self-image

I think this sums it up pretty well. :)

When sin is involved

I've been thinking a bit about sin, and how that affects depression. Most of my posts are catered to those who deal with depression even though they haven't committed any big transgressions or anything. However, I want to talk just a tad about how repentance is a HUGE key in overcoming depression when sin is in the picture.

I'm reading a book called Hard Questions, Prophetic Answers by Daniel Judd, a former member of the General Sunday School presidency, and who also taught one of my Book of Mormon classes at BYU. Among topics such as divorce, homosexuality, and abuse, there is a section on depression. I 100% believe this book to be inspired. He discusses how there are some plagued by depression because they have committed some serious sins, and although they try therapy and medication, their depression doesn't go away until they have repented.

Now, repentance doesn't just mean feeling bad for a little and apologizing. What it really means is to change. It's a change of heart. It's matching our will with God's. Repentance isn't some uncomfortable word that should be painful to hear. It simply means to change, by accessing the Atonement. Ofttimes change requires swallowing our stubborn pride and admitting that we're wrong. Sometimes it means a terrifying but needed trip to the Bishop, who is called by God to help you. It always means getting on our knees and pleading for God's help to change our imperfect selves. And it also requires patience.

I love the story in the Book of Helaman when the Lamanites and the "inactive member" Nephite are in the prison where Lehi and Nephi are kept, and this huge shadow overcomes them. The quiet yet penetrating voice of the Lord commands them to them to repent. The Lamanites panic and ask what they should do to remove the darkness, and the Nephite, in an inspired recollection of his former testimony cries, "Ye must repent, and cry unto the voice, even until ye shall have faith in Christ, who was taught unto you...and when ye shall do this, the cloud of darkness shall be removed from overshadowing you."

And then something incredible happens. They all began to plead to the voice that they had heard until, and the cloud dissipated, and they looked around and "they saw that they were encircled about, yea, every soul, by a pillar of fire...yet it did harm them not, neither did it take hold upon the walls of the prison; and they were filled with that joy which is unspeakable and full of glory....and it came to pass that there came a voice unto them, yea, a pleasant voice, as if it were a whisper, saying: Peace, peace be until you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world." (Helaman 5, The Book of Mormon).

Holy smokes. I remember reading that and thinking--wow, that can TOTALLY be applied to depression! This dark, terrible cloud that is is replaced with glorious joy when we repent and have faith on the Savior. And I'm NOT talking about the times that we unnecessarily guilt ourselves out over miniscule things (see my earlier post "sins vs. mistakes"). I mean the times when we know we have sinned against God and we need to repent.

I promise that it works! We don't need to suffer, because Christ already did that for us. He suffered out of complete, pure love for each of us, so that we don't have to suffer the consequences of sin if we repent. His plan, God's plan, is so beautiful.

If we don't repent, it's like staying trapped in a deep, dark hole, and refusing to grab the rope that the Savior has let down for us to take hold of...It's the only way out.

God Bless America

Okay, this weekend was a little intense for me.

FIRST off, I got to meet the incredible BECKY!!! I met her via e-mail--she served in my same mission awhile back while also battling depression, and she has been the hugest blessing in my life in overcoming this obstacle. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her. She is amazing. AMAZING. It was awesome to finally meet her in person after being pen pals since November.

We went to Idaho Falls to spend time with my brother-in-law's family. Two missionaries in their family came home and so they had a special fireside at which they both spoke. I guess that, although I've come a long way from before, I still have a lot of healing to do, because I couldn't even make it through the first half of the fireside without having mission depression feelings rise up. I guess it's still just hard to hear of peoples "wonderful" missions and the blessings from working hard/being obedient/being worthy etc....blessings that I had worked so hard for and almost never saw, despite working just as hard, being obedient, and being worthy myself. Those that don't understand where I come from would probably say something like, "Just get over it! Missions are hard!" And to those people I'd like to say, "Okay, you go on a mission with depression and come back and tell me again to just get over it. Then we can talk." But,  for most of the rest of the fireside, I kept myself distracted with the little kids. I guess one of the hardest parts about that is that missionary firesides used to be so powerful and inspiring to me growing up. I looked forward to the RM firesides and the strong spirit that they invoked. But now for me they only dig up memories that are hard to bear. But that's okay. It's just how it is right now, and I hold on to the hope that one day I will overcome things like missionary firesides.

Moving on. 

Last night we got to watch the amazing firework display put on by Idaho Falls. Holy smokes. It was honestly the BEST firework display I've seen...and I've seen a lot of them. The Fourth of July has probably become my 2nd favorite holiday next to Christmas. It totally brings me back to Paraguay...because in Paraguay I became so much more patriotic. A year ago, to celebrate the 4th, my comp and I made red jell-o and sang the national anthem for our companion study, and for church we sang "Battle Hymn of the Republic," since I picked the hymns and that's the only patriotic song in the Spanish hymn book. It was in Paraguay that I really became so grateful for my home country. And so, I thought last night as I watched the fireworks, of the little things about America that I am grateful for. I thought I'd put a list here:

• being able to flush the toilet paper
• not worrying about where my next meal will come from
• having more than 10 options to choose from at meal time
• carpet. Blessed carpet.
• constant hot water
• non-electric showers.
• not having spiders bigger than a quarter in my pension
• not needing to deal with vermin
• not having chivivi (diarrhea) on a weekly basis
• not sweating my guts out 9 months of the year straight
• fast food
• home cooked food
• not seeing dogs in the hallways of hospitals
• soldiers that fight for my country
• technology at my fingertips
• not worrying if my creaking bed will break while I sleep
• not needing to worry 24/7 about getting mugged or having my house broken into
• cars that function
• cheese that doesn't taste like it's been rotting for a week
• milk that isn't stored on the shelf and that tastes really good
• food safety laws
• clean water. all the time.
• never seeing a house made out of trash
• Things that smell good. Like lotion. 
• Being able to dress cute. (Yes, I know that this one is more shallow, but I was tired of dressing like a hobo for a year and a half)
• Cereal! Lots of it!!!
• A full pantry and fridge
• strong wards almost everywhere 
• going to church and not worrying if the whole bishopric and relief society presidency will remain active
• not needing to shower in flip flops
• being able to walk around the house barefoot without fear of obtaining skin-burrowing parasites
• not watching my house fall apart before my eyes
• police that do their job
• access to good meds

Okay I'll stop there, even though I know I could keep going. Actually, I'll be surprised if you even read the whole list. Anyway, basically, what I really want to say, is GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

Why do you love America? I'd love to hear your comments. :)