30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

I read this article from here and thought it was totally applicable for this blog. There are so many truths here. Love it!

Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.

Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.

Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.

Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.

Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.

Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.

Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Coming soon.... :)

So, I wanted to just announce a project I'll be starting. In my figure painting class, we need to create a body of work that is tied together and work on that for the rest of the semester. I decided to focus on psychological disorders. I announced my project via facebook asking for participants and was surprised that six people messaged me! I will be focusing on the themes of depression, eating disorders, dysthymia (a form of depression), OCD, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The final results of this project may appear disturbing or uncomfortable to look at...but that's kind of the point. Mental disorders are NOT comfortable. But they are a big issue that need to be talked about, especially in the church where they are often shoved under the rug or totally misunderstood. I'll post the results of the project at the end of the semester...about mid-December or so.

Hugs!

You are not a terrible person for having depression

I'm sorry I haven't really updated this in awhile. I haven't really had any spurts of inspiration. But I'd like to address a little thought: I've noticed that we people with depression, or even those that are just going through a hard time, tend to give ourselves guilt trips about the bad feelings we already have. Isn't that funny--we already feel bad, so we make ourselves feel worse by thinking we shouldn't feel that way.

Guess what--it's okay to feel crappy. It's okay to have bad days. Yes, they suck, but giving yourself a guilt trip about it certainly won't make you feel any better.

"Why do I feel this way??" "I should be able to deal with this!!" "Other people go through worse things and handle it so much better!!" "What's wrong with me?" Do these sound familiar? Probably.

Well, let's answer these really honestly--you feel "that way" because you have depression. Not because you did something awful. Your dopamine or serotonin levels in your brain are not balancing out right. That's not your fault. It's nobody's fault.

As far as "dealing" with it--you are dealing with it. You have to give yourself credit for all the effort you go through. You are still pushing forward despite feeling terribly crummy. That is dealing with it really awesomely in actuality. Just because the bad feelings don't go away doesn't mean you're not dealing with it.

And the "other people" reasoning--- in actuality, you do not see all of the pain behind the closed doors of peoples' hearts. You only see them from your perspective, not theirs. So it's pretty unreasonable to compare how you deal with things to how you think other people deal with things.

And there is nothing wrong with you. I think with depression people often go through the stages of grief.  Unless you have some serious sins to repent of, in which case, repentance really does work!, it is not your fault for feeling the way you do.

Update of the Update

Ok, this is just a mini update.

So, my calling is going well, even though I'm not really sure what I'm doing.

And I have figured out why I am so stinkin' tired. I do not have mono, nor sleep apnea. It is simply a side effect of my anti-depressants. Boooo. Oh well. I'd much much much rather be tired than depressed, although it is really annoying to be this tired even when I get a solid 8 hours of sleep. A perk of this, is that it is making me be on the ball about getting sufficient sleep--I am trying to look at this as another opportunity to master myself. I can't do much about the side effect of my meds, but I do have the agency to decide my attitude about it. So, I'm making the goal now to not complain about it.

Hugs.

Some Lies we tell ourselves

1: "I am worthless/I am a failure."

2: "God could never love me."

3: "There's just no point anymore. Why am I even trying?"


Let's tackle these. And I'd love to hear your insights as well.

1) I am worthless/ I am a failure: Holy smokes I felt this one all the time on my mission. Every time I didn't make my numbers, I felt like I had failed. If only I had enough faith, or better time-management, or had the Spirit more...  It took me a long time to really believe that I had actually been of some use. A letter from a convert...a comment from a member we worked with about her feeling the Spirit with us... just little things.

Lesson learned--look for the little things that prove this idea wrong. A small accomplishment here...service rendered by your own hand... look back on all you have done and accomplished. Goodness gracious, you are worth so much, and have accomplished so much, and will yet accomplish many things. There was some quote I read from pinterest.com that says something like, "No matter how slow you're going, you're still lapping everyone on the couch." So true!

"For who can find a virtuous woman (or man)? For her (or his) price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10

And for those who feel like they have no virtue due to mistakes, or whatever the reason, you are still doing so much good. If you have ever been a friend to anyone, said a kind word to someone, tried to help someone out--you are contributing in building the Lord's kingdom.


2) God could never love me: I cringe when I recall that by a year into my mission, I truly believed this. I thought I was such a failure as a missionary, that there was just know way that God could love me. Fortunately I now recognize that that was a dirty, terrible lie from the adversary. It doesn't matter how much we mess up, "His hand is stretched out still." Just read a couple chapters from the Book of Mormon, and you will see verse after verse reflecting God and Christs' infinite and unbiased love for each one us. Even you! In the book of Moses, Moses is with God and He is looking over the earth, and you know what God did? He wept. Moses was shocked--this, the Great God and Ruler of the universe, was crying??? Over what?? Our Heavenly Father was weeping for us. His children. Because He was so heartbroken that we would sin--we, who He loves so much.

