Some Lies we tell ourselves

1: "I am worthless/I am a failure."

2: "God could never love me."

3: "There's just no point anymore. Why am I even trying?"


Let's tackle these. And I'd love to hear your insights as well.

1) I am worthless/ I am a failure: Holy smokes I felt this one all the time on my mission. Every time I didn't make my numbers, I felt like I had failed. If only I had enough faith, or better time-management, or had the Spirit more...  It took me a long time to really believe that I had actually been of some use. A letter from a convert...a comment from a member we worked with about her feeling the Spirit with us... just little things.

Lesson learned--look for the little things that prove this idea wrong. A small accomplishment here...service rendered by your own hand... look back on all you have done and accomplished. Goodness gracious, you are worth so much, and have accomplished so much, and will yet accomplish many things. There was some quote I read from pinterest.com that says something like, "No matter how slow you're going, you're still lapping everyone on the couch." So true!

"For who can find a virtuous woman (or man)? For her (or his) price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10

And for those who feel like they have no virtue due to mistakes, or whatever the reason, you are still doing so much good. If you have ever been a friend to anyone, said a kind word to someone, tried to help someone out--you are contributing in building the Lord's kingdom.


2) God could never love me: I cringe when I recall that by a year into my mission, I truly believed this. I thought I was such a failure as a missionary, that there was just know way that God could love me. Fortunately I now recognize that that was a dirty, terrible lie from the adversary. It doesn't matter how much we mess up, "His hand is stretched out still." Just read a couple chapters from the Book of Mormon, and you will see verse after verse reflecting God and Christs' infinite and unbiased love for each one us. Even you! In the book of Moses, Moses is with God and He is looking over the earth, and you know what God did? He wept. Moses was shocked--this, the Great God and Ruler of the universe, was crying??? Over what?? Our Heavenly Father was weeping for us. His children. Because He was so heartbroken that we would sin--we, who He loves so much.

We don't have to be perfect to deserve God's love. His love is not something that we have to earn. We can count on His love as being constant--no matter how shaky and crazy your life is, His love for His children will not and cannot change. Do we deserve it? ...mmmm questionable.... but that doesn't matter! He loves us anyway.

3) There's no point anymore:

Many of us have thought this as the alarm clock has gone off and we have to face another day. Or maybe the thought comes in the darkness after secretly sobbing our heart and soul out.

But this is what Satan wants you to believe. That there is no point. He wants to make us "miserable like unto himself." If he can get us to lose our very will, he wins. It is here that we lose the eternal perspective.

So what is that eternal perspective? It is that if we truly give up, we give away the chance for eternal happiness, glory, and exaltation. Eternal families and Godhood. To live with our Heavenly Father and Christ again. I mean we give all this up if we REALLY give up not just for a moment, but forever. Whether that be by taking your own life when you know you shouldn't, or living as if nothing mattered for the remainder of your life. I sure hope it never gets that bad. But for some it does.

You are so loved. Not only by God, but by the people in your life as well. People are counting on you--future or current children, a future or current spouse. Future posterity. The work of God depends on your however seemingly small actions.

Remember: Good thoughts that draw you to God come from God. Bad thoughts that turn you away from Him are from Satan. It's that simple.

I'd love to know what helps you battle these thoughts, or what other "lies" we tell ourselves that we could discuss.

Hugs!

Update!

Okay, so I feel it appropriate to just update a little on my own life. I only share this to show how far I've come, and how much it's even surprised me.

I have been called to be the Relief Society President of my ward.

Crazy.

If someone had told me that I'd be an RS president at the age of 23 (and less than a year after my mission), I would have been really surprised. And yet, as soon as I found out that the last RS president was moving, the thought/impression immediately came: "It could be me..."  And then last Sunday the secretary called me to say the Bishop wanted to see me. At that,  I was about 90% sure I was about to get this calling, since the Bishop NEVER has asked to see me--all my other callings were extended by his 1st Counselor. So, once the call came, I actually wasn't too surprised.

But I have NEVER had any kind of Relief Society calling before. Ever. Not visiting teaching supervisor, enrichment or ANYTHING. So, this is going to be quite the adventure! And I couldn't be more excited. :) I kept the 1st Counselor the same, and the secretary automatically stays the same, and after meeting with them, I just felt like this is going to be awesome. Like really really stretching for me, but really incredible.

I just need to be aware of not guilting myself out when things don't go perfectly. I feel like I've learned from the mission and with depression to not do that. It's not healthy. Constructive criticism is always fine, but overly beating oneself up about anything is not okay, and does not come from God.

Also, I've been unnaturally tired lately...like I have to sleep through my lunch breaks just to make it through the rest of the day, even after getting 7-8 hours of sleep. I'm getting tested for sleep apnea, but it looks like mono could be a culprit...booooo.  So, the health issues haven't been fun, but whatevs.

