How to help (and not help) someone coping with depression

Disclaimer: This post, nor this blog, has all the answers. I am only speaking from my own experience. I am also not perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes and I ask for forgiveness where I have made mistakes in attempting to help others. I would love to hear what has worked for you in the comments section. Also, this post is going to be less eloquent and a little more candid than my other ones.


If you don't have depression, it is almost certain that you know someone who does, whether they have made it known or not. If it is a family member or friend, you may be unsure of how to help. So here is a list of do's and don'ts when it comes to this subject.

Do:
1. Let them know you care. Your loved one will immensely appreciate it if they feel like you care about them, even if you don't totally understand what they are going through. Asking something like, "What can I do for you?" is very kind and shows you care, even if the offer is declined.

2. Let them talk about it if they want to. This means listening. They might not necessarily want you to fix their issue (and they probably don't), so just listen. Phrases like, "I'm so sorry" are welcome here. Sometimes people just need to vent and feel validated.

3. Let them have a bad day. Contrary to what we tell ourselves, it's okay to have an imperfect day. It's okay to have an occasional breakdown. It's okay to cry sometimes, even if it seems like there isn't a good reason behind it.

4. Invite them to do things with you. On one rough day, my sister called me and asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her. She didn't know I was having a rough day and that I wanted nothing more than to lay in bed all day. But I felt like I couldn't say no, and so I went. And you know what--I felt a lot better than if I had just stayed in bed. And it was sure nice to know that there was someone that wanted to spend time with me.

If a person declines, maybe offer again or give a reason why you'd like them to go with you. But don't push it if they seem like they really don't want to go. You can't control their agency, and that's okay.

5. Please accept that what they are going though is a very real and miserable experience. Just because you don't know what it is like or have never experienced it, does not make it any less real to them. A bad day for you may end when the sun goes down. Sadly, a bad day for them often lasts for weeks, months, or years.

6. Take care of yourself. You know those cheesy safety videos before you takeoff on a flight? Of course you do. ("Smoking is NOT ALLOWED on any Delta flight!") In these videos you are told that if those air masks fall in front of you, that you need to put on yours before you help someone else that needs assistance. Same thing--you can't take care of someone if you aren't taking care of yourself first.

Don't:

1. Don't tell them all the things they should have done differently to prevent them from feeling the way they do now. It's condescending. And you can't change the past anyway, so why are you bothering to tell them? Right after my mission, I opened up to a friend about struggling with depression while on my mission. Instead of saying something like, "Wow, that sounds so hard," he instead told me in so many words that if I had just stopped focusing on myself then I would have had more baptisms. Think I felt like he cared? Guess again.

2. Don't blame yourself. Unless you were abusive. Then blame yourself, because you are a scumbag. Otherwise, it isn't your fault. Don't guilt yourself out for not having seen the signs, or for not "being a better parent/sibling/friend" thinking it would have prevented their having depression. No one is perfect. And sometimes depression just happens. We can't always prevent bad things from happening. It's just how life is.

3. Don't make them feel like something is wrong with them. Sounds kind of obvious, but I'm speaking from experience. They already feel like something is wrong with them, and they certainly don't need your judging comments to confirm it. When I wrote home telling my family I was coming home a transfer earlier than expected, one relative wrote me and told me how disappointed they were in me. They told me that I was just giving up when it got hard. Let me tell you, that person didn't know a dang thing what I had been going through, how many prayers I'd said, how many tears I'd cried, how many buses I was tempted to jump in front of each time they passed. What I needed was support, not daggers. I had already received several answers to prayer that going home was the best thing for me, and I had 100% support from my mission president. But they thought they knew better, so that made them right, right? Wrong. It just made me feel even more hurt, and like I couldn't trust them. In case you didn't know, giving a guilt trip to get people to do what you think is best only makes you look like a jerk.