We don't have to be perfect to deserve God's love. His love is not something that we have to earn. We can count on His love as being constant--no matter how shaky and crazy your life is, His love for His children will not and cannot change. Do we deserve it? ...mmmm questionable.... but that doesn't matter! He loves us anyway.

3) There's no point anymore:

Many of us have thought this as the alarm clock has gone off and we have to face another day. Or maybe the thought comes in the darkness after secretly sobbing our heart and soul out.

But this is what Satan wants you to believe. That there is no point. He wants to make us "miserable like unto himself." If he can get us to lose our very will, he wins. It is here that we lose the eternal perspective.

So what is that eternal perspective? It is that if we truly give up, we give away the chance for eternal happiness, glory, and exaltation. Eternal families and Godhood. To live with our Heavenly Father and Christ again. I mean we give all this up if we REALLY give up not just for a moment, but forever. Whether that be by taking your own life when you know you shouldn't, or living as if nothing mattered for the remainder of your life. I sure hope it never gets that bad. But for some it does.

You are so loved. Not only by God, but by the people in your life as well. People are counting on you--future or current children, a future or current spouse. Future posterity. The work of God depends on your however seemingly small actions.

Remember: Good thoughts that draw you to God come from God. Bad thoughts that turn you away from Him are from Satan. It's that simple.

I'd love to know what helps you battle these thoughts, or what other "lies" we tell ourselves that we could discuss.

Hugs!

Update!

Okay, so I feel it appropriate to just update a little on my own life. I only share this to show how far I've come, and how much it's even surprised me.

I have been called to be the Relief Society President of my ward.

Crazy.

If someone had told me that I'd be an RS president at the age of 23 (and less than a year after my mission), I would have been really surprised. And yet, as soon as I found out that the last RS president was moving, the thought/impression immediately came: "It could be me..."  And then last Sunday the secretary called me to say the Bishop wanted to see me. At that,  I was about 90% sure I was about to get this calling, since the Bishop NEVER has asked to see me--all my other callings were extended by his 1st Counselor. So, once the call came, I actually wasn't too surprised.

But I have NEVER had any kind of Relief Society calling before. Ever. Not visiting teaching supervisor, enrichment or ANYTHING. So, this is going to be quite the adventure! And I couldn't be more excited. :) I kept the 1st Counselor the same, and the secretary automatically stays the same, and after meeting with them, I just felt like this is going to be awesome. Like really really stretching for me, but really incredible.

I just need to be aware of not guilting myself out when things don't go perfectly. I feel like I've learned from the mission and with depression to not do that. It's not healthy. Constructive criticism is always fine, but overly beating oneself up about anything is not okay, and does not come from God.

Also, I've been unnaturally tired lately...like I have to sleep through my lunch breaks just to make it through the rest of the day, even after getting 7-8 hours of sleep. I'm getting tested for sleep apnea, but it looks like mono could be a culprit...booooo.  So, the health issues haven't been fun, but whatevs.

Anyway, I know this isn't a typical post for this blog, but I thought I'd just update everyone.

I find it amazing that I have been able to progress from depression so fast. It gives me a lot of hope for other people, and I completely know that my experiences with depression have helped prepare me to receive this calling...which my Bishop said as well.

Anyway, it's going to be an adventure!!

~hugs!~

self-image

I think this sums it up pretty well. :)

When sin is involved

I've been thinking a bit about sin, and how that affects depression. Most of my posts are catered to those who deal with depression even though they haven't committed any big transgressions or anything. However, I want to talk just a tad about how repentance is a HUGE key in overcoming depression when sin is in the picture.

I'm reading a book called Hard Questions, Prophetic Answers by Daniel Judd, a former member of the General Sunday School presidency, and who also taught one of my Book of Mormon classes at BYU. Among topics such as divorce, homosexuality, and abuse, there is a section on depression. I 100% believe this book to be inspired. He discusses how there are some plagued by depression because they have committed some serious sins, and although they try therapy and medication, their depression doesn't go away until they have repented.

Now, repentance doesn't just mean feeling bad for a little and apologizing. What it really means is to change. It's a change of heart. It's matching our will with God's. Repentance isn't some uncomfortable word that should be painful to hear. It simply means to change, by accessing the Atonement. Ofttimes change requires swallowing our stubborn pride and admitting that we're wrong. Sometimes it means a terrifying but needed trip to the Bishop, who is called by God to help you. It always means getting on our knees and pleading for God's help to change our imperfect selves. And it also requires patience.

I love the story in the Book of Helaman when the Lamanites and the "inactive member" Nephite are in the prison where Lehi and Nephi are kept, and this huge shadow overcomes them. The quiet yet penetrating voice of the Lord commands them to them to repent. The Lamanites panic and ask what they should do to remove the darkness, and the Nephite, in an inspired recollection of his former testimony cries, "Ye must repent, and cry unto the voice, even until ye shall have faith in Christ, who was taught unto you...and when ye shall do this, the cloud of darkness shall be removed from overshadowing you."

