Some Thoughts on the Atonement

Today is Easter. So, in sacred remembrance of what we celebrate on this day, I want to talk a little about Christ and the Atonement. I can't talk about ALL of my thoughts on the Atonement...that would be a whole book. Maybe that's really what this blog is about though--finding access to the Atonement.

Today in church we had a combined Elder's Quorum/Relief Society Meeting, and the EQ President talked about the Atonement. It was wonderful. He talked about the enabling power of the Atonement for a lot of it, how we usually just focus on the repentance part, and not this part. He said, quoting someone else whose name is fleeing me that we always remember that the Atonement is for the sinner, but we often forget that the Atonement is for saints--for good men and women who are obedient. We ALL need the Atonement. And guess what, we ALL have access to it. Unless you've intentionally murdered or denied the Holy Ghost, you have access to the Atonement.

I love Stephen E. Robinson's book Believing Christ. If you haven't read it, it will seriously change your life. He talks about how so often we feel like we need to save ourselves, and through our own grit and willpower, and that if we were just somehow perfect enough through our own strength, then we will be able to save ourselves. Guess what--those who stick to that method cannot, I repeat, cannot, enter the Celestial Kingdom. They just can't. Because we need a Savior. We need One who can fill the gap. He goes on to emphasize that so often we do believe in Christ. Yes, we know of Him, we know of His teachings, of His life...but do we believe Him? Do we believe Him when He says that He has suffered for each individual one of us, to make us whole and complete us? Guess what folks, we have to accept the help Christ offers us. There is simply no other way if we want to live with God again. I think sometimes we are stubborn--I know a lot of the time I am embarrassed to ask for help because I want to be self-sufficient...I feel like I'm weak or incompetent, or I want to have the pride of accomplishing something myself. I also don't want to inconvenience people. And I especially feel uncomfortable thinking that someone really suffered and died for my sake. I think a lot of us are like that.

But that attitude will simply not fly when we stand before God and He'll ask, "Why didn't you take the help that was offered to you, my child?" The response, "I wanted to do it myself" or "I thought I could do it myself" will not be acceptable answers. He requires us to be humble and accept the help that we have been so mercifully given. But like I mentioned in my last post, humility is not a sign of weakness, but of spiritual strength--it is recognizing where your true strength lies (see Preach My Gospel under "Christlike Attributes"--Chapter 6).

To be honest, I really don't understand how the Atonement works. My good friend's mom in a talk compared the Atonement to one of the Mr. Clean white sponge-brick things. She has not a clue how it works, but it cleans everything. I love that analogy. I would like to add that the Atonement can not only clean everything, but heal everything. There is NOTHING too small or insignificant for the Atonement, nor is there anything too great. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

I loved a comment one ward member made during the lesson today--he said how when we are struggling, the Lord understands us, not because He suffered something similar, but because He suffered our individual pains. Think about that for a moment. Whatever pain YOU feel, that is what He suffered. Not something like unto it, but the very thing that causes you agony or grief is what He felt.

"11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities."
Alma 7: 11-12


There is so much in these verses. Christ knows how to comfort us according to our needs because He suffered our individual pains, sicknesses, and even temptations. What wonderful news that is. We have a Savior. Someone did it for us...what we could not do for ourselves. He makes us stronger, as we accept Him and believe Him. He completes us.

I bear testimony of Him, our Savior Jesus Christ. I know that my Redeemer lives. I testify that He lived, suffered, and died for us, because He loves us. Something I know more than anything is that He loves us. Oh how He loves us! And not just some of us, but ALL of us! I know that the Atonement WORKS. I know that Jesus Christ is the very Son of God, and that He will stand with us before God the Father in our defense if we do all of our part now. I also know that our Heavenly Father loves us...so, so much. He loved us enough to sacrifice His most perfect Child, all so that we could have the chance to return to live in His presence. He wants us to come back to Him. Christ did not come to the world to condemn us, or anyone, but He came to give each of us the opportunity to have salvation. I know that as we go to Him, we can be healed. And I eagerly await for Him to come again.

I say all of these things, in His sacred and holy name, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Running Faster Than Your Strength

So, the other day it was raining, and the temptation was too strong to resist, and I laced up my running shoes and went for a jog in it. I absolutely love running in the rain. Not caring how I look to other people. Just me and the cool rain beating down on my arms and face and soaking my shirt and hair. Running is when I can think the clearest and just run all those bad feelings out of me.

However, I have this really unfortunate chronic disease called asthma. If you don't have asthma, try strangling yourself for about ten minutes or so, or put something down your throat to block 80% of the oxygen flow, and that's a lot of what it's like. And aerobic exercise induces it for me. I was getting so involved in my jog though, and so determined to give it my all, and since most noise was drowned out by the splashing rain, I didn't notice how bad my asthma was until I'd returned home and shut the door. I pretty much had to crawl up the stairs to get the meds I needed, and since I'm out of rescue inhalers, spent the next 10 minutes sucking gaseous medication out of a nebulizer.

While in this state of a mild asthma attack, I realized that what I had just done was a lot like what I do in regards to depression. I run run run, go go go, and tell myself I can do it, I drown out the warning signs until the anxiety and depression get worse, and work myself until I nearly have a mental and/or emotional breakdown. This was especially true on the mission, where breaks were limited to 8 hours of a P-day on Mondays...and that's it, and the rest of the week you worked your tail off. At least, if we had tails, they would have been worked off. There was so much pressure from all sorts of places, and I worked worked worked until I pretty much barely functioned, and when I got home my mental capacities went into complete shut-down mode. Now that I'm back in school, I find myself doing the same thing--work work work, telling myself I can do it, that I should do (or else I'll be a disappointment, or for whatever reason), until I'm so stressed that even writing a 1-page paper takes four hours.

While making this connection, the scripture came to mind from Mosiah 4:27:

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster that he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."

I realized that God does not expect me to do more than I can. Stretch myself, yes, but to understand my limits. Not everyone can run at the same pace--some lucky people are olympic racers, some people do marathons with or without ease, some people like me, an asthmatic, are lucky to do a 5k, and some people don't even have legs. God understands our weaknesses. He even gives us some of them.