4. In relation to the last one, don't tell them all the things they should be doing different. Suggestions are great. "Have you tried...", "This worked for me, maybe it could work for you..." "What if..." Those are okay. But dictating their life (constantly saying "You SHOULD do...." and then making them feel bad every time they don't do what you tell them) will only make it look like you want to be in charge of their life, which if you do, it's time to back off a little. They have their agency, and you have yours. If they do things different, that is their choice. Now, if they are harming themselves or threatening to harm themselves or others, it is probably time for an intervention, and I do suggest calling 911 or taking them to a hospital. If they are mad at you for preventing them from hurting themselves or others, so be it. If the threats turned out to be false or a cry for attention, well, you didn't know any better and that's okay. Because if it was a real threat, then I think you can live knowing you saved a life.

5. Don't stop taking care of yourself. Do I sound like a skipping record? I have made this mistake. You are your first priority. It doesn't make you selfish by taking care of your own needs first. Don't try to carry a person if you yourself feel like you are sinking. Helping others can be empowering and strengthening sometimes, but if helping another is making you sink into depression, then you might want to consider drawing some boundaries, and/or getting some help for yourself. You are not the Savior. The Savior is the Savior. Let Him do His job. Yes, we can help be His hands, but not to the point that it destroys you too.


I hope this post was helpful and that it made sense. I will again apologize for the mistakes I have made in helping others. I'm not perfect, but I am trying the best I can. Thanks for stopping by.

You are beautiful

I love this quote! Don't forget that you are beautiful, even if you don't feel so. :)

Gratitude: A Thanksgiving Post

Gratitude has been on my mind a lot lately. Part of this is because Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and part of it stems from experiences I've had recently. I believe gratitude to be one of the most uplifting virtues man can possess. Sadly, it seems to be one of the most lacking in today's world of consumerism, where we need to buy what we really don't need, and this year you can buy it all on the holiday during which we used to express thankfulness for the things we already had.

I love this quote:

If I were to pick a quote to hang up in my apartment, this would be it. I truly believe that gratitude turns us into happier people. If we want to look for things to complain about, it's not too hard. But if in a moment of negativity, we stop for a second to just count even a few of our blessings, I believe we will be happier.

I am not claiming that gratitude will cure clinical depression. But I would like to issue a challenge to you: go get a piece of paper, or pull up Microsoft Word on your computer, and write out just a few things that you are grateful for.

Here are some things I'm grateful for:

1. The Atonement, through which we can find strength, healing and forgiveness

2. Family, especially my husband and soon-to-arrive baby (as well as my parents, siblings, and in-laws)

3. An apartment that has carpet, storage, a dishwasher, and a blessed laundry room

4. The scriptures. I have found so much knowledge, strength, revelation, and expression of God's love for me through them.

5. Having our very own furniture, even if it is an eclectic mix of DI, IKEA, new, hand-me-down, and yard-sale finds. It is OURS. 

If you're tired of that activity, then try this one: write down 2 things that you are grateful for that happened TODAY.

Here are mine:

1. I ate some oreos. They were delicious. 

2. I got to talk on the phone with my half-brother who is on the other side of the country.

 I am willing to bet that if you repeated either of these activities every day, or even every other day, life will seem a lot less gloomy. I asked a group of people for some ways that helped them get through depression, and one person said that really taking the time to look for the good in life, people, and everything was something simple that helped her. I love that. Some days it seems we have very little to be grateful for. The world may seem dark or lonely. But if we step back and take some time to see those good things, I think we will find a lot more things to be grateful for that we may have missed. Here is an old post of mine if you would like to see another one of my gratitude lists, written in a moment of patriotism. 

As we express gratitude, I do believe that we are happier. Remember to take the time to thank Heavenly Father for the blessings you have. He loves it when we do that. :) If someone did something we appreciate, tell them so. It will make both of you happier. Don't believe me? Just try it and see what happens.

What are you grateful for?