And then something incredible happens. They all began to plead to the voice that they had heard until, and the cloud dissipated, and they looked around and "they saw that they were encircled about, yea, every soul, by a pillar of fire...yet it did harm them not, neither did it take hold upon the walls of the prison; and they were filled with that joy which is unspeakable and full of glory....and it came to pass that there came a voice unto them, yea, a pleasant voice, as if it were a whisper, saying: Peace, peace be until you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world." (Helaman 5, The Book of Mormon).

Holy smokes. I remember reading that and thinking--wow, that can TOTALLY be applied to depression! This dark, terrible cloud that is is replaced with glorious joy when we repent and have faith on the Savior. And I'm NOT talking about the times that we unnecessarily guilt ourselves out over miniscule things (see my earlier post "sins vs. mistakes"). I mean the times when we know we have sinned against God and we need to repent.

I promise that it works! We don't need to suffer, because Christ already did that for us. He suffered out of complete, pure love for each of us, so that we don't have to suffer the consequences of sin if we repent. His plan, God's plan, is so beautiful.

If we don't repent, it's like staying trapped in a deep, dark hole, and refusing to grab the rope that the Savior has let down for us to take hold of...It's the only way out.

God Bless America

Okay, this weekend was a little intense for me.

FIRST off, I got to meet the incredible BECKY!!! I met her via e-mail--she served in my same mission awhile back while also battling depression, and she has been the hugest blessing in my life in overcoming this obstacle. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her. She is amazing. AMAZING. It was awesome to finally meet her in person after being pen pals since November.

We went to Idaho Falls to spend time with my brother-in-law's family. Two missionaries in their family came home and so they had a special fireside at which they both spoke. I guess that, although I've come a long way from before, I still have a lot of healing to do, because I couldn't even make it through the first half of the fireside without having mission depression feelings rise up. I guess it's still just hard to hear of peoples "wonderful" missions and the blessings from working hard/being obedient/being worthy etc....blessings that I had worked so hard for and almost never saw, despite working just as hard, being obedient, and being worthy myself. Those that don't understand where I come from would probably say something like, "Just get over it! Missions are hard!" And to those people I'd like to say, "Okay, you go on a mission with depression and come back and tell me again to just get over it. Then we can talk." But,  for most of the rest of the fireside, I kept myself distracted with the little kids. I guess one of the hardest parts about that is that missionary firesides used to be so powerful and inspiring to me growing up. I looked forward to the RM firesides and the strong spirit that they invoked. But now for me they only dig up memories that are hard to bear. But that's okay. It's just how it is right now, and I hold on to the hope that one day I will overcome things like missionary firesides.

Moving on. 

Last night we got to watch the amazing firework display put on by Idaho Falls. Holy smokes. It was honestly the BEST firework display I've seen...and I've seen a lot of them. The Fourth of July has probably become my 2nd favorite holiday next to Christmas. It totally brings me back to Paraguay...because in Paraguay I became so much more patriotic. A year ago, to celebrate the 4th, my comp and I made red jell-o and sang the national anthem for our companion study, and for church we sang "Battle Hymn of the Republic," since I picked the hymns and that's the only patriotic song in the Spanish hymn book. It was in Paraguay that I really became so grateful for my home country. And so, I thought last night as I watched the fireworks, of the little things about America that I am grateful for. I thought I'd put a list here:

• being able to flush the toilet paper
• not worrying about where my next meal will come from
• having more than 10 options to choose from at meal time
• carpet. Blessed carpet.
• constant hot water
• non-electric showers.
• not having spiders bigger than a quarter in my pension
• not needing to deal with vermin
• not having chivivi (diarrhea) on a weekly basis
• not sweating my guts out 9 months of the year straight
• fast food
• home cooked food
• not seeing dogs in the hallways of hospitals
• soldiers that fight for my country
• technology at my fingertips
• not worrying if my creaking bed will break while I sleep
• not needing to worry 24/7 about getting mugged or having my house broken into
• cars that function
• cheese that doesn't taste like it's been rotting for a week
• milk that isn't stored on the shelf and that tastes really good
• food safety laws
• clean water. all the time.
• never seeing a house made out of trash
• Things that smell good. Like lotion. 
• Being able to dress cute. (Yes, I know that this one is more shallow, but I was tired of dressing like a hobo for a year and a half)
• Cereal! Lots of it!!!
• A full pantry and fridge
• strong wards almost everywhere 
• going to church and not worrying if the whole bishopric and relief society presidency will remain active
• not needing to shower in flip flops
• being able to walk around the house barefoot without fear of obtaining skin-burrowing parasites
• not watching my house fall apart before my eyes
• police that do their job
• access to good meds

Okay I'll stop there, even though I know I could keep going. Actually, I'll be surprised if you even read the whole list. Anyway, basically, what I really want to say, is GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

Why do you love America? I'd love to hear your comments. :)

God's Purposes

There was a scripture and comment that was made today in Sunday school that really intrigued me.