"...I give unto men weakness that they may be humble." Ether 12:27

It would be unrealistic to expect a wheelchair-bound individual to compete in an olympic race. But let me get this straight too--a wheelchair-bound person would never ever ever be considered less of a person to God than the gold-medalist. We have different capacities. And we need to be gentle with ourselves. Take a break when you need to. Find out what works for you. Maybe meditation or yoga is a good stress-reliever. Maybe running. Perhaps creating. Maybe sleeping for awhile. Or treating yourself to something. Yes, we should stretch ourselves. But everyone knows that a rubber band stretched too far will eventually snap and break. Be aware of warning signs, especially when you start to feel those dark feelings creeping in. Try to stop them before they get too far. But you need to figure out what works for you--I can't do that for you.

The Ether 12: 27 scripture offers so much hope. Here's the whole verse:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."


WOW. First off, God loves us enough to give us weaknesses...to be humble... but why???? Why is that necessary??? Well, the opposition of humility is PRIDE. Pride is what destroyed the whole Nephite AND Jaredite nations from the Book of Mormon...and countless others from the Bible. Yikes. So, weaknesses are a good thing. But remember that humility does not mean beating yourself up and telling yourself how worthless you are. Ew. No. NOOO!! Humility is recognizing where your true strength lies: in the Lord. And it means giving credit where credit is due. Which is usually to the Lord since it is through Him that all things are possible and He is the only reason why we are actually able to overcome our trials, including that whole death and mortal existence part. Humility is understanding your relationship with God and with Jesus Christ.

Second, His grace is sufficient. What a relief, and what hope that brings. His grace is enough to help us. We don't always feel it in those dark moments, but He is there...because He knows EXACTLY what you've felt. You don't need to work yourself to death and feel like you will never be good enough...His grace is enough to fill what you cannot reach.

Thirdly, He "will make weak things become strong unto [us]." Woah. You mean, mental illness can be a strength....???? You're probably thinking something like, "No, I'm an exception" or "Yeah right, this chick has no idea what she's talking about" or "How the heck can what I have be a STRENGTH to me???"  But I didn't make that scripture up. That is straight out of God's mouth. You have probably gained some incredible skills and strengths through your weaknesses. But once again, you will have to do some soul-searching and discover them yourself...and get on your knees and ask Heavenly Father to help reveal them to you. That is a huge promise at the end of that verse of scripture. And I know that God keeps His promises. He says that over and over--He always keeps His end of the deal. Otherwise He would cease to be God. And then we would cease to be. Which means, God is still keeping His promises. Including to YOU. You are not an exception.

Summary: Be kind to yourself and understand your limits and give yourself some little breaks if you need to. Olympic runners didn't become champions overnight...it took a lot of practice...and even they had to learn to walk once too. And know that your weaknesses are molding you into a better person and can become a strength.

Stop Being Hard on Yourself: You're Better Than You Think

Gosh, we are so crazy hard on ourselves sometimes. Or all the time. If only we were as "with-it" as so-and-so, or got better grades, or worked harder, or had this talent or that, or was as righteous as the RS or EQ president, or hadn't committed that terrible sin or blunder, or said that stupid thing, or didn't have this certain flaw...

Well.....then what?

Well, then--guess what--you'd still be imperfect!!!!! And you know what, that's okay. In fact, I want you to repeat this to yourself: It's okay that I'm not perfect. Say it until you believe it. God did not send you here expecting you to be perfect. That's why we have a Savior. To make up for what we lack. Sometimes we feel like it's all up to our works to save us, but we forget that grace is involved too. Grace and works. We need them both. But that's a whole other topic.

But you know what, despite however many imperfections you have, you have so many strengths. Some of you may be thinking, "No. Really. I don't. I've tried looking for them, and I have no talents. No skills. I can't draw. Or sing. Or write. Or handle a ball. I can barely even tie my shoes. I am completely talentless."

If that's what you're thinking, shut up. Not you, but the voice in your head telling you that. That's a load of crap. You do have talents, you're just so used to that voice telling you how talentless you are that you don't want to believe you have talents. Yeah, that's right. Maybe you're afraid of knowing that--oh my gosh--you were blessed with gifts. You have skills that other people don't have (but don't compare...that's unhealthy too.)

Let me name one skill you have right now: you are a fighter. I don't mean like those scary butch muscular chicks or dudes in a wrestling rink that I hope to never run into on the street.

I mean emotionally, you are a fighter! Look how far you've made it! I especially refer to those of you who suffer from mental illness, who have reached that point of suffering where you just wanted to throw in the towel and give up. But you didn't!!! It may have meant suffering through another hellish night of loneliness, pain, fears, or anxieties...but you didn't give up!!! You have so much more strength in you than you realize.

In one of my psychology classes, I was disturbed to learn that 10% of those who suffer from major depression successfully commit suicide.

DON'T BECOME A PART OF THAT STATISTIC.

You are stronger than you realize. Be easier on yourself. It's okay to take a "mental health day" and not be Wonderwoman or Superman for a day. Stay in bed til 2 in the afternoon if you need to. (I'll admit to doing that one. Just don't do it often or it becomes self-destructive.) Go buy yourself ice cream for no reason at all. Play a video game. Look up funny youtube videos for an hour or two. Even Olympians need some rest. And you are an Mental Olympian CHAMP. So, cut yourself some slack and start telling yourself some positive things for a change. Tell yourself how wonderful you are. Write down a list even. I do that a lot actually...and it helps! Maybe you're really good at making people laugh or have a good smile. Maybe you have memorized the first 50 digits of pi. Maybe you dressed super fashionably today. Maybe you are talented at sleeping through bomb-like noises. Perhaps you have pretty hands or feet or some other desirable body feature. Perhaps you have excellent taste in sci-fi literature. Maybe you know how to speak the languages of Star Wars. Maybe babies adore you for no apparent reason at all. Perhaps you are very sensitive to people's needs. Maybe you cook really well. Or maybe you're really good at starting kitchen fires. The list is endless. But seriously, make a tangible list if you have to. I mean really, even dirt has skills. It makes plants grow and is really fun to play in. If you've got toe fungus then you make plants grow too!...hehe. :D You've got skills. I promise. And I mean more than harboring plant life on your epidermis. Take the effort to find them out. I think you'll be surprised.