Anyway, I know this isn't a typical post for this blog, but I thought I'd just update everyone.

I find it amazing that I have been able to progress from depression so fast. It gives me a lot of hope for other people, and I completely know that my experiences with depression have helped prepare me to receive this calling...which my Bishop said as well.

Anyway, it's going to be an adventure!!

~hugs!~

self-image

I think this sums it up pretty well. :)

When sin is involved

I've been thinking a bit about sin, and how that affects depression. Most of my posts are catered to those who deal with depression even though they haven't committed any big transgressions or anything. However, I want to talk just a tad about how repentance is a HUGE key in overcoming depression when sin is in the picture.

I'm reading a book called Hard Questions, Prophetic Answers by Daniel Judd, a former member of the General Sunday School presidency, and who also taught one of my Book of Mormon classes at BYU. Among topics such as divorce, homosexuality, and abuse, there is a section on depression. I 100% believe this book to be inspired. He discusses how there are some plagued by depression because they have committed some serious sins, and although they try therapy and medication, their depression doesn't go away until they have repented.

Now, repentance doesn't just mean feeling bad for a little and apologizing. What it really means is to change. It's a change of heart. It's matching our will with God's. Repentance isn't some uncomfortable word that should be painful to hear. It simply means to change, by accessing the Atonement. Ofttimes change requires swallowing our stubborn pride and admitting that we're wrong. Sometimes it means a terrifying but needed trip to the Bishop, who is called by God to help you. It always means getting on our knees and pleading for God's help to change our imperfect selves. And it also requires patience.

I love the story in the Book of Helaman when the Lamanites and the "inactive member" Nephite are in the prison where Lehi and Nephi are kept, and this huge shadow overcomes them. The quiet yet penetrating voice of the Lord commands them to them to repent. The Lamanites panic and ask what they should do to remove the darkness, and the Nephite, in an inspired recollection of his former testimony cries, "Ye must repent, and cry unto the voice, even until ye shall have faith in Christ, who was taught unto you...and when ye shall do this, the cloud of darkness shall be removed from overshadowing you."

And then something incredible happens. They all began to plead to the voice that they had heard until, and the cloud dissipated, and they looked around and "they saw that they were encircled about, yea, every soul, by a pillar of fire...yet it did harm them not, neither did it take hold upon the walls of the prison; and they were filled with that joy which is unspeakable and full of glory....and it came to pass that there came a voice unto them, yea, a pleasant voice, as if it were a whisper, saying: Peace, peace be until you, because of your faith in my Well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world." (Helaman 5, The Book of Mormon).

Holy smokes. I remember reading that and thinking--wow, that can TOTALLY be applied to depression! This dark, terrible cloud that is is replaced with glorious joy when we repent and have faith on the Savior. And I'm NOT talking about the times that we unnecessarily guilt ourselves out over miniscule things (see my earlier post "sins vs. mistakes"). I mean the times when we know we have sinned against God and we need to repent.

I promise that it works! We don't need to suffer, because Christ already did that for us. He suffered out of complete, pure love for each of us, so that we don't have to suffer the consequences of sin if we repent. His plan, God's plan, is so beautiful.

If we don't repent, it's like staying trapped in a deep, dark hole, and refusing to grab the rope that the Savior has let down for us to take hold of...It's the only way out.

God Bless America

Okay, this weekend was a little intense for me.

FIRST off, I got to meet the incredible BECKY!!! I met her via e-mail--she served in my same mission awhile back while also battling depression, and she has been the hugest blessing in my life in overcoming this obstacle. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her. She is amazing. AMAZING. It was awesome to finally meet her in person after being pen pals since November.

We went to Idaho Falls to spend time with my brother-in-law's family. Two missionaries in their family came home and so they had a special fireside at which they both spoke. I guess that, although I've come a long way from before, I still have a lot of healing to do, because I couldn't even make it through the first half of the fireside without having mission depression feelings rise up. I guess it's still just hard to hear of peoples "wonderful" missions and the blessings from working hard/being obedient/being worthy etc....blessings that I had worked so hard for and almost never saw, despite working just as hard, being obedient, and being worthy myself. Those that don't understand where I come from would probably say something like, "Just get over it! Missions are hard!" And to those people I'd like to say, "Okay, you go on a mission with depression and come back and tell me again to just get over it. Then we can talk." But,  for most of the rest of the fireside, I kept myself distracted with the little kids. I guess one of the hardest parts about that is that missionary firesides used to be so powerful and inspiring to me growing up. I looked forward to the RM firesides and the strong spirit that they invoked. But now for me they only dig up memories that are hard to bear. But that's okay. It's just how it is right now, and I hold on to the hope that one day I will overcome things like missionary firesides.

Moving on. 

