with depression, there are actually 2 main kinds of depression: major depressive disorder and dysthymia.

Brief explanation:

Dysthymia: dysthymia would be considered the "lesser" of these two forms of depression. The feelings of depression are not quite as strong, but they last much longer--often 20-30 years.

Major Depressive Disorder: This is a much stronger form of depression, but it usually lasts over a period of months instead of several years. However, those with dysthymia may also get bouts of major depressive disorder.

I was diagnosed with dysthymia when I was 19 and in my second year of college. Yay for me. I felt like the biggest loser at the time because in my perspective it meant something was "wrong" with me. I'm glad I'm way beyond that phase now. I signed up for a counselor, who was awesome, and was able to help me overcome some issues, like assertiveness, which in turned helped boost my self-esteem immensely. After about 6 months of therapy my counselor and I decided that I was at a good place and didn't really need counseling any more. What a great feeling that was! I wasn't perfectly happy all of the time of course, but I was emotionally in a pretty good place.

Enter mission. Holy Hannah. Enter major pressures from everywhere and everyone, plus my already existing dysthymia, incredibly hard work, a mission experience quite different that I had imagined and I had just the right recipe for a pretty bad major depressive episode. Woooooah mama. Enter anti-depressants that were not right for me. Rollercoaster plummet. Hoooo-wee. I consider that the darkest time of my life. There was no one to blame for it. It's what happened, I can't change that, but I can recognize it for what it was: depression. What it was not: anyone's fault. And you know what, as horrible and dark as that time of my life was, I have grown and learned from it. And I am doing soooo much better. I wouldn't wish the experience I had on anyone, but I'm grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me enough to give me such an immense trial, even if it did push me to my most outer limits.

It's been almost a year and a half since I've returned from my mission. When I got back, I got put on different medication that was better for me and I began my slow healing process. I can't believe how far I've come since then, with the help of more therapy from another awesome therapist, meds, and the support of some really incredible people. And above all, the Atonement. It's incredible that Christ knows exactly what I go through, and He knows how to help me and WILL help me as I put forth all the effort that I have as well.

I still struggle with dysthymia and I'm still on medication, although when I reach a relatively stress-free part of my life, I will try to take myself off of them. Everyone has their crosses to bear, and this is one of mine. And you know, maybe I'm completely crazy, but I'm actually incredibly grateful for it. Because it has made me so much more understanding and compassionate to others, matured me, refined me, and prepared me for future burdens I would have. It definitely prepared me for my current church calling as a Relief Society president in a single adult ward....turns out there are quite a lot of sisters that struggle with depression...and I can actually make some kind of positive impact in their lives.

I am so blessed.

My art project...finally

Okay, so here are the art pieces I made that I mentioned in an earlier post. Each piece is about a different mental disorder, and of a real person that has that disorder.

1) Depression.

This one is actually a self portrait. I took journal entries from my mission from times where I really struggled, laid them on the ground, and then dripped ink from the art piece, which then dripped onto the journal entries (like tears...get it...?) Mediums used: copied paper, ink, conte crayon, charcoal.

2) Eating Disorder

, 

From here on out I will not identify who the people are, in order to protect identities. This one is a pretty literal piece--I used nail polish (because it is a "beauty item") to write down thoughts that a person with an eating disorder might or do have. The papers scattered about the piece are the nutrition labels of various food items, with the calorie count circled. The scale on the top is real, and the "belt" of the shirt is measuring tape. Materials used: wood base, shirt, scale, nail polish, various mixed media.

3) Depression (again)

These are various images of the same piece. I wanted to depict how often those with depression show a happy exterior, but feel miserable underneath. To me, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're "faking" it, but simply that people often do not see what a person with depression is actually feeling.

I did a 4th piece on PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as well. However, it's a pretty heavy piece, and I don't feel comfortable posting it in a public place as of now. Anyway...I would love to keep making more, but it will have to wait until I have more free time. Hope you enjoyed!

DON'T JUST SIT THERE

Here is some hard but honest truth about depression--if you do nothing to try to change how you feel, then you will still feel miserable. And sometimes worse. If you want to feel happier, it requires action on your part. No one else can cure it. Of course, having the support of friends helps, but it's like that analogy of hanging on other peoples' testimonies--you can only do that for so long before you have to have your own. So it is with your personal happiness--the happiness and support of other people can help, but it can never replace what you are actually feeling.