Here's the scripture:

(God is speaking here.) "For behold, this is my work and my glory--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." Moses 1:39

Then, the visiting stake high council member made the comment, "If you had the responsibility of helping a soul obtain eternal life, how would you do it?"

 Woah, I'd never thought of that. Everything God does is to help us be prepared for eternal life and to become as He is, and to become as He is, well, we can't just be handed everything. So I thought about that. If I were a God and was in charge of helping people be prepared for eternal life, I'd have to give them trials. There would be no other way for them to grow, no other way for them to be prepared. You don't grow by only having blessings. We have to have an opposition in all things. Our trials are God's way of preparing us for eternal life. As hard and miserable as they are...there is a bigger picture. I don't think every trial comes from God by any means--many are results of our own disobedience or the disobedience of others, but there is an eternal, massive picture greater than any of us can see. It's just so hard to see when our spiritual eyes are blurred by dark clouds of depression or other trials. I also do believe that Satan so cunningly uses depression to his advantage in trying to destroy, tempt, and discourage us, but if we do everything within our power to help ourselves, while relying on the Lord, we will be lifted up, even if it isn't as soon as we would like.

God loves us so much, and wants us to not only return to Him, but to become like Him. Pause and think of how your trials have made you better. Maybe you're more understanding. You've likely been able to help others as well. You're definitely stronger. Your Heavenly Father is molding you into something bigger than our earthly eyes and mind can comprehend.

Savior, Redeemer of My Soul

Okay, so about a week ago, I went on a date and we saw the movie "17 Miracles," which is about the Willie Handcart Company. Now first of all, I'm usually skeptical about Mormon films, because, let's be honest, most of them are not well done. I appreciate them, I just think we can do better. However, this movie was pretty good. What made it powerful though, was that it was based on true events.

Second of all, I hate crying in front of people. So much so, that almost no guy has ever seen me cry, and I NEVER cry in the theater.

Long story short....I totally cried. (And so did my date...so I didn't feel so bad.) The movie made me think of my mission and I thought of the horrendous trials that the Saints went through. And they played this song called "Savior, Redeemer of My Soul" in it, and it was beautiful . So beautiful, that yesterday I played it over and over while at work. I'm pretty sure it's my new favorite hymn-like song, tied with "Come Thou Fount" and "I Feel My Savior's Love." It's one of those successful hymns that has both beautiful lyrics, and a beautiful melody. So, here are a couple versions of it. In the first one (my favorite one), the actual song doesn't start until about 2:12.

Beautiful People

I read this quote and thought it was amazing and so true:

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. --Elizabeth Kubler Ros

I also read this other quote in last month's issue of the Ensign. Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more. He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding and compassion, which polish you for everlasting benefit. To get from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain."

So I guess my theme is that our trials mold us into beautiful people, if we let them. We still have the choice to let our trials harden us, or to humble us. The most biggest heroes in my life are the ones that have also gone through the most difficult trials. But they didn't let those trials define them, or make them angry at God or life or themselves. They relied on Christ and became strengthened and in turn have helped many, many other people. I especially think of my grandfather, who had a less than ideal childhood, and yet is one of the most Christlike people I have ever met. I also think of my Young Women's President. She had lost a 2-year old child, and a son-in-law. And yet she is one of the most wise and caring people, and I attribute much of who I am to the woman she was. I think of my art teacher Benjie that fought for years and eventually lost her battle to breast cancer. She had also lost a daughter to a murder. And yet, she brightened up EVERYONE'S lives up until the end of her's. I think of these people and want to be like them. And most of all, I want  to be more like the Savior. And think of what all of them went through to become beautiful people. Especially Christ. I can't expect to become beautiful without having first experienced my own Garden of Gethsemane. And neither can  you.

Just keep swimming

Oh Dori. That little blue fish from Finding Nemo is a character that you just can't help but love, and love quoting. One of her most oft-quoted lines in my family is when she sings her cheery little tune, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, what do we do? We swim, swim!" You know, as silly as that little song is, I think it's totally applicable.

I think with depression and just life in general it's really important to avoid obsessive perfectionism and learn your limits, and to be easy on yourself emotionally. However, I think it is just as important that when all you want to do is sleep for days and feel like you have nothing motivating you, to just keep swimming. Keep going. You don't have to go fast, but just keep moving.

Now, I don't want to sound like I'm contradicting myself from a former post about not running faster than you have strength. I think it's so important to be kind to yourself, and recognize when you need a break. However, I have found that when my intended short "break" turns into a weeklong vacation off of life, I have done nothing to help myself and feel even worse.

