Closing Up Shop

After some thought, I have decided that it is time to wrap up this blog.

This is my final post, and I will try to keep it simple, but I can't promise it will be short, because I want to tie up any loose ends. I'm not sure anyone reads this blog anymore, except for the times I have shared posts on Facebook. If you have kept following this blog, thank you. My goal in creating this blog was to help others, and so I sincerely hope you found words that you needed in your times of trial.

It is time for me to close this chapter of my life and move on. I had started a book based on this blog. I wrote a lot, but I feel like it is time to focus on other things right now. Maybe I will finish it one day. But now is not the time.

I made this blog to help others, but ironically, I found that this blog really helped myself. I found myself writing words that I would look back on later on a hard day and find I had written the very counsel I needed. Funny how life is like that.

Serving a mission with depression was by far the hardest trial I have gone through up to this point in my young life. But I have learned so much from it, so I am not bitter or resentful. It wasn't the mission I was expecting to serve. And that's okay. When I initially came home, I couldn't look at missionaries or drive by the MTC without feeling sick to my stomach. I couldn't listen to missionary homecoming firesides, because all the guilty and ugly feelings I felt as a struggling missionary would return. But now when someone tells me that they have received their mission call, I am truly happy for them. Because missions are wonderful experiences. They are hard. So very, very hard. I literally gave my blood, sweat, and tears. But I can look back and say that it was absolutely worth it. It refined me, and continues to refine me. I was far from a perfect missionary, but I can honestly proclaim that I gave it my best shot.

The time after my mission spent healing continued to be so difficult. But I wasn't going to let depression win. And I fought. Every day, I fought. I lost a lot of weight from having no appetite. School was much more difficult than my pre-mission days. I remember one time taking four hours to write a simple one-page paper because I simply couldn't concentrate. The frustration of feeling I had lost my identity as the once "good student" was overwhelming. I felt like I had very few people to talk to that would understand. Some friendships were even lost because of that misunderstanding.

But I was also infinitely blessed.

The biggest blessing of fighting my depression was that I had to start my testimony over from scratch. I learned for myself what was true doctrine, and what was simple church "culture." I learned firsthand that the Atonement is quite real, and that our Heavenly Father and Savior are ever mindful of us, even if we feel alone. Their love for us is so real, and without caveats.

I also learned how strong I was. I learned that one bad day didn't determine my destiny, and that bad days are okay to have every once in awhile. I learned that when I took responsibility and didn't blame others for my trial, and really turned to the Lord, I really did get better. It was slow-going. But now I feel healed.

I became more polished. More understanding of others. I still have a long way to go, but I think I am that much closer. There are still wounds I feel. The fear of going back. The sickening reminder of all the mistakes I made, but hoping that it will be okay because I did the best I could with what I had. The fear of reading through my mission journals. One day I will read them again, but not yet.

I made many new friends, some of which I wouldn't have made had I not gone through this trial. I became more empathetic to others who were different from me. I became unashamed of the fact that I had depression, because there was nothing to be ashamed about.

To anyone else that struggled with depression on their mission, I just want to wrap you in a good, long hug and say, "Everything is still okay. The Lord loves you. You didn't fail."

To anyone that suffers from depression, mission or not, I want to wrap you in a hug too and say, "You are so loved. The Lord loves you. Keep trying. It's all going to be okay. Don't let go."

I want to echo Elder Holland's words and say that I know for myself that "broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed." It takes time. The road isn't easy. But it is possible.

My heart is very full right now. I have conquered my biggest demons. I know I will have more trials in the future, but that is just how life is. Right now I am truly happy, and so full of gratitude.

Thank you to my husband and baby, who give my life a fulness of joy.

To Becky, who was a much needed friend during a rocky time of my life.

To my mission companions and mission friends--I have learned so much from each of you.

To my mission presidents, who emulated Christ-like love when I needed it most.

Thanks to everyone who joined me for this journey. May you continue to hold onto the hope that is in Christ, which truly leads to an eternal happiness.


    Love,
        Angela

How to help (and not help) someone coping with depression

Disclaimer: This post, nor this blog, has all the answers. I am only speaking from my own experience. I am also not perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes and I ask for forgiveness where I have made mistakes in attempting to help others. I would love to hear what has worked for you in the comments section. Also, this post is going to be less eloquent and a little more candid than my other ones.


If you don't have depression, it is almost certain that you know someone who does, whether they have made it known or not. If it is a family member or friend, you may be unsure of how to help. So here is a list of do's and don'ts when it comes to this subject.

Do:
1. Let them know you care. Your loved one will immensely appreciate it if they feel like you care about them, even if you don't totally understand what they are going through. Asking something like, "What can I do for you?" is very kind and shows you care, even if the offer is declined.