Just realize how strong you are. Mental illness is not a sign of weakness. In fact, I truly believe it makes you stronger. I mentioned in another post how it is an opportunity to master yourself. I see where I am sometimes and feel so frustrated that I'm not the person I want to be...and then I step back and see where I've been and realize how much I've grown. I can honestly say that having depression has made me a better person in a lot of ways. That doesn't mean I want it. That doesn't mean it still isn't so hard sometimes that I'm too depressed to even cry out the indescribable pain I feel. But I can say I've grown from it. And I look back on my mission and think, "Holy smokes. I can't believe I made it so long. I can do anything!! I am a fighter!!!"

And so are you.

Poem

One of my good friends wrote this beautiful poem that pretty much expresses how I feel. This is posted with her permission. 




As a child, small, perfect...not understanding there 
could be imperfection...
I just was.
No words to explain or make okay...
I just naturally loved-no holding back or building walls.
Exploring this beautiful
                              amazing
                                       world..
Even more fun with a friend.
    who was also perfect just as.
Time meant NOW.
Was or Would be, didn't matter.
Joy hugged me and I didn't even know it.
 
Then....I ate the fruit.
Everything changed..
I learned about imperfection...and felt holes forming inside of me.
Shame
Guilt
Fear, un-ease...messed up ideas of time-
stress...
Competition was introduced...
a Winner, a Loser.
Lables
Deep sadness...depression.
New words to try to understand.
Boxing myself up.
Trying to be what I should, a new idea.
a new me-so you will like me or think I am enough-
and maybe your love will take me back to perfect acceptance.
Exploring again.
I so miss that!
 
Restoration.
Hope.
Love.
A way to believe I am clean when I feel so dirty.
Atonement....
offered by He who is also Love and Creator
Can His blood perfect even me
-a sinner, 
a time waster,
a person full of holes?
 
His grace....magical, perfect grace--
Wraps me in humility
a desire to forgive
so clearly seeing that I have been forgiven...
 
becoming childlike again in this grown up body...
pleading for my heart to become one with His so I
too can spill out grace and charity.
 
He's helping me....and
he's perfectly patient....
 
--Becky Goodwin  April 17, 2011

A Heartwarming Example of Making Lemonade Out of Lemons

Okay, let's get real--there is almost nothing cuter and smile-inducing as a baby laughing. In this particular video, the dad had ripped up a job-rejection letter, which made his baby laugh hysterically. You may have seen this video already, but I thought it was appropriate for this blog.  :)

Finding Joy in the Little Things

A few months ago, when I was still in my home ward, the Relief Society had an activity in which we all received a little journal, called the "gratitude journal." Each day we were to record 5 things we were grateful for that day, and we were never allowed to repeat anything from a previous day. The first couple days obvious things are written down, like family, but we quickly saw that we'd have to be creative. I haven't been perfect with it, but it sure has been fun to notice the little things that happen that I am grateful for. I think this is a great exercise for people that feel down--go buy a little notebook and start doing it too! I think you'll be surprised. You are encouraged to doodle, expound on the 5 things, put in clippings, quotes, etc in the book....just make it personal!

Here are some of the things I have put in my book:

• friends who care
• family
• my own computer
• access to a car
• my art talents
• getting my scripture reading done earlier
• sleeping in
• an excuse to "gussy up"
• home food from Mom
• finding old clothes that I love
• reminiscing about my childhood
• Christmas shopping with my brother (he convinced me to buy a toilet seat for a white elephant gift exchange...it was hilarious)
• ward choir
• Institute
• blogging
• rain
• good in-laws
• sushi
• playing with niece and nephews
• the magic a 3-year old brings at Christmastime
• dates (good ones!)
• good root beer
• cake batter ice cream
• safe traveling
• the snow
• Icee's
• conversations about art
• top ramen
• chocolate-covered pretzels
• a successful first week of school
• getting lost with Reba
• crepes
• compliments from boys
• talking in Spanish for 2 hours with a native speaker while doing service at DI
• roommate bonding
• dropping a bad class and signing up for a better one (best decision I made this semester)
• dropping a pants size!!
• acing a quiz even though I did the wrong reading
• getting my paper done and turned in
• not having a quiz in Classroom Management today!
• a blind date that actually wasn't awkward
• making myself a real dinner
• getting my temple recommend
• success in teaching Sunday School!
• watching "The Bachelor" with Maegan
• leftovers
• becoming friends with the guy at the front desk of the CCC
• getting my paper done despite bad anxiety
• warmer weather
• safety
• being able to eat after being sick for so long
• goal setting
• being able to kiss and hold hands again
• strawberry milk
• finishing the 5k and doing it with siblings
• receiving revelation
• string cheese
• awesome home teachers
• meeting my visiting teacher
• meeting a fun person in class, making the time go by so much faster
• fun April Fool's pranks
• my mission president and his wife
• healing
• board games
• a living prophet and apostles
• and countless names of people...chances are, if we've hung out, you've made it in my journal. :)

"In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy."

Do I Matter?

I think as humans we all feel the need to matter. And I mean more than just feel loved. I think we all know that there are people that love us a lot--parents, siblings, friends, relatives... one really doesn't have to look too far before realizing that yes, there are people that care.

However, for me that is not enough. I want to make a difference.  I want to know that my little life has made an impact for good during my relatively short time here on earth. I want to know that there really is some kind of mission for me here during my life. And I know that I can't save the world or help everybody, but I just want to know that I have made a positive impact somewhere that would not have happened without me. I think that's another reason why I have this blog...I hope that it makes a difference to someone somewhere.