I also think of the story called The Little Engine that Could. What a great story! If you aren't familiar with it, go google it right now. I think we are all like the little engine, with our huge load going uphill. But, we should apply her attitude as well: "I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!" She wasn't in a race, and she didn't need to go fast. She just needed to keep going and she kept telling herself she could until she reached the top of that hill. She wasn't the strongest train by any means, but she put her mind to the task and just kept going.

So, when you feel like poop and have little energy and wonder what the point of anything is, or feel like you're lost or alone--just keep swimming, and tell yourself you can. Because you can. Never underestimate your own strength. I think most of our strength comes from just believing that we have it! You can do it! You're not in a race against anyone else. As you get up and keep moving, you will find that you are digging yourself out of those little bouts that attack you. I promise. :)

The Civility Experiment

This is a great clip about being judgmental toward our fellow man. May we all learn to not be so quick to judge.

Labels

This is an older post from my other blog: loveeverysandwich.blogspot.com, before I had turned it into a humor-based blog. I felt it was appropriate for here.

Labels:

Labels are a funny thing. We use them to easily identify people, for example, "She's single." "He's gay." "She's a musician." "He's a loser." "She's a schizo." "He's divorced." "She's a *%##." "He's a doctor." But doing that creates everyone a disservice: we come to see people under just one or two labels (often bad, and always leading to other assumptions or other labels about them) instead of a being with a concoction of gifts, talents, personality traits, weaknesses (you have them too, as I'm sure you're already aware), good and rough experiences that have shaped this being into a unique child of God who has the potential to become like Him. And even if we don't think that the person isterribly unique, they are still a child of God and I think it makes God pretty sad to see His children ignorantly bashing on His other children.
  The worst thing, is often we identify ourselves with labels, which shape how we look upon ourselves, which determines our self-esteem. And I think that makes God sad too.
  Here's an example of how I label myself with 2 different labels, and each of them affect my self-esteem.

Case 1: "I'm single." -->following thought process: 'Wow, something must be wrong with me...it seems like everyone else is already married or at least in a significant relationship...all the girls in my family were married by the time they were 19....wow I'm a loser! (just led to another bad label)"

Case 2: "I'm an RM" -->"Wow, that means I'm really cool. I wasn't even obligated to go and so that means I'm a pretty good person! I'm pretty righteous."

Both labels have different affects, and both ultimately lead to pride issues. Actually, thinking about it, it's the PRIDE that creates the labels. When we create bad labels for people, we feel we are better than them--thankful that such a label does not apply to ourselves (in our ignorant knowledge). Good labels on ourselves may make us feel like we are better than those who donot follow under that label.
   Now, think of those examples--when you labeled someone with case 1 label or case 2, did my thought process match up with what your perception of me would be if you only knew me under one of the two labels? If you're Mormon and grew up in the Mormon culture (I just labeled you!) then chances are they matched up pretty well. Interesting how a society or culture creates the meanings and feelings associated with the labels, and they gain a general consensus.
  Now, if I gave you a list of all the different labels that apply to me instead of one, you'd get a more accurate picture of who I am, instead of labeling me simply as "single" or "an RM."
Here's my list: *single   *RM   *Mormon   *Republican    *artist   *college student   *Relief Society member    *quirky    *art ed major    *sister    *daughter    *friend    *traveler    *asthmatic  ...etc.
   And if one's perception of a label isn't even accurate, it makes it worse. For example, if I told someone I just met, "I'm Mormon," if they don't know much about that religion, then they might think, "Wow, she's going to be one of many wives of the same dude, what a sicko." (we don't follow that anymore btw--those are other religions thank you very much! research it.)

But....there is ONE label that applies to everyone, and will totally and completely change the perspective you have on everyone, whether they're previously labeled as "emo" "gangbanger" "rebel" "goody-two-shoes" "valedictorian" "cheater" "player" "tool" "saint" "scientist" or just a plain old "weirdo".

Here's the magical label that I challenge you to label everyone: Child of God.

It applies to everyone, including yourself. Did that alter your perspective? I hope it did. Pride can take no claim on that label, and it's the very label God would refer to each of His children, which He created and knows by name not to mention the number of hairs on their head.