Agency

The role of agency can seem a little distorted when it comes to depression. One often hears the phrase, "Happiness is a choice!" and yet, that choice isn't really available for one dealing with mental illnesses like depression.

Despite this, there is still much within your power! You still have your agency. God has not taken away your ability to choose. You still have the choice of how to approach this trial—to let it harden you, or humble you. You also have the choice in deciding whether or not you will do anything about your depression. The decision to make a phone call and schedule an appointment with a doctor or to sit and do nothing is entirely up to you. You have the choice in how to use your time, how you will treat those around you, and whether or not you will keep the commandments. While making those choices might be more difficult, remember that you are not helpless, nor hopeless, and that there still lies within you the power to choose and act for yourself.

         Because you still have the precious gift of agency, you are accountable for how you handle your depression. It is not the responsibility of those around you to “fix” you, and to wait and rely on other people to do so will only lead to disappointment, blame, and rocky or terminated relationships. Please don’t misunderstand—I am not telling you here to deny the help and counsel of loving and willing hands around you. Nor am I telling parents that they are not responsible for their children that struggle with depression. What I am saying is that it is an unrealistic expectation to give your burden to another person, and then expect them to be responsible for the outcome. Ask for help, but be accountable. It is unreasonable to expect anyone other than Christ to be your Savior. Not that people cannot act as His hands, which we are asked to be. People can help, but only Christ can redeem—do not ask others to take that responsibility that is unique to Him only.

         The hard but honest truth about depression is that if you decide to do nothing about it, then it probably won’t get better. Remember that you are doing yourself no favors by sitting and wallowing in self-misery and telling yourself you deserve to feel that way. No, you do not deserve to feel that way. Show yourself some self-respect, and act. Taking the first step in doing something about your depression can seem scary or intimidating, because it can mean making a phone call, stepping into a doctor’s office, and opening up to someone. Just remind yourself that you deserve to be happy, and that it is worth the effort. It is worth the effort to be happy.

As you take charge of your life, putting your hand in God’s, I believe that you will find in yourself more power than you realized you had. You will find the strength to overcome, little by little, what before seemed impossible. Don't give up. You have more strength than you realize. And you know what? YOU are wonderful.

Elder Holland is the man!

Wasn't Elder Holland's talk on depression this weekend amazing??? I love General Conference. I have been looking for a talk like Elder Holland's for a long time. And he just nailed everything on the head. His talk was much needed for a lot of people. If you didn't get a chance to watch it, here is the link to it (I had trouble trying to download it, so this is plan B).

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2013/10?lang=eng&vid=2722351290001&cid=10

Medication and Therapy

Recently I've had a couple of people ask me about my thoughts on using medication and therapy/counseling as a way to treat depression. There was a similar vein of concern in the people I talked with--the stigma associated with these methods is not often a good one. Many people know of instances where an individual reacted negatively to the medication in some way, such as making their depression feel worse (even to the point of acting suicidal), or they had to deal with frustrating side effects, such as feeling extra tired, or they may feel that they shouldn't need to rely on medication to cope.

Many are also hesitant to see a counselor. Some of these reasons may include bad experiences with a past counselor, feeling like your issues aren't big enough to warrant seeing a counselor (after all--"There are so many people with worse problems!"), or they are simply embarrassed to go, etc.

My opinion on these issues in a nutshell is that I am a total believer in utilizing antidepressant medication as well as seeing a counselor. But let me expound a little and share my experiences with these two subjects.