So...what is there to do? GET HELP. If you have been feeling miserable for a long time for no reason, GET HELP. You are doing yourself no favors by wallowing in self-misery and feeling like you deserve to feel that way. No, you don't deserve to feel that way. It's time to show yourself some self-respect and ACT. This usually means going to a doctor. Yes, it is scary, especially if it's your first time. There is unfortunately a bad stigma often associated with seeking professional help for depression because it supposedly means, "something is wrong with you." That's a load of crap. What it REALLY means, is that you are showing yourself that you care enough about your well-being to take care of yourself, including your mental health.

What kind of doctor? Well, it is best if you meet with both a medical doctor that can prescribe you some great meds, in addition to seeing a counselor/therapist. THEY ARE SO GREAT!!! Honestly, I would never have progressed as much as I have without the great counselor I had at BYU, in addition to finding a medication that was right for me. I realize that counselors can be expensive (unless you're a BYU student--it's FREE!!! YES, FREE!!!!!!!!!!), but finding a good counselor is WORTH IT. I will write some other posts that elaborate more on therapists and anti-depressant meds another time.

That said, you need to DO something about your depression. Yes, that requires action. It requires making a phone call, or stepping into an unfamiliar doctor's office. Yes, that can be scary or very uncomfortable. But no one there is going to look at you and be like, "Oh gee, I wonder why she/he is here? They must have ISSUES. What a LOSER." No one is thinking that. In fact, if you're in the counselor's office, the other people sitting there are there for the same reasons you are! You are not alone.

So, let me sum up the important things really quick:
1) If you don't do anything to change the way things are, then they will not get better. End of story.
2) Show yourself some self-respect and realize you DO deserve to be happy, and that YOU should DO something about it.
3) Don't expect immediate change--you've taken an important and huge step, but there is still a road to travel. Progress is gradual, and you need to be patient with yourself, and with your doctors, who really do have your best interest in mind. Give it all some time--medication usually take a few weeks before you notice a difference, and counseling takes several sessions so you can apply what you learn and change any unhealthy paradigms that you've been stuck with for awhile.
4) IT'S WORTH IT. IT IS WORTH THE EFFORT TO BE HAPPY
5) Oh, and keep praying to God for help and reading your scriptures during all of this. He will help guide you, provide comfort, and the scriptures provide a solid source of truth for you to lean on, especially when it comes to the Atonement and our Savior's love for YOU.

Hang in there. You are doing better than you think.

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

I read this article from here and thought it was totally applicable for this blog. There are so many truths here. Love it!

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.

Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.

Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.

Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.

Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.

Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.

Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Coming soon.... :)

So, I wanted to just announce a project I'll be starting. In my figure painting class, we need to create a body of work that is tied together and work on that for the rest of the semester. I decided to focus on psychological disorders. I announced my project via facebook asking for participants and was surprised that six people messaged me! I will be focusing on the themes of depression, eating disorders, dysthymia (a form of depression), OCD, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The final results of this project may appear disturbing or uncomfortable to look at...but that's kind of the point. Mental disorders are NOT comfortable. But they are a big issue that need to be talked about, especially in the church where they are often shoved under the rug or totally misunderstood. I'll post the results of the project at the end of the semester...about mid-December or so.

Hugs!

You are not a terrible person for having depression

I'm sorry I haven't really updated this in awhile. I haven't really had any spurts of inspiration. But I'd like to address a little thought: I've noticed that we people with depression, or even those that are just going through a hard time, tend to give ourselves guilt trips about the bad feelings we already have. Isn't that funny--we already feel bad, so we make ourselves feel worse by thinking we shouldn't feel that way.

Guess what--it's okay to feel crappy. It's okay to have bad days. Yes, they suck, but giving yourself a guilt trip about it certainly won't make you feel any better.

"Why do I feel this way??" "I should be able to deal with this!!" "Other people go through worse things and handle it so much better!!" "What's wrong with me?" Do these sound familiar? Probably.

Well, let's answer these really honestly--you feel "that way" because you have depression. Not because you did something awful. Your dopamine or serotonin levels in your brain are not balancing out right. That's not your fault. It's nobody's fault.

As far as "dealing" with it--you are dealing with it. You have to give yourself credit for all the effort you go through. You are still pushing forward despite feeling terribly crummy. That is dealing with it really awesomely in actuality. Just because the bad feelings don't go away doesn't mean you're not dealing with it.