Recognizing God's Hand in my Life

There's an often-used saying that goes along the lines of "God is always there for you." I have always liked to confide in that statement, but there have been some moments in my past where I strongly doubted it. In my moments of frustrated hopelessness, I remember feeling like God had abandoned me, that He cared about His other children more than me, and that He didn't even love me. I could not see any signs of God when I visited dysfunctional families living off of tortillas because they had nothing else. I couldn't see His hand when I counted up my numbers after a day of missionary work, and not reaching the goals even though we tried so so so hard to. I couldn't see Him when disobedient missionaries kept baptizing tons of people while I would go for months without even a progressing investigator even though I kept even the smallest of rules. I wondered where God's "perfect" plan had gone. To me, it seemed like it only existed in Utah, or my hometown, where the church was actually functional and we didn't have to worry about half the bishopric going inactive along with the relief society president. In this 2nd world country, where our dumpy apartment was ritzy compared to the homes of everyone we taught, where I came across boxes of abandoned puppies so new they were still blind, where dogs roamed the halls of dirty hospitals or lay flattened and left to rot in the street, and a "normal" family was not the norm and poverty was, I wondered where God was. When I entered houses literally made of trash, had companions that I definitely did not get along with, lived with bats and mice, heard vulgarities yelled on my behalf, had a baptism fall through the week it was planned, or my "golden" convert go apostate, I began to doubt the things I'd been taught.

At this time, I did not recognize I suffered from a mental illness. I just knew that the "wonderful" mission I'd grown up idolizing was a complete 180 degrees from what I had expected. And when the suicidal thoughts got worse, well, you can imagine that I felt like my Heavenly Father would want nothing to do with me.

How wrong I was.

Flash forward a few months. I am back at Y in "fairy tale land" (let me tell you, it was a culture shock to be back at BYU) and I most surprisingly receive the call to be one of the Gospel Doctrine teachers in a ward of the church that I was brand new in and knew hardly a soul. When I was set apart for my calling, in the blessing the Counselor setting me apart instructed me to look for God's hand in my life each day, and I would happy. The guy had no idea I had depression, so I knew it was something my Heavenly Father had prompted him to say.

After that, I took more effort to recognize the good things that happened each day. And I noticed, that I indeed was getting happier. And I began to realize how involved God was in my life. And I dared to look back on my mission sometimes...and surprisingly saw His hand interwoven amidst my trials. I saw His hand in my mission presidents, who loved me as a parent, and who I loved as their child, which dared to make me doubt my doubts that God didn't love me. I felt His hand when I read the Book of Mormon or other scriptures and would read something that seemed too perfect for me to learn and know. He was there in the priesthood blessings I received...in leaders that didn't conform to their disobedient peers and made me proud to know them. I saw His hand in loving people that embraced me and didn't judge me when I really had a meltdown. I saw Him in the breathtaking sunsets that only Paraguay can claim. I saw Him in the beautiful natural beauties that weren't tainted with hundreds of billboards and man-made lawns. I felt it when I saw my "brothers" (the Elders I arrived with to Paraguay) at zone conferences and felt a bond with them that I have never felt before nor since, or when I would get a letter from someone that would say just what I needed.

I challenge you to look for God's hand in your life. No matter what you are going through, He is there. Somewhere. He's in the details. I honestly say, that if His hand had not been in my life, I probably would have gave in to my poisonous thoughts and jumped in front of a speeding bus when I wouldn't have been able to take any more. God is there. He lets us struggle, often for reasons that I just don't know or understand, but He is there. And He loves you so so so much. If you doubt, I dare you to ask Him, and He will show you in some small way that He is deeply aware of you and your needs and your struggles.
God lives. So does His Son ,Jesus Christ, who loves us just as much.

I testify of that. Without a doubt.

Composing...

I made this song on a whim. I have zero recording skills, so the sound quality isn't a hundred percent, but it's not a problem. I didn't really know what to call it, so I titled it "Flown Away."

Loving Yourself

I think it only appropriate after talking about self-acceptance to move on to the next step: self-love. A girl in my ward talked about the very subject today, and I felt like it was a very appropriate topic to discuss here.

I think we all know people who love themselves maybe too much, and many of us do not love ourselves enough. Before throwing myself into the scary world of missionary work, I definitely had some assertiveness issues. For some reason, I felt that others' needs were more important than my own, and consequently got walked over like a doormat, had terrible self-esteem, went unnecessarily out of my way to accommodate others' trivial needs, and frankly got myself into some rather interesting and uncomfortable situations that could have been avoided had I loved myself just a little bit more. In fact, my other blog, which documents the embarrassing moments in my life, can mostly be attributed to my lack of assertion.

I have since learned, that no one's needs are above mine, but nor are mine above those of others. I am of equal value of those around me. Once I realized and embraced that idea, my life became much more liberating. I could still be kind and still serve others, but I didn't need to give up things that were necessary for myself in order to make people happy. I learned how to say "no" when appropriate and not feel so guilty. This was a huge step for me in actually treating myself like I loved myself.

In the talk I heard, the young woman, Kellie, mentioned how we need to develop a relationship with ourselves, as silly as that may sound. We need to take time for ourselves. I totally agree! Constantly criticizing ourself destroys that relationship, and is a next important step in self-love. Constructive criticism is needed in order to progress, guilt is needed to repent and draw closer to God, but constantly abusing ourselves for every little thing we do wrong is not healthy. Recognize all the good that you are. Learn to love and become friends with the person in the mirror.