On medication:

My experience: It is true that sometimes, but certainly not every time, nor in most cases (that I know of), a medication will initially lead to a person feeling worse than before they even took it. This actually happened to me on my mission. The medication I was prescribed immediately made me feel like my depression took a nosedive. I completely lost my appetite, I couldn't sleep, and suicide honestly felt tempting--not because I wanted to die, but because I was so desperate to do anything to stop feeling the way I did. We called up the mission psychiatrist and he told me to stop taking my medication. When I came home from my mission, my family doctor put me on a different medication that was a lot gentler. I was told that I would start to feel a difference in about 2-3 weeks. So about a month later, I did a self-inventory and realized that, yes, I felt a LOT better. The change had been so gradual that I hadn't really noticed it until I did my self-evaluation. It felt wonderful. A couple of months later I went back to BYU to continue my college education and after a couple months I felt like I needed a change of medication again. What I was on had helped tremendously, but I still felt like there was room for improvement. I talked to a doctor at the Student Health Center and I was put on a new medication. This last antidepressant helped even more than the previous one had. It felt incredible. However, this medication gave me the unlucky side effect of feeling exhausted all the time. I was so tired that I thought there must be something else physically wrong with me, so I went and got tested for sleep apnea (that was interesting, let me tell you) as well as mono. I had neither, and concluded that it must have been from my medication. But I felt, and still feel, that I would MUCH rather be tired than depressed, and so I stayed on that medication until I finally felt like I didn't need it anymore and quit using meds entirely.

My advice: So my advice on this matter is that it is worth trying. If it makes you feel worse, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR immediately and get off of it and ask for something different. Not everyone reacts the same to a medication. The antidepressant that made me feel worse has worked for a lot of other people, and a friend told me that the one that I felt worked the best for me made her feel worse and she needed something different. Also, don't be discouraged if you don't notice a difference right away. 2-3 weeks can feel like forever, but it is worth the wait. If after a month and a half or so you still feel exactly the same, I would talk to your doctor and see if you can try something else. Some people don't get their "match" right away. That's okay. It's frustrating, but it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. Just ask for something different if you feel like you need to. It is totally worth it when you find one that works. There are TONS of different antidepressants out there. Some are more catered to those with anxiety, some more for depression. Talk to your doctor and he/she can give you advice on what may be a good match for you. Also, if you have been on a medication for awhile, don't EVER quit it cold turkey. If you are going to quit taking it, do it gradually, otherwise you could have some bad physical side effects (shaking, feeling faint, that kind of thing.) Talk to your doctor about it, as each medication could be different.

On therapy/counselors/shrinks/whatever you want to call it:

My experience: I have seen counselors in two different periods of my life--the first was during my Sophomore year of college when I had dysthymia (the less intense form of depression), and the second was after my mission when I came back to school. I saw each of them for about six months. I started seeing a counselor at the recommendation of the doctor that diagnosed me with dysthymia. My initial feelings were of embarrassment and apprehension. I had grown up believing that only people with major problems (that I would never have, right??) went to counseling. When I started my sessions, I was embarrassed and felt like the other people in the waiting room were judging me and I was always grateful that I never ran into anyone I knew. I was also terrified to tell my parents, because I had no idea how they would react. I learned the following really quickly: counselors are there to help, whether your problems be big or small. They provide insights that you don't have and they are trained to help people. All kinds of people. Including you. I also realized that the other people in the waiting room were probably feeling just as painfully self-aware as I was, and that they were probably worrying too much about their own issues to wonder what mine were. I also found that my parents were very supportive. My mom told me that she was glad I was going because our emotional health is just as important as our physical health. I took a lot of comfort in that and never forgot it.

My first visits with each counselor was more of an initial "get-to-know-you" session rather than me venting about all my problems. I was not on any medication while I saw my first counselor, nor did I really need any at that time. Having the counselor was enough at that point in my life. During my second "episode," we'll call it, I was also on medication, because my depression was a lot stronger then. I felt like having both resources was extremely helpful for me then. Both of my counselors were male, and my second counselor had served a mission in Bolivia (I had served in Paraguay, located just below Bolivia). Since a lot of what I needed to talk about and resolve centered on my mission, I felt like he could relate to my concerns. I quit seeing each of them when they and I both felt like I was at a good place in my life and no longer needed therapy. I continued with my medication for some time after I had quit seeing the second counselor, but when I felt like there was nothing chaotic going on in my life and that I was in a good place emotionally, I stopped the medication as well.  I have not had a need for it since. That could always change, but my goal was never to be on medication for forever, but just long enough to get back "on track."