2. Let them talk about it if they want to. This means listening. They might not necessarily want you to fix their issue (and they probably don't), so just listen. Phrases like, "I'm so sorry" are welcome here. Sometimes people just need to vent and feel validated.

3. Let them have a bad day. Contrary to what we tell ourselves, it's okay to have an imperfect day. It's okay to have an occasional breakdown. It's okay to cry sometimes, even if it seems like there isn't a good reason behind it.

4. Invite them to do things with you. On one rough day, my sister called me and asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her. She didn't know I was having a rough day and that I wanted nothing more than to lay in bed all day. But I felt like I couldn't say no, and so I went. And you know what--I felt a lot better than if I had just stayed in bed. And it was sure nice to know that there was someone that wanted to spend time with me.

If a person declines, maybe offer again or give a reason why you'd like them to go with you. But don't push it if they seem like they really don't want to go. You can't control their agency, and that's okay.

5. Please accept that what they are going though is a very real and miserable experience. Just because you don't know what it is like or have never experienced it, does not make it any less real to them. A bad day for you may end when the sun goes down. Sadly, a bad day for them often lasts for weeks, months, or years.

6. Take care of yourself. You know those cheesy safety videos before you takeoff on a flight? Of course you do. ("Smoking is NOT ALLOWED on any Delta flight!") In these videos you are told that if those air masks fall in front of you, that you need to put on yours before you help someone else that needs assistance. Same thing--you can't take care of someone if you aren't taking care of yourself first.

Don't:

1. Don't tell them all the things they should have done differently to prevent them from feeling the way they do now. It's condescending. And you can't change the past anyway, so why are you bothering to tell them? Right after my mission, I opened up to a friend about struggling with depression while on my mission. Instead of saying something like, "Wow, that sounds so hard," he instead told me in so many words that if I had just stopped focusing on myself then I would have had more baptisms. Think I felt like he cared? Guess again.

2. Don't blame yourself. Unless you were abusive. Then blame yourself, because you are a scumbag. Otherwise, it isn't your fault. Don't guilt yourself out for not having seen the signs, or for not "being a better parent/sibling/friend" thinking it would have prevented their having depression. No one is perfect. And sometimes depression just happens. We can't always prevent bad things from happening. It's just how life is.

3. Don't make them feel like something is wrong with them. Sounds kind of obvious, but I'm speaking from experience. They already feel like something is wrong with them, and they certainly don't need your judging comments to confirm it. When I wrote home telling my family I was coming home a transfer earlier than expected, one relative wrote me and told me how disappointed they were in me. They told me that I was just giving up when it got hard. Let me tell you, that person didn't know a dang thing what I had been going through, how many prayers I'd said, how many tears I'd cried, how many buses I was tempted to jump in front of each time they passed. What I needed was support, not daggers. I had already received several answers to prayer that going home was the best thing for me, and I had 100% support from my mission president. But they thought they knew better, so that made them right, right? Wrong. It just made me feel even more hurt, and like I couldn't trust them. In case you didn't know, giving a guilt trip to get people to do what you think is best only makes you look like a jerk.

4. In relation to the last one, don't tell them all the things they should be doing different. Suggestions are great. "Have you tried...", "This worked for me, maybe it could work for you..." "What if..." Those are okay. But dictating their life (constantly saying "You SHOULD do...." and then making them feel bad every time they don't do what you tell them) will only make it look like you want to be in charge of their life, which if you do, it's time to back off a little. They have their agency, and you have yours. If they do things different, that is their choice. Now, if they are harming themselves or threatening to harm themselves or others, it is probably time for an intervention, and I do suggest calling 911 or taking them to a hospital. If they are mad at you for preventing them from hurting themselves or others, so be it. If the threats turned out to be false or a cry for attention, well, you didn't know any better and that's okay. Because if it was a real threat, then I think you can live knowing you saved a life.

5. Don't stop taking care of yourself. Do I sound like a skipping record? I have made this mistake. You are your first priority. It doesn't make you selfish by taking care of your own needs first. Don't try to carry a person if you yourself feel like you are sinking. Helping others can be empowering and strengthening sometimes, but if helping another is making you sink into depression, then you might want to consider drawing some boundaries, and/or getting some help for yourself. You are not the Savior. The Savior is the Savior. Let Him do His job. Yes, we can help be His hands, but not to the point that it destroys you too.


I hope this post was helpful and that it made sense. I will again apologize for the mistakes I have made in helping others. I'm not perfect, but I am trying the best I can. Thanks for stopping by.

You are beautiful

I love this quote! Don't forget that you are beautiful, even if you don't feel so. :)