I think we make more of a positive impact than we realize. I don't think we'll really know all of the positive influences we have spread until after this life. I didn't realize that me doing even something as little as saying my prayers had any kind of effect on anyone until my younger sister told me that my example had led her to establish a habit of saying her prayers as well.

I love the movie "It's a Wonderful Life." I always wished I could have that experience that Jimmy Stewart did, to see what life would have been like had he never been born. Sometimes I'm scared though and wonder if nothing would have changed had I not existed. But that would be impossible. We have a huge impact on others.

I want to relate an experience with you, in which I felt I was told of the impact I had made, as well as the impact someone else had on me:

Before my mission, I worked as a cashier at the Creamery on Ninth. I was at the bottom of the totem pole--a 20-21-year old dealing with mostly freshman at a job that any high schooler could have easily done. But I loved my co-workers. There was one guy, Mike, that was particularly a light-shiner. He had been one of the stockers and recently had been promoted to be a supervisor. He was always laughing and happy, and always asked everyone, "Are you happy today?" You just couldn't help but smile when you were around Mike. At the time of this story, he had been married for about a month, was 22 (I think), and made working a boring job so much more tolerable, and even enjoyable.

One day, he happened to be supervising my shift, which only happened about once every 3 weeks. I was counting out my register drawer at the end of my shift when Mike said, "Angela, I just want to thank you for working here. With all the new people that are starting here, it's really nice to have someone that knows what they're doing." I was really flattered, and surprised. The compliment really meant a lot to me. It wasn't meant as a put-down to the newbies by any means, but was a sincere and out-of-the-blue compliment to my competence.

The next week, to the absolute shock of everyone, Mike was killed in a car accident. Just like that.

That was the first time in my life that I questioned God's motives. I could not understand why He would take away someone so good, so needed, so young...barely married... I found out the day after the accident, and had to go to work that night, where I greeted my coworkers whose red, swollen eyes matched mine. I remember at one point I had to leave the register and I disappeared into the milk refrigerator to "stock milk" and squatted down to the floor and just sobbed my eyes out. I felt a grief like I had never known.

That night when I got home, I begged God to help me understand why such a horrible thing would have to happen, but as I received no answers, I slowly changed my request, and instead of pleading for understanding, began to plead for peace. When I awoke the next morning--the day of the funeral--I felt such an amazing feeling of peace. I knew that even though I didn't understand the situation, I knew that everything was okay, that Mike was okay, and that God was in control. It was one of the strongest personal moments of the Atonement healing me that I have ever felt.

So many people were at the funeral. It was clear that Mike had left an impact on so many people...so many people that there were not enough seats for everyone.

I miss Mike still. But my experience with the whole situation, as undesirable as it was, taught me of the impact that we have on one another. He had made my life happier, and I guess I had made some kind of small impact in his. So, the point I'm trying to make is, even though you might not recognize it, you do make a positive difference, somehow, some way. You do have a mission to perform during your life. Keep up your fight. It is not in vain.

                                                     Michael Hess with his wife. Miss you.

25 before 25: keeping life fun

So, the other day I was bemoaning my life as a lonely, single, depressed young college student and needed something to get me a little more excited about life. So, I decided to put some fun and realistic goals to get me pumped. It's my "25 befor e 25" list--25 things to accomplish before I turn 25. The goals can be accomplished whether I'm still single or not, whether I'm in school or not, or whatever. Awesome.I also have a bucket list, but I'll save that for another time. I'm posting this so as to inspire some other soul, and if you do copy the idea, adjust the numbers and goals to fit you.

Here goes:

1. make a religious art piece
2. kiss someone in the falling snow
3. learn a song on the violin
4. run a 10k
5. learn how to French braid (I can sort of do it, but it needs some mastering)
6. make a sculpture out of chocolate
7. read The Count of Monte Cristo
8. Read Dracula
9. learn to drive stick shift
10. enter an art contest
11. visit 5 temples I've never been to and do an endowment session in each one
12. relearn some Italian
13. learn basic Portuguese conversation
14. reread the Book of Mormon in Spanish
15. watch all of the original Star Wars movies
16. do 10 push-ups without using my knees
17. read the New Testament
18. volunteer 15 hours (not for any class or outside requirements)
19. paint an oil painting
20. compose at least 1 song on the piano
21. finish a game Monopoly
22. watch all of the old Pride and Prejudice film
23. read 1 Jane Austin book (yes, surprisingly I have never read one)
24. learn a classical piece on the piano
25. sew a bag or skirt

Be Still and Know That I am God

My older sister introduced this song to me. So beautiful. And let's us know that God is with us in our trials.

Funny Video on Mental Disorders

We were shown this video in my Abnormal Psychology class, and I thought it was hilarious. I think with trials it's healthy to learn to laugh about aspects of it. So, hope you enjoy it!

Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be...

We were shown this at a zone conference on my mission and it deeply touched me. This song has become my favorite hymn, as it reflects my own feelings toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior.

So, exactly how much are you worth?

Low feelings of self worth seem to come right along with depression, like an undesired parasitical twin to an already gruesome monster. For months I asked myself, "What gives me worth?" I knew I had lots of talents, that plenty of people cared about me, that I had probably even made some kind of small difference in the life of someone else. And yet, I still felt worthless. I felt no purpose in life. I felt like God, with all of His billions of other wonderful children and countless tasks more important than bothering about me, surely could have no reason to care about me. I saw nothing that mattered about myself.

I struggled with this question until a certain lecture was presented in my Human Development course. The teacher, Larry Nelson, explained that as a child grows, or rather, as we grow, we base our worth on how others view us. For example, we say a joke and people laugh, so we determine we are funny. We say a joke that is greeted by silence, and we determine that we are not funny, and also not wanted maybe. I had never made this connection before. It was fascinating, especially as I still had this burning question of what really gave me worth. Clearly, basing my worth on others' expectations or remarks or reactions or how we felt they viewed me was an imperfect system. But it's the only system that most of us know.