And the "other people" reasoning--- in actuality, you do not see all of the pain behind the closed doors of peoples' hearts. You only see them from your perspective, not theirs. So it's pretty unreasonable to compare how you deal with things to how you think other people deal with things.

And there is nothing wrong with you. I think with depression people often go through the stages of grief.  Unless you have some serious sins to repent of, in which case, repentance really does work!, it is not your fault for feeling the way you do.

Update of the Update

Ok, this is just a mini update.

So, my calling is going well, even though I'm not really sure what I'm doing.

And I have figured out why I am so stinkin' tired. I do not have mono, nor sleep apnea. It is simply a side effect of my anti-depressants. Boooo. Oh well. I'd much much much rather be tired than depressed, although it is really annoying to be this tired even when I get a solid 8 hours of sleep. A perk of this, is that it is making me be on the ball about getting sufficient sleep--I am trying to look at this as another opportunity to master myself. I can't do much about the side effect of my meds, but I do have the agency to decide my attitude about it. So, I'm making the goal now to not complain about it.

Hugs.

Some Lies we tell ourselves

1: "I am worthless/I am a failure."

2: "God could never love me."

3: "There's just no point anymore. Why am I even trying?"


Let's tackle these. And I'd love to hear your insights as well.

1) I am worthless/ I am a failure: Holy smokes I felt this one all the time on my mission. Every time I didn't make my numbers, I felt like I had failed. If only I had enough faith, or better time-management, or had the Spirit more...  It took me a long time to really believe that I had actually been of some use. A letter from a convert...a comment from a member we worked with about her feeling the Spirit with us... just little things.

Lesson learned--look for the little things that prove this idea wrong. A small accomplishment here...service rendered by your own hand... look back on all you have done and accomplished. Goodness gracious, you are worth so much, and have accomplished so much, and will yet accomplish many things. There was some quote I read from pinterest.com that says something like, "No matter how slow you're going, you're still lapping everyone on the couch." So true!

"For who can find a virtuous woman (or man)? For her (or his) price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10

And for those who feel like they have no virtue due to mistakes, or whatever the reason, you are still doing so much good. If you have ever been a friend to anyone, said a kind word to someone, tried to help someone out--you are contributing in building the Lord's kingdom.


2) God could never love me: I cringe when I recall that by a year into my mission, I truly believed this. I thought I was such a failure as a missionary, that there was just know way that God could love me. Fortunately I now recognize that that was a dirty, terrible lie from the adversary. It doesn't matter how much we mess up, "His hand is stretched out still." Just read a couple chapters from the Book of Mormon, and you will see verse after verse reflecting God and Christs' infinite and unbiased love for each one us. Even you! In the book of Moses, Moses is with God and He is looking over the earth, and you know what God did? He wept. Moses was shocked--this, the Great God and Ruler of the universe, was crying??? Over what?? Our Heavenly Father was weeping for us. His children. Because He was so heartbroken that we would sin--we, who He loves so much.

We don't have to be perfect to deserve God's love. His love is not something that we have to earn. We can count on His love as being constant--no matter how shaky and crazy your life is, His love for His children will not and cannot change. Do we deserve it? ...mmmm questionable.... but that doesn't matter! He loves us anyway.

3) There's no point anymore:

Many of us have thought this as the alarm clock has gone off and we have to face another day. Or maybe the thought comes in the darkness after secretly sobbing our heart and soul out.

But this is what Satan wants you to believe. That there is no point. He wants to make us "miserable like unto himself." If he can get us to lose our very will, he wins. It is here that we lose the eternal perspective.

So what is that eternal perspective? It is that if we truly give up, we give away the chance for eternal happiness, glory, and exaltation. Eternal families and Godhood. To live with our Heavenly Father and Christ again. I mean we give all this up if we REALLY give up not just for a moment, but forever. Whether that be by taking your own life when you know you shouldn't, or living as if nothing mattered for the remainder of your life. I sure hope it never gets that bad. But for some it does.

You are so loved. Not only by God, but by the people in your life as well. People are counting on you--future or current children, a future or current spouse. Future posterity. The work of God depends on your however seemingly small actions.

Remember: Good thoughts that draw you to God come from God. Bad thoughts that turn you away from Him are from Satan. It's that simple.