Low self-esteem is difficult to overcome. But it definitely can be done!!! You are a wonderful child of God--a God in embryo. That means you have eternal potential to grow and progress and become like our Savior. How cool is that? Even if you feel talentless, worthless, and love-less, you currently, as in this very moment, have the potential to become like our Heavenly Parents. You are of Royal lineage, and it's time you started treating yourself that way. You are not the scum of the kingdom, a peasant, slave, servant, or handmaid/butler. You are of the very Royal Blood, the son or daughter of a Celestial King and Queen and can obtain all the blessings that They enjoy. So, act like it, and treat yourself like it. You aren't better than anyone else, but no one is better than you either.

Hugs.

Move Along

I heard this song today, and I think it is true--when things are going bad, just move along and you'll make it through.

Celebrating the Victories

During a trial, I think it's really important to celebrate the victories, however small they seem. Doing that helps me feel more motivated, as well as helps me see how much I'm actually progressing. For example, if I actually go out and exercise: victory. If I get out of bed on a really rough day: victory. I make myself a real meal instead of a quesadilla or ramen: victory. I got my homework done: you go girl.

It's easy to focus on the perceived "failures," but that is both harmful and just plain demotivating. I noticed on my mission that leaders who focused on the good we accomplished were MUCH more effective in pumping us up for the work than those who constantly reminded us how much we needed to improve.

So, celebrate the things you DO achieve. You didn't lose your patience and blow up at someone like you normally might or want to do: victory. You got the nerve to talk to that cute guy/girl (even if they didn't seem responsive): victory. You did a small act of service: you rock my world.

If you accomplish something really difficult, you can even make a tangible reward--buy yourself some kind of reward, eat a bowl of ice cream....I don't know...be creative.

So, let's celebrate! :)

Learning Self-Acceptance

One of the hardest things about depression, is learning to accept yourself. Figuring out who you are and facing that isn't the most comfortable of things to do, unless you have uber high self-esteem, which many people with depression do NOT have.

So, let's talk about it.

Who are you? Well, let's start with the basics. You are a child of a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother who love you no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Ok, we've got that covered.

Next: you are human. That means you are subject to imperfections. But guess what, everyone you associate with is also human. That means they aren't perfect either. So stop feeling like you don't measure up to everyone else. We weren't all meant to be cookie cutters of the same perfect person either. You also don't see all of the weaknesses of seemingly flawless people, because you are not them. But we've all got them. And that's okay. The best part is, through Christ we can overcome those perfections. Some in this life, and some in the next. But eventually, through Christ's Atonement, our flaws will be ironed out and we will become perfected.

Most likely, if you are reading this, you suffer from mental illness. Well, guess what--me too! We're in this together. I'm really sorry that anyone would have mental illness. But here's the great news that you really need to get through to your brain: it's not your fault. In my case, it's my darn genetics' fault. I have a family tree full of depressed anxious ancestors who probably wondered what was wrong with themselves too. But there's nothing WRONG with you. You have a weakness, a trial, but there's nothing wrong with that. At all. Let me say it simply: there is nothing wrong with having depression, or any mental illness. Unless it was brought on by substance abuse, it is most likely not your fault. So, don't guilt yourself out if/when you feel crummy. It's actually a lot easier to deal with once you accept it and stop guilting yourself out for having it. Instead of thinking, "Why do I feel like this??? What is wrong with me???" think, "Whew, I don't feel good. I'm having another issue. Okay...let's just get through it." It  takes the burden off quite a bit, trust me.

I remember as a missionary truly feeling like a failure. I was ashamed of who I was, the thoughts and feelings I had, and my self-perceptions as a worthless servant of God. In fact, when I look at mission pictures or talk with other missionaries I served with, a lot of those negative feelings resurface. I'm learning at a snail-like pace to accept who I was though. I'm feeling pretty alright with who I am now, but I still have a lot of issues with who I perceive I was. I'm trying to learn to correct that. It's really hard. Really really really really hard. Especially because most people don't understand why I feel this way. So, this journey of self-acceptance feels extremely lonely, which makes it harder. BUT it's not impossible. At least, I won't let myself believe that it's impossible. Hope is pretty much what keeps me going.

Anyway...I feel like I'm covering a lot of things... basically I think the whole gist of what I'm trying to get at is that it's okay to be YOU. It's okay that you have problems. We don't have to let those problems be what define us though. I would never solely define myself as "Depressed." Because that definitely is not what makes me act and it certainly doesn't entail my beliefs. Now, "Christian artist return missionary student secretary who likes to cake decorate and still enjoys popping bubble wrap" would be a much more appropriate definition. But not even that little blurb could really define me. Especially because I'm not done growing and developing...which each of us will do our whole lives.

When Depression Revisits

Ofttimes, with depression, it's not a steady feeling of misery, but rather it comes in visits like an unwanted neighbor.