When the lecture ended, I approached my professor, and after introducing myself asked him, "So, what does give us worth?" His answer was so obvious. "It is based on what God thinks of us. On His love for us. You see, your worth isn't based on a GPA or any other factors. Our worth comes from God's love for us." Wooooah. So, basically, by the mere fact that God loves me, I have worth. And a lot of it. It doesn't matter how good or terrible my grades are, if I'm unemployed or working my dream job, if I had 0 baptisms or 100, if I had lots of friends or none, many talents or klutzier than Wile E. Coyote...I have lots of worth. Because God still loves me. His love, unlike mine, is limitless...which means, my worth is also limitless. Holy smokes.

That put things in the proper perspective for me. I think this is why conceited people also drive me absolutely crazy--because they measure their worth by comparing it with those around them. I have a friend who literally almost every time I am with, will say something like, "I did great on my test--I did better than 95% of the class!" or "Well...I got a B+....it was terrible...but I still had one of the top three grades" or "I realize how attractive I am because all these girls are swarming around me!" As if all those things made him have more worth. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. Thank GOODNESS our worth isn't based on things like that...it is not based on being better than the next person in some area. If that were the case, then a lot of people are screwed over, like the ones born with mental handicaps, physical disabilities, or into a place where education and career opportunities are severely limited. We ALL are worth so much, simply because we are the children of celestial parents who infinitely love us.


So, how much are you worth? 


Infinitely. 

Beautiful Things Come From Fiery Trials

You know, it could be how Van Gogh created so many masterpieces, but my best, most inspired pieces did not come out of happy-go-lucky sparks of insight, but were created out of the depths of low bouts of depression. Whether it was to express how I felt, or to have an outlet, those darker moments were turned into something rather beautiful. For example, today I was starting to feel really down. So you know what I did? I cooked myself the best dang crab alfredo I've ever tasted in my life. Just eating it makes me wanna dance.
  So, I thought I'd post some of the work I've created during my low moments. Most of these pieces are some of my most favorites I've ever done. Basically, I hope that you can also find the beautiful, majestic, even sacred things that come from trials.

 collage, photoshop

 acrylic

 lithography print

 ink, conte crayon, charcoal

I tried to download a song I composed as well...but my computer is having issues. So, if you're interested, go to my other blog: loveeverysandwich.blogspot.com, go to the month of February, and go to the post called "Creating."

~hugs~

President Uchtdorf's Talk

Here's the talk from the post previously mentioned. It's a great self-esteem booster!

Depression: An Opportunity to Master Yourself/Finding Ways to Cope

I find myself in this constant struggle of finding ways to keep my depression at bay, or at least discovering methods that work to tone it down when a bout comes around. Let's get real, depression knows how to fight you, and it knows how to attack the weakest parts of you. But guess what, you can fight it back! Depression has taught me just how much of a fighter I really am. In my Abnormal Psychology course at BYU, one girl shared how her brother struggles with Bipolar disorder, and she said something that really struck me: "I have often wonder why he has to struggle with bipolar [disorder], and I think it is so that he can have the opportunity to master himself." Wow! What an optimistic perspective about mental disorders.

Depression is the opportunity to truly master yourself.

And I really feel that I am learning how to do that...more than I have learned from any other experience. What a blessing in disguise. I want to share a couple things that have worked for me in dealing with those daily aches, in hopes that maybe something can work for you. Of course, each person is unique, so different things will work for different people. The main thing is to just be determined enough to discover them.

1) Exercise. Okay, honestly, I avoided exercise like the plague growing up. I have bad asthma, and recently have developed an additional lung problem that makes my chest hurt after exercise. The last time I was on any kind of sports team was when I was ten and did swimming. Put me and a ball within the same vicinity and that ball will almost always be magnetically driven to my face. Oh, and have I mentioned I'm really klutzy? Yeah, basically I would have rather cleaned toilets all day than exercise.
   However, my friend recommended it, saying how it had saved her from her depression. So, I gave in, bought some exercise pants, and started jogging/walking a little. Hooooly smokes she wasn't kidding! Endorphins are seriously happy drugs. I don't exactly feel fantastic while exercising, but afterwards I feel INCREDIBLE. Seriously. Try it. Even if it's just lifting weights, or looking up zumba youtube videos. Find something that works for you. Best. Thing. Ever. And it's been wonderful to feel my body transform and become healthy...for the first time in my life.

2) Creating. Remember President Uchtdorf's talk on creating in that one Relief Society Meeting? It's wonderful. He talked about how we all have the need to create. Whether it's something artsy, or a garden, or creating a beautiful space. For me, I have taken up violin lessons, am mastering my piano skills, love photography, draw, and my newest thing--blogging. So, the secret's out--I blog because it helps me feel better. In fact, I have TWO blogs! One is this one (obviously) and another one that focuses on humor and basically just documents the embarrassing and funny events of my life (loveeverysandwich.blogspot.com...in case you're interested.) Sometimes the urge to create is the only thing motivating enough for me to pull my body out of bed. It has become a healthy way for me to control feelings of depression, as well as anxiety. It calms my nerves. And feels so gratifying! There's nothing quite like expanding your talents.


Don't give up. Find what works for you. If one thing doesn't work, don't give up. Keep exploring. You're on a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. And above everything, be easy on yourself. Remember, you are loved!

A Beautiful Video taken from a BYU devotional

A friend showed this to me, and I thought it was so beautiful. I found myself taking notes...and then realized I was writing EVERYTHING down. Hope you enjoy it!

Mistakes vs. Sins...yes, they are different

I find myself often beating myself up mercilessly for mistakes I make. I think we often do that. We often fail to recognize that a mistake is different from a sin. I think it would be safe to say that all sins are mistakes, but not all mistakes are sins. The trick is learning to recognize which is which. A sin is when we do something that we know God has told us not to do. A mistake is a little harder to define, but essentially is doing something that we shouldn't do, but doesn't necessarily constitute a sin--the main difference is, is that they weren't intentional. Mistakes do need to be fixed, but they don't need to be repented of.