My advice: Counselors rock. But not everyone is going to have the same experience with the same psychologist. If you don't feel like you click with your counselor after some sessions, then there is no reason to not switch. When I started seeing a counselor, he told me right off the bat that if I wanted to switch to see someone else (like a woman counselor, or just someone new) then that was totally fine. This is your money and your life, so there is absolutely nothing wrong with switching to someone that you like better. But remember that the first session is usually an in-take kind of session and not a typical one. So don't quit after the first one--give it a chance. Also remember that going to therapy will not immediately fix things. It takes time. They often are trying to help you make some paradigm shifts in your life and that takes time. But it is worth it. It is so nice to see someone that is professionally trained to help you deal with life, who won't judge you, and who isn't going to call your mutual friend to blab about things you want to keep personal. Also, your counselor can only help you as much as you are willing to open up to them. They are not mind-readers, so don't expect them to be. The more you open up to them, the more information you are giving them, and thus more tools for them to help you.

Also, don't confuse counselors and friends. Friends are not equipped in the same way counselors are. And counselors are not your best bud that you call all the time. Counselors are usually temporary relationships. And don't treat a friend like you would a certified therapist. It is wonderful to have friends to talk to. But if you are consistently telling a lot more to your friend(s) than your counselors about serious issues, then I think that's a little backwards. Venting is one thing. We all need friends to vent to, talk to, and relate to, especially when we find someone that has had similar experiences. Having a friend to talk to who also had dealt with depression was one of the biggest blessings of my life. We got to share experiences and help each other and it was something that really helped me. But she was not my counselor. There was a difference. Be wise. That's all I will say about that, because I'm not exactly sure how else to phrase what I mean.



In conclusion, using medication or therapy does not make you a bad person. It doesn't categorize you into some terrible group of people, and it doesn't mean you are being overly dramatic. These are tools that I honestly believe come from our Heavenly Father, and I believe He is proud of us when we take steps that will help us move forward. Best of luck on your journey.

~hugs~

Long overdue update

Well folks, it has been almost a year since I've touched this blog. I didn't forget about it. I just stopped getting inspiration for it. But for me, that is a good thing, because most of my inspirations came from bouts of depression.

So I thought I would give an update.

In March of last year, I weaned off of my antidepressants. I haven't touched any since. It felt like a huge victory. I haven't been without an occasional bout, but I haven't needed to rely on medication any more. And it feels wonderful.

In April, I met my half brother for the first time in person. It was amazing.

In June I started dating this really awesome guy.

In August I got released from being the RS President and was called to be the Sacrament Meeting pianist. My dream calling!

Yesterday, that really awesome guy and I celebrated one month of being married.

Life has been incredible. Now, I feel like I should mention, last year I went through some really ugly experiences. But I don't want to mention them here. I am trying my best to move past them. Because my life is awesome right now. And I don't want to taint my "now" with the past.

But my thoughts keep reverting to this blog, especially as I continue to meet these wonderful people I know that are going through depression, anxiety, and other painful things they would rather not have to deal with. And so I made a New Year's Resolution.

I want to make this blog into a book.

I have thought about this for awhile. I even have an outline. I am not always good at reaching really big goals like this. But I am feeling really determined to make this one happen. I am not giving myself a deadline. I'd like to be pretty much done with it by the time the year ends, but knowing me, something big and unexpected could happen and make this go on pause for a bit. But this is the goal.

That said, I want to know if there is anything you would like me to talk about in my book that I may or may not have mentioned in this blog. Like any questions you have that you want answered. Or any personal experiences of yours or mine that you'd like me to share.

Anyway... I hope that all of you are doing really well. Like REALLY well. Because amidst heartache, pain, trials, mental anguish, feelings of loneliness and sadness...life is beautiful.

HUGS