Last night we got to watch the amazing firework display put on by Idaho Falls. Holy smokes. It was honestly the BEST firework display I've seen...and I've seen a lot of them. The Fourth of July has probably become my 2nd favorite holiday next to Christmas. It totally brings me back to Paraguay...because in Paraguay I became so much more patriotic. A year ago, to celebrate the 4th, my comp and I made red jell-o and sang the national anthem for our companion study, and for church we sang "Battle Hymn of the Republic," since I picked the hymns and that's the only patriotic song in the Spanish hymn book. It was in Paraguay that I really became so grateful for my home country. And so, I thought last night as I watched the fireworks, of the little things about America that I am grateful for. I thought I'd put a list here:

• being able to flush the toilet paper
• not worrying about where my next meal will come from
• having more than 10 options to choose from at meal time
• carpet. Blessed carpet.
• constant hot water
• non-electric showers.
• not having spiders bigger than a quarter in my pension
• not needing to deal with vermin
• not having chivivi (diarrhea) on a weekly basis
• not sweating my guts out 9 months of the year straight
• fast food
• home cooked food
• not seeing dogs in the hallways of hospitals
• soldiers that fight for my country
• technology at my fingertips
• not worrying if my creaking bed will break while I sleep
• not needing to worry 24/7 about getting mugged or having my house broken into
• cars that function
• cheese that doesn't taste like it's been rotting for a week
• milk that isn't stored on the shelf and that tastes really good
• food safety laws
• clean water. all the time.
• never seeing a house made out of trash
• Things that smell good. Like lotion. 
• Being able to dress cute. (Yes, I know that this one is more shallow, but I was tired of dressing like a hobo for a year and a half)
• Cereal! Lots of it!!!
• A full pantry and fridge
• strong wards almost everywhere 
• going to church and not worrying if the whole bishopric and relief society presidency will remain active
• not needing to shower in flip flops
• being able to walk around the house barefoot without fear of obtaining skin-burrowing parasites
• not watching my house fall apart before my eyes
• police that do their job
• access to good meds

Okay I'll stop there, even though I know I could keep going. Actually, I'll be surprised if you even read the whole list. Anyway, basically, what I really want to say, is GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

Why do you love America? I'd love to hear your comments. :)

God's Purposes

There was a scripture and comment that was made today in Sunday school that really intrigued me.

Here's the scripture:

(God is speaking here.) "For behold, this is my work and my glory--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." Moses 1:39

Then, the visiting stake high council member made the comment, "If you had the responsibility of helping a soul obtain eternal life, how would you do it?"

 Woah, I'd never thought of that. Everything God does is to help us be prepared for eternal life and to become as He is, and to become as He is, well, we can't just be handed everything. So I thought about that. If I were a God and was in charge of helping people be prepared for eternal life, I'd have to give them trials. There would be no other way for them to grow, no other way for them to be prepared. You don't grow by only having blessings. We have to have an opposition in all things. Our trials are God's way of preparing us for eternal life. As hard and miserable as they are...there is a bigger picture. I don't think every trial comes from God by any means--many are results of our own disobedience or the disobedience of others, but there is an eternal, massive picture greater than any of us can see. It's just so hard to see when our spiritual eyes are blurred by dark clouds of depression or other trials. I also do believe that Satan so cunningly uses depression to his advantage in trying to destroy, tempt, and discourage us, but if we do everything within our power to help ourselves, while relying on the Lord, we will be lifted up, even if it isn't as soon as we would like.

God loves us so much, and wants us to not only return to Him, but to become like Him. Pause and think of how your trials have made you better. Maybe you're more understanding. You've likely been able to help others as well. You're definitely stronger. Your Heavenly Father is molding you into something bigger than our earthly eyes and mind can comprehend.

Savior, Redeemer of My Soul

Okay, so about a week ago, I went on a date and we saw the movie "17 Miracles," which is about the Willie Handcart Company. Now first of all, I'm usually skeptical about Mormon films, because, let's be honest, most of them are not well done. I appreciate them, I just think we can do better. However, this movie was pretty good. What made it powerful though, was that it was based on true events.

Second of all, I hate crying in front of people. So much so, that almost no guy has ever seen me cry, and I NEVER cry in the theater.

Long story short....I totally cried. (And so did my date...so I didn't feel so bad.) The movie made me think of my mission and I thought of the horrendous trials that the Saints went through. And they played this song called "Savior, Redeemer of My Soul" in it, and it was beautiful . So beautiful, that yesterday I played it over and over while at work. I'm pretty sure it's my new favorite hymn-like song, tied with "Come Thou Fount" and "I Feel My Savior's Love." It's one of those successful hymns that has both beautiful lyrics, and a beautiful melody. So, here are a couple versions of it. In the first one (my favorite one), the actual song doesn't start until about 2:12.