Examples:

sin: stealing
mistake: confusing your roommate's food for your own and eating it

sin: lying
mistake: getting lost on the way to your destination (I do this one all the time...)

sin: gossiping
mistake: forgetting to call a loved one for their birthday

I think you get the idea. It's actually not too hard to recognize a sin vs. a mistake. But too often we treat our mistakes as sins. DON'T DO THAT!!!! BAD IDEA!!!!! And you might be saying, "But I should! I goofed up!!! It was a bad thing!!!" To which I say, "And who exactly is expecting you to be perfect?" We are human, my dears. As sad as it is, we will never never never be perfect in this life. That means that we will sin all the time, and we'll make lots and lots of mistakes. Sins, yes, we need to fix those (with the help of the Savior), but when we make mistakes, the best we can do is learn from it, laugh at it, and move on. Mourn it for a little if you have to, but accept yourself as a human, just like everyone else, who has made mistakes, and yes, will continue to make them. And that is okay. 

The worst kind of abuse is self-abuse. Be kinder to yourself. Fortunately, you will not find any commandment that says, "Thou shalt not make mistakes, ever." God knows that we will make mistakes. He knows that we will sin as well, but I'll leave that topic for another time. Learn from your mistakes. Fix them if you can. But don't beat yourself up about them.

Those who know me know that I have not been blessed with the gift of gracefulness. I trip over my own feet, it's a miracle if I make it through a date without getting food on my lap, in my hair, or on my forehead, and if I laugh too hard, I will straight up pee my pants. And you know what, I have learned to simply laugh at those moments and use them to my advantage when trying to outdo people when recounting our most embarrassing moments. Frankly, life would be pretty boring without mistakes! They are how we learn. Mistakes are often a good thing. Yes, some mistakes are a lot worse than others. But learn to be kind to yourself. Assess how big of a mistake it was, and if it really has just created an inconvenience, or hasn't created unfixable damage, move on.

Let's take an extreme example of a mistake. I'm grateful this has never happened to me, but it has happened to someone. Let's say you are driving in "autopilot" mode, you make a quick left-hand turn...and fail to see the child crossing the street. First off, I hope you would feel bad, because if you didn't feel bad initially, then you probably could be considered a sociopath and have issues worse than depression to work on. Okay, let's mentally go through the situation--you feel awful, you have hit a child, you don't know if they'll make it, it's your fault.... Let's be honest, it will probably take awhile to forgive yourself. That's okay too. That's normal. Congratulations--you are normal!!! But, here is where you need to give yourself a break--you did not intentionally hit that child. Had you seen him or her, you would probably would have screeched to a stop or swerved out of the way. Yes, you made a mistake, but do not confuse it with a sin. Sins require repentance and a change of heart and lifestyle. Mistakes require reflection and learning and appropriate application. So, learn from this--be more alert while driving. Don't drive for awhile if it's going to be traumatic for you. Help out the child as appropriate, as well as their family. But learn to forgive yourself...you didn't mean to do it.

Here's essentially what I'm trying to at--learn to be kinder to yourself. Don't guilt yourself over and over again for things that you didn't mean to do. I will repeat again--the worse kind of abuse is self-abuse. That is a mistake that you should fix. And you can. Your Father in Heaven loves you so much. I think He is so sad when He sees how much we emotionally abuse ourselves for the mistakes we make, especially those little mistakes that don't even matter. And with those big mistakes, well, guess what, the Atonement covers those things. As in, through Jesus Christ, you can receive the healing that you need. It will probably take time. I think that's how the Lord would have it be so that we could learn all that He would have us learn. So we can become more like Him. Yes, that's right--despite all the stupid mistakes you've made, you can become like Christ. Isn't that the end goal anyway? To become more like our Savior? It is. And even through our mistakes, and our sins, we can overcome them through the Atonement and become perfected through Christ.

That is probably some of the best news I've heard.

"God, why me?" Part 2: Feeling God's Love Again

  Now I want to revert back to the theme of feeling God's love. From the last post you will remember that I stopped believing that God loved me. From what I have heard, this is not a unique experience, especially for missionaries who suffer from depression. The thing was, I knew I'd been told my whole life that God loved me, and I could remember experiences feeling His love, and in my mind I knew that He did, and I wanted to hope that He did, but I could not feel it. My heart refused to feel it. I lost almost all sense of self-worth.
   However, I am finding that the Atonement provides healing. I want to share how I've been able to feel that love again, or at least recognize it, in hopes that someone who has been feeling the same can find that same healing and love that is so essential to feel.
   The first was through Priesthood Blessings. Remember that, up until the very end of my mission, I did not know it was depression that was making me feel so down. In one of my interviews with my loving mission president, I expressed how I still was having a hard time getting excited about the work and feeling happy. I asked him if he would give me a blessing, and he said he would be honored to. I don't remember everything he said, but I do remember clearly one thing that always stuck to me: to dispel the discouraging thoughts I was having--they are of the Adversary. So, all those bad thoughts of my self-worth were just deceptive lies thrown on me by Satan. God never ever would discourage us. But oh, how the devil will.
   A couple of transfers later, I found myself at another low. I was training for the first time, was senior companion for the first time, our area was notorious for being one of the worst areas and the branch hadn't seen progress for 20 years. Yes, I was discouraged. My new mission president suggested I get a blessing from my district or zone leader. So when reporting my numbers one night, when Elder Lapeira from Columbia asked if they could do anything for us, I made my request. He seemed surprised, but more than willing. So the next day, after district meeting, we went to a spare room so I could have a blessing. However, since he did not speak any English, it was determined that his companion, Elder Anderson would do it. Elder Anderson was only on his second transfer in the field, and had never given a blessing of comfort before. It was the shortest blessing I've probably received. But it was one of the most powerful. That humble, new Elder said everything that my heart had been aching so much to know
    "Your Heavenly Father is aware of you and your diligence...Your Heavenly Father is so proud of you...Sister Henderson, your Heavenly Father loves you so much. He wants you to feel His love..."
   The tears could not be held back. God was aware of me. And not just that, God was proud of me? Really?? He knew how hard I was working...and He was proud. That right there lifted a huge burden, for I had felt all those months that God had been disappointed in me. And He loved me and wanted me to feel it. I realized that maybe why I couldn't feel it, wasn't because Heavenly Father was withholding it from me, but because I was blocking it. Looking back, I don't think I knew how to let it in. There are still many days where I don't know how. A barrier of doubt blocks it... but as I am learning to just hope that God loves me, the barrier slowly is pulled down, brick by brick, until the hope becomes belief.
     Another huge influence in feeling God's love again has been through reading the Book of Mormon. Over and over and over again, the Savior demonstrated His unconditional love. Unconditional. That word means "without conditions." As in, no matter how badly I screw things up, how much I even sin, how far I stray, how many bad feelings I hold....Christ still loves me. Whether I baptize 0 or 100, get a 2.0 GPA or 4.0...whether I go to college or just am able to work a part-time job or am unemployed.... whether I have many talents or don't seem to have any....He still loves me. And He still loves you. WOW. That is a lot of love. He emphasizes over and over in the scriptures how His arm "is stretched out still"...as in, even when we are messing up royally....He is still reaching His hand out to us in mercy, calling us back to Him, hoping we will come.
    A few days ago, in my reading, I reached 3 Nephi 17. That chapter has never been so powerful to me. As I read it, I could just feel the Savior's love pouring out for those Nephites. And the thought came, "He loves me that way too." He loves all of us that way. Wow. He prayed for them, blessed them, wept for them, and even thanked His Father for them. He loves us so much. And the Savior's mission was to do the will of His Father. Which means that our Heavenly Father loves us that much too. And although we do not talk about her, I have no doubts that our Heavenly Mother loves us that much too. That makes three people who infinitely love us. How incredible is that????
   So, on days when you don't feel that love, when you feel alone despite everyone telling you you're not...just start with hoping to believe that God loves you. I testify that He does. I know that He does. Because I have felt it. Not as much as I have wanted to...but through working at overcoming this obstacle of depression, I have had moments of reassuring peace and a feeling of heavenly love touch me. Sometimes just a little, and sometimes overwhelmingly so. I challenge you to seek that love for yourself.

