However, I have this really unfortunate chronic disease called asthma. If you don't have asthma, try strangling yourself for about ten minutes or so, or put something down your throat to block 80% of the oxygen flow, and that's a lot of what it's like. And aerobic exercise induces it for me. I was getting so involved in my jog though, and so determined to give it my all, and since most noise was drowned out by the splashing rain, I didn't notice how bad my asthma was until I'd returned home and shut the door. I pretty much had to crawl up the stairs to get the meds I needed, and since I'm out of rescue inhalers, spent the next 10 minutes sucking gaseous medication out of a nebulizer.
While in this state of a mild asthma attack, I realized that what I had just done was a lot like what I do in regards to depression. I run run run, go go go, and tell myself I can do it, I drown out the warning signs until the anxiety and depression get worse, and work myself until I nearly have a mental and/or emotional breakdown. This was especially true on the mission, where breaks were limited to 8 hours of a P-day on Mondays...and that's it, and the rest of the week you worked your tail off. At least, if we had tails, they would have been worked off. There was so much pressure from all sorts of places, and I worked worked worked until I pretty much barely functioned, and when I got home my mental capacities went into complete shut-down mode. Now that I'm back in school, I find myself doing the same thing--work work work, telling myself I can do it, that I should do (or else I'll be a disappointment, or for whatever reason), until I'm so stressed that even writing a 1-page paper takes four hours.
While making this connection, the scripture came to mind from Mosiah 4:27:
"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster that he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."
I realized that God does not expect me to do more than I can. Stretch myself, yes, but to understand my limits. Not everyone can run at the same pace--some lucky people are olympic racers, some people do marathons with or without ease, some people like me, an asthmatic, are lucky to do a 5k, and some people don't even have legs. God understands our weaknesses. He even gives us some of them.
"...I give unto men weakness that they may be humble." Ether 12:27
It would be unrealistic to expect a wheelchair-bound individual to compete in an olympic race. But let me get this straight too--a wheelchair-bound person would never ever ever be considered less of a person to God than the gold-medalist. We have different capacities. And we need to be gentle with ourselves. Take a break when you need to. Find out what works for you. Maybe meditation or yoga is a good stress-reliever. Maybe running. Perhaps creating. Maybe sleeping for awhile. Or treating yourself to something. Yes, we should stretch ourselves. But everyone knows that a rubber band stretched too far will eventually snap and break. Be aware of warning signs, especially when you start to feel those dark feelings creeping in. Try to stop them before they get too far. But you need to figure out what works for you--I can't do that for you.
The Ether 12: 27 scripture offers so much hope. Here's the whole verse:
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
WOW. First off, God loves us enough to give us weaknesses...to be humble... but why???? Why is that necessary??? Well, the opposition of humility is PRIDE. Pride is what destroyed the whole Nephite AND Jaredite nations from the Book of Mormon...and countless others from the Bible. Yikes. So, weaknesses are a good thing. But remember that humility does not mean beating yourself up and telling yourself how worthless you are. Ew. No. NOOO!! Humility is recognizing where your true strength lies: in the Lord. And it means giving credit where credit is due. Which is usually to the Lord since it is through Him that all things are possible and He is the only reason why we are actually able to overcome our trials, including that whole death and mortal existence part. Humility is understanding your relationship with God and with Jesus Christ.
Second, His grace is sufficient. What a relief, and what hope that brings. His grace is enough to help us. We don't always feel it in those dark moments, but He is there...because He knows EXACTLY what you've felt. You don't need to work yourself to death and feel like you will never be good enough...His grace is enough to fill what you cannot reach.
Thirdly, He "will make weak things become strong unto [us]." Woah. You mean, mental illness can be a strength....???? You're probably thinking something like, "No, I'm an exception" or "Yeah right, this chick has no idea what she's talking about" or "How the heck can what I have be a STRENGTH to me???" But I didn't make that scripture up. That is straight out of God's mouth. You have probably gained some incredible skills and strengths through your weaknesses. But once again, you will have to do some soul-searching and discover them yourself...and get on your knees and ask Heavenly Father to help reveal them to you. That is a huge promise at the end of that verse of scripture. And I know that God keeps His promises. He says that over and over--He always keeps His end of the deal. Otherwise He would cease to be God. And then we would cease to be. Which means, God is still keeping His promises. Including to YOU. You are not an exception.
Summary: Be kind to yourself and understand your limits and give yourself some little breaks if you need to. Olympic runners didn't become champions overnight...it took a lot of practice...and even they had to learn to walk once too. And know that your weaknesses are molding you into a better person and can become a strength.
Angie...you totally get it. This is beautiful.
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