"I'm back!!!!!!"

                                

 It could be triggered by a new challenge, remembrance of the past, unkind words said, or maybe for just no reason at all.

It is extremely frustrating to be hit by another bout, especially when we have been feeling great for a time, and have maybe even felt like we had finally conquered the imbalances in our heads. There was a scripture that always made me question: "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy." 2 Ne 2:25. I felt like if we exist to have joy, then why does God allow us to have depression? It just didn't make any sense to me. Then I came across another scripture, I'm not sure what the reference is, but it talks about how after this life, the righteous will go to a place of rest, where they will be free from pain and sorrow...it was so comforting. It is so hopeful to know that one day, we will not be even slightly bothered by mental illness. Ever again. Cool!!! But I do believe, after much reflection and study, that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy during our life, not just after.

However, when Adam fell, that introduced all sorts of bad stuff...sin and countless diseases and sicknesses... But with all of that, God provided a Savior to help us. Not necessarily take the burden away, but to help us through it, or make it lighter, or make us stronger. But, like Enos, we have to "wrestle before the Lord" (Enos 1) much of the time. But we always come out stronger. Remember: you are a fighter. Don't lose hope.

I'm still struggling to know what to do to feel relief when I am revisited with unwanted depression attacks. Something that has helped me lately is work. I just got a full-time job, and it has done wonders for me. It keeps me busy and I feel more independent--something I have always longed for. Keeping busy with something productive has made me totally mentally switch gears. I am WAY more productive than I have been in the past 7 or so months. And that feels fantastic in itself. I was informed how when we do things like play solitaire or read or surf the web all day on a bad day, we are just trying to numb out the depression...but that just puts ourselves in a trap. Get out and get a change of environment. Go on a walk. Go to the store. Whatever it is... but get out.

Most of all never never never lose hope. Maybe you need some new meds (a lot of people have to try more than one kind before they find their "match"), hire a counselor (they rock), and know that as long as you are doing everything you can, that your Heavenly Father is going to help you out. My Bishop gave me the counsel to just get a change of environment when I'm feeling crummy, and then pray for a tender mercy to cross my way when I get to that place as a sign that He approves and/or is watching out for me. I haven't really tried that...but I think I will next time. Or you can put it into practice and let me know how it goes.

What works for you? I'd love to post responses. You can post, or e-mail me: cali_angel777@yahoo.com Let me know if you want it to be anonymous. Remember, we're all in this together. You don't have to fight depression alone, and all contributions are welcome. :)

Hugs.

To any person who has ever felt less than attractive

So, I was driving back from Salt Lake, and was relentlessly bombarded by billboards signs trying to convince me to use lipo or remove varicose veins (or remove my mother's at least) or get rid of my baggy eyes. Frankly, it was embarrassing. Not for myself. I know I can always drop a couple pounds, I've had dark circles under my eyes since age 5, and I am even starting to get those red little spider veins across my legs. And you know what? I don't give a pile of horse manure. I am embarrassed for our society, which tells people that if they were thinner, younger looking, etc. etc. THEN they would be of more value. What a BIG. FAT. LIE. Seriously, why the heck does that even matter????? No wonder eating disorders are so common.

In this area of life, I miss Paraguay a ton. There, it didn't matter if you were a stick or had a gut, had hairy moles across your face, had an appendage missing, wore plaid shorts with a floral shirt, or had a white eye from blowing a firecracker in your face (which I saw on more than one occasion.) It just didn't matter. Yeah, people tried to make themselves look half-decent, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't a sick obsession like here in the good ol' U.S. of A. I miss that. I miss not needing to worry if my makeup melted off my face during the hot sweltering day, or if I wore black and brown together. Now, I DO like to perty myself up now after looking like a hobo for a year and a half, but that's because I like to, not because I feel like I need to.

The truth is, external beauty is not what makes you beautiful. I love the movie Shallow Hal. For those who haven't seen it, it's about a guy who sees people whose beauty reflects what their inner beauty is and he has no idea what they look like in real life, and he ends up dating this 500 lb girl. Fantastic movie.

                        

 I mean really, would you rather marry a gorgeous person who is a total jerk or a not-so-good-looking person who was not only nice, but talented, ambitious, or had any other combination of great qualities. Seriously people. We'll all get resurrected with fan-flippin'-tastic glorious bodies anyway, and we'll all get old and wrinkly and grey during our mortal probation. So, stop worrying about it. I mean, don't let yourself go or anything, but don't worry if you have an ugly day. Or week. Or year. It's okay.

"But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for theLord ^aseeth not as ^bman seeth; for man looketh on the outward^cappearance, but the ^dLord looketh on the ^eheart."  1 Sam 16:7 


There you go. I think the scripture speaks for itself. But here are some more reassurances from popular media that actually have good messages. :)

Mika: Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)

 Joe Crocker: You Are So Beautiful