"God, why me?"....part 1: What I have gained from depression.

   When my depression hits those lowest points, I have often wondered, "God, why? Why me??? Why do I have to suffer like this????" Unfortunately, I do not know the answer to that question. I wonder if maybe I could not have learned certain lessons or attributes without it. That's a depressing thought in itself--I hope I am a good enough person to gain those insights without depression, but whether or not that is the reason, I look back and see how much I have grown from this experience.
     I was diagnosed with mild depression when I was about 20. I saw a counselor, and that seemed to be just what I needed. Then I had this crazy idea of going on a mission! And a little over a year later, I entered the Missionary Training Center, where a name tag was placed on me, and I became a representative of Jesus Christ.
   I gained so much from my mission...but it was hard. It was in this setting, in the rigors of trying to become the "perfect" missionary, bending over backwards trying to reach daily goals, being told that if I just had enough faith and worked hard enough, I could baptize every week...it was here that my depression took its toll. I did not baptize every week. Not even close. My depression slowly worsened as I began to feel more and more that the failures I experienced as a missionary were all my fault. I began each morning pleading to God for guidance, for more motivation, and through my scripture studies I usually got the zeal worked up to tackle another day. This day I would do it--we'd reach our goals, we'd find someone God had prepared, and we'd reach our baptism goals. Right?? I had the faith, and we worked our butts off. But more often than not, goals were not reached, our "golden" investigators hid from us, our converts went inactive, and the baptisms rarely, if ever, came. I ended each day dejected, worn out, and wondering why in the world God had ever wanted me to be a missionary only to come and fail.
    But I had been told over and over in the MTC, at Zone Conferences, and in fuzzy feel-good stories over the pulpit in Sacrament meeting that enough faith would produce miracles, and that our mission had the goal to baptize every week because it was what God believed we could do. So when those baptisms didn't come, I looked in the mirror and saw failure. Slowly, I began to feel ashamed of myself. And ever so sneakily, Satan placed a terrible thought in my mind, that unfortunately, I believed. The thought was: you do not deserve God's love. I tried to keep that thought out...but over and over it went through my mind, and I began to really, truly believe that God did not love me. That I was too worthless of a missionary for Him to love, and when I could learn how to do things right, then, and only then, would He love me. I stopped feeling His love.
    I want you to think for a moment, if you have never experienced this, what it would be like to truly believe that God does not love you. The belief in God's love for me had kept me going my whole life. Growing up, I had believed that God loved me more than I knew, and that He had a plan for me, and that everything would work out. But when that belief was gone, a desperation consumed me. I wanted to deserve God's love. I wanted it so badly that I would do anything and everything required of me to earn it. I studied the languages (yes, plural) like crazy, I tried to be extra efficient in planning, I was determined to be 100% obedient at all costs, I worked on my teaching skills over and over, I prayed and pleaded, and spent my lunch hours studying more, or reading articles from the Liahona to inspire me to keep working. However, the results did not change, despite everything.
     But....I changed.
    I became a master teacher. So much so, that my good hermana friend told me that the Elders were intimidated to teach with me during practices. My investigators listened. They did not usually accept the commitments we extended, but they always listened. More than that, I learned what compassion really was. I began to understand more the pain felt by my investigators and fellow missionaries, because I was going through so much of it myself. And because I was so desperate for good things to happen, I became way more sensitive to such occurrences and began to be pushed along by the little miracles that made my day. I still felt emotionally "off" though, and once I was re-diagnosed with depression, my mission took a downward spiral. But I finished what the Lord would have had me do, even if it wasn't everything I had hoped to do.
     Post mission, I still find myself more sensitive to the good things that happen in the day, or at least in recognizing them. I can connect to so many more people than I could before--people I normally would have judged, but now see as people with weaknesses just like me who maybe just need a little help. I have been called to be one of the Sunday School teachers in my new ward, and it as become my favorite calling. I attribute my teaching skills to those which were honed during my lowest points of despair, when I was desperate to become more than the nobody I thought I was.
    I also met wonderful people who have changed my life, that I would not have met without depression. After I returned and was still suffering, I was connected to a woman online who happened to serve in my mission years earlier with depression. I wouldn't trade our the wonderful friendship we have for anything. We have been able to help, support, and learn from each other in ways I have not experienced in any other friendship.
   I realize that the skills I gained are probably not the same as someone else who is living with depression. But I would like to challenge you to see the blessings in your life, the skills that you have developed, and the wonderful associations you have made because of this "fiery trial" you live with. I promise that if you search for them, you will find them.