I'd love to know what helps you battle these thoughts, or what other "lies" we tell ourselves that we could discuss.

Hugs!

Update!

Okay, so I feel it appropriate to just update a little on my own life. I only share this to show how far I've come, and how much it's even surprised me.

I have been called to be the Relief Society President of my ward.

Crazy.

If someone had told me that I'd be an RS president at the age of 23 (and less than a year after my mission), I would have been really surprised. And yet, as soon as I found out that the last RS president was moving, the thought/impression immediately came: "It could be me..."  And then last Sunday the secretary called me to say the Bishop wanted to see me. At that,  I was about 90% sure I was about to get this calling, since the Bishop NEVER has asked to see me--all my other callings were extended by his 1st Counselor. So, once the call came, I actually wasn't too surprised.

But I have NEVER had any kind of Relief Society calling before. Ever. Not visiting teaching supervisor, enrichment or ANYTHING. So, this is going to be quite the adventure! And I couldn't be more excited. :) I kept the 1st Counselor the same, and the secretary automatically stays the same, and after meeting with them, I just felt like this is going to be awesome. Like really really stretching for me, but really incredible.

I just need to be aware of not guilting myself out when things don't go perfectly. I feel like I've learned from the mission and with depression to not do that. It's not healthy. Constructive criticism is always fine, but overly beating oneself up about anything is not okay, and does not come from God.

Also, I've been unnaturally tired lately...like I have to sleep through my lunch breaks just to make it through the rest of the day, even after getting 7-8 hours of sleep. I'm getting tested for sleep apnea, but it looks like mono could be a culprit...booooo.  So, the health issues haven't been fun, but whatevs.

Anyway, I know this isn't a typical post for this blog, but I thought I'd just update everyone.

I find it amazing that I have been able to progress from depression so fast. It gives me a lot of hope for other people, and I completely know that my experiences with depression have helped prepare me to receive this calling...which my Bishop said as well.

Anyway, it's going to be an adventure!!

~hugs!~

self-image

I think this sums it up pretty well. :)

When sin is involved

I've been thinking a bit about sin, and how that affects depression. Most of my posts are catered to those who deal with depression even though they haven't committed any big transgressions or anything. However, I want to talk just a tad about how repentance is a HUGE key in overcoming depression when sin is in the picture.

I'm reading a book called Hard Questions, Prophetic Answers by Daniel Judd, a former member of the General Sunday School presidency, and who also taught one of my Book of Mormon classes at BYU. Among topics such as divorce, homosexuality, and abuse, there is a section on depression. I 100% believe this book to be inspired. He discusses how there are some plagued by depression because they have committed some serious sins, and although they try therapy and medication, their depression doesn't go away until they have repented.

Now, repentance doesn't just mean feeling bad for a little and apologizing. What it really means is to change. It's a change of heart. It's matching our will with God's. Repentance isn't some uncomfortable word that should be painful to hear. It simply means to change, by accessing the Atonement. Ofttimes change requires swallowing our stubborn pride and admitting that we're wrong. Sometimes it means a terrifying but needed trip to the Bishop, who is called by God to help you. It always means getting on our knees and pleading for God's help to change our imperfect selves. And it also requires patience.

I love the story in the Book of Helaman when the Lamanites and the "inactive member" Nephite are in the prison where Lehi and Nephi are kept, and this huge shadow overcomes them. The quiet yet penetrating voice of the Lord commands them to them to repent. The Lamanites panic and ask what they should do to remove the darkness, and the Nephite, in an inspired recollection of his former testimony cries, "Ye must repent, and cry unto the voice, even until ye shall have faith in Christ, who was taught unto you...and when ye shall do this, the cloud of darkness shall be removed from overshadowing you."

And then something incredible happens. They all began to plead to the voice that they had heard until, and the cloud dissipated, and they looked around and "they saw that they were encircled about, yea, every soul, by a pillar of fire...yet it did harm them not, neither did it take hold upon the walls of the prison; and they were filled with that joy which is unspeakable and full of glory....and it came to pass that there came a voice unto them, yea, a pleasant voice, as if it were a whisper, saying: Peace, peace be until you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world." (Helaman 5, The Book of Mormon).

Holy smokes. I remember reading that and thinking--wow, that can TOTALLY be applied to depression! This dark, terrible cloud that is is replaced with glorious joy when we repent and have faith on the Savior. And I'm NOT talking about the times that we unnecessarily guilt ourselves out over miniscule things (see my earlier post "sins vs. mistakes"). I mean the times when we know we have sinned against God and we need to repent.

I promise that it works! We don't need to suffer, because Christ already did that for us. He suffered out of complete, pure love for each of us, so that we don't have to suffer the consequences of sin if we repent. His plan, God's plan, is so beautiful.

If we don't repent, it's like staying trapped in a deep, dark hole, and refusing to grab the rope that the Savior has let down for us to take hold of...It's the only way out.

God Bless America

Okay, this weekend was a little intense for me.

FIRST off, I got to meet the incredible BECKY!!! I met her via e-mail--she served in my same mission awhile back while also battling depression, and she has been the hugest blessing in my life in overcoming this obstacle. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her. She is amazing. AMAZING. It was awesome to finally meet her in person after being pen pals since November.

We went to Idaho Falls to spend time with my brother-in-law's family. Two missionaries in their family came home and so they had a special fireside at which they both spoke. I guess that, although I've come a long way from before, I still have a lot of healing to do, because I couldn't even make it through the first half of the fireside without having mission depression feelings rise up. I guess it's still just hard to hear of peoples "wonderful" missions and the blessings from working hard/being obedient/being worthy etc....blessings that I had worked so hard for and almost never saw, despite working just as hard, being obedient, and being worthy myself. Those that don't understand where I come from would probably say something like, "Just get over it! Missions are hard!" And to those people I'd like to say, "Okay, you go on a mission with depression and come back and tell me again to just get over it. Then we can talk." But,  for most of the rest of the fireside, I kept myself distracted with the little kids. I guess one of the hardest parts about that is that missionary firesides used to be so powerful and inspiring to me growing up. I looked forward to the RM firesides and the strong spirit that they invoked. But now for me they only dig up memories that are hard to bear. But that's okay. It's just how it is right now, and I hold on to the hope that one day I will overcome things like missionary firesides.

Moving on. 

Last night we got to watch the amazing firework display put on by Idaho Falls. Holy smokes. It was honestly the BEST firework display I've seen...and I've seen a lot of them. The Fourth of July has probably become my 2nd favorite holiday next to Christmas. It totally brings me back to Paraguay...because in Paraguay I became so much more patriotic. A year ago, to celebrate the 4th, my comp and I made red jell-o and sang the national anthem for our companion study, and for church we sang "Battle Hymn of the Republic," since I picked the hymns and that's the only patriotic song in the Spanish hymn book. It was in Paraguay that I really became so grateful for my home country. And so, I thought last night as I watched the fireworks, of the little things about America that I am grateful for. I thought I'd put a list here:

• being able to flush the toilet paper
• not worrying about where my next meal will come from
• having more than 10 options to choose from at meal time
• carpet. Blessed carpet.
• constant hot water
• non-electric showers.
• not having spiders bigger than a quarter in my pension
• not needing to deal with vermin
• not having chivivi (diarrhea) on a weekly basis
• not sweating my guts out 9 months of the year straight
• fast food
• home cooked food
• not seeing dogs in the hallways of hospitals
• soldiers that fight for my country
• technology at my fingertips
• not worrying if my creaking bed will break while I sleep
• not needing to worry 24/7 about getting mugged or having my house broken into
• cars that function
• cheese that doesn't taste like it's been rotting for a week
• milk that isn't stored on the shelf and that tastes really good
• food safety laws
• clean water. all the time.
• never seeing a house made out of trash
• Things that smell good. Like lotion. 
• Being able to dress cute. (Yes, I know that this one is more shallow, but I was tired of dressing like a hobo for a year and a half)
• Cereal! Lots of it!!!
• A full pantry and fridge
• strong wards almost everywhere 
• going to church and not worrying if the whole bishopric and relief society presidency will remain active
• not needing to shower in flip flops
• being able to walk around the house barefoot without fear of obtaining skin-burrowing parasites
• not watching my house fall apart before my eyes
• police that do their job
• access to good meds

Okay I'll stop there, even though I know I could keep going. Actually, I'll be surprised if you even read the whole list. Anyway, basically, what I really want to say, is GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

Why do you love America? I'd love to hear your comments. :)