Myths About Depression

There are so many misconceptions about depression, and I hope to dispel them. There are more, but I'll post what I can think of first.

1) Depression is caused by sin.
   Many believe that those who have depression must have committed some serious transgression, and if they repent, than they will no longer be depressed. Granted, sinning definitely does not help with dealing with depression, but it is NOT the cause. Depression is a mental illness. One does not choose it, or receive it as a bad consequence of actions (usually). The most righteous of persons may still suffer from depression, and many do.

2) Just snap out of it! Happiness is a choice!
   This is often the frustrated reaction of those who hear about one who has depression. Yes, happiness is a choice...but only to an extent. If one could just "snap out of" depression, it would not be so prevalent. Who would ever choose depression?? Doing something that makes me happy sometimes provides a temporary relief, like a hot pack to an achy muscle, but the ache is still there.

3) Just pray to God, and He'll take it away.
    This is the myth I am told the most by people that I go to for help. I have lost track of the hundreds of prayers I have pleaded, how many tears I have brought to the Lord, begging for Him to take away my pain, only to feel no relief. Some of you may be thinking that it must be because I lack faith. I testify before God and man that I know with a surety that God does answer prayers, and that the Atonement does cover all things. But depression cannot be prayed away. Just as terminal illness cannot be prayed away. There have been brief moments of relief in answer to my pleadings, but the depression still is there.

4) This has 2 parts: You're on meds to be happy??? That is not God's way!
and/or:  You see a counselor? Only really messed up people see counselors.
 Part 1:  This myth is so upsetting to me. Would you ever tell a cancer patient that chemotherapy was evil and not the appropriate way to deal with it? That they should just "pray it away"? That would be ridiculous.    Would you deny one having an asthma attack access to a rescue inhaler, telling them, "You really don't need it. It's just in your head. Snap out of it! Just breathe normal like the rest of us! What's the matter with you?" I have asthma as well, btw, and if anyone ever told me that, I would probably never want to be around them again, and have to control myself to not slap them. And yet, that is what so many people say to their friends and loved ones or acquaintances who suffer from depression. What would happen to a diabetic who neglected to take their insulin? I witnessed this happen to my grandma, who was driving, and I was scared. It is not a pretty thing.
    God, in His mercy and love, has provided modern-day medicine as a way to combat illness. Including mental illness. I will here publicly thank my dear, loving, merciful God in Heaven for my lexapro. The difference I felt after beginning to take anti-depressants was incredible. I felt so much more normal, so much happier, and so much more of myself. What a wonderful, amazing thing medicine is as a tool to help one combat depression.

Part 2: Counselors are provided to help people cope with problems, WHATEVER they may be. When I first started seeing a counselor, I felt like I was less of a person. I had always judged people who saw counselors as people with serious problems or sins or whatever, and told myself that such a "good" person as I should never resort to that. Those who utilize medicine or counselors are NOT of less worth to our Heavenly Father than those who do not. And if you think that way, I think it's time for a check on your pride. One who does not go to a counselor is not more loved by God. In fact, I bet God is proud of His children that are proactive in trying to battle and cope with their difficulties by using all of the appropriate resources that He has provided. In fact, I find it humorous to say, "My shrink told me...." And for those who are wondering what it's like, no, I do not lie down on a reclining couch. :) If you are still not convinced, then you will find it interesting to note that BYU offers counseling to its students. Honestly, if God didn't approve of it, then counseling would not be available.
  If you go to BYU, the university offers free counseling services to all full-time students. If you are a  part-time student, I believe that you can go to the Student Health Center, where you can pay to see a counselor. I highly recommend it. It's very confidential, and it helps so much to have someone to just talk to who won't judge you, and rather will help you through it.



The saddest thing about these myths, is that not only are they held by those who do not have depression, but often held by those who do have it. To you, reader, who has been telling yourself these things, I tell you that it is not your fault that you have depression. Don't guilt yourself even more for feeling like you should be able to control it and can't understand why you can't. It is appropriate to get help...and you should.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog! This post will be my introduction.

A little bit about myself: my name is Angela, I am 23 years old and currently studying at Brigham Young University. I am studying Art Education with a minor in psychology. I recently returned from missionary service in the Paraguay Asuncion North Mission, where I preached the word of God and battled horrible weather, less-than-ideal living conditions, all kinds of vermin, doubts, weaknesses, and learned just how much I could handle with the help of God. I love the arts, I love to make people laugh, I spontaneously dance and sing, and cherish the small wonderful moments that happen throughout my day. And I have depression.

Most people are shocked when I tell them I have depression. Their responses are usually something like, "But you always seem so happy!""You? I never would have guessed!", etc. Let me tell you, I was just as shocked. I hope this dispels one myth about depression--that depressed people never appear happy. I would have to say, I almost always appear happy. In fact, there are plenty of moments that I truly am. However, deep down in the shadows of my heart there lies a constant, gnawing ache...an ache that cannot be prayed, sung, or repented away. It is like a cancer that needs to be treated, but its presence seems invisible to those who do not feel it.

Depression is something I would never wish on anyone. It eats at the soul, surrounds life with darkness, and sucks the joy out of life. HOWEVER, I am eternally grateful for the things I have learned from it. The purpose of this blog will be to share the things I have learned from it in order to help others cope with it as well, as well as provide understanding to those who do not have this condition. This blog is created out of a deep love and empathy for you, my friend, who has depression and feels like no one understands. This is also created out of a need to express the feelings that I deeply hold, the truths I have learned, and a strong desire to dispel the many notorious myths about depression, especially those held within a religious context.

May you find more understanding through what I share.
--Ang