Now I want to revert back to the theme of feeling God's love. From the last post you will remember that I stopped believing that God loved me. From what I have heard, this is not a unique experience, especially for missionaries who suffer from depression. The thing was, I knew I'd been told my whole life that God loved me, and I could remember experiences feeling His love, and in my mind I knew that He did, and I wanted to hope that He did, but I could not feel it. My heart refused to feel it. I lost almost all sense of self-worth.
However, I am finding that the Atonement provides healing. I want to share how I've been able to feel that love again, or at least recognize it, in hopes that someone who has been feeling the same can find that same healing and love that is so essential to feel.
The first was through Priesthood Blessings. Remember that, up until the very end of my mission, I did not know it was depression that was making me feel so down. In one of my interviews with my loving mission president, I expressed how I still was having a hard time getting excited about the work and feeling happy. I asked him if he would give me a blessing, and he said he would be honored to. I don't remember everything he said, but I do remember clearly one thing that always stuck to me: to dispel the discouraging thoughts I was having--they are of the Adversary. So, all those bad thoughts of my self-worth were just deceptive lies thrown on me by Satan. God never ever would discourage us. But oh, how the devil will.
A couple of transfers later, I found myself at another low. I was training for the first time, was senior companion for the first time, our area was notorious for being one of the worst areas and the branch hadn't seen progress for 20 years. Yes, I was discouraged. My new mission president suggested I get a blessing from my district or zone leader. So when reporting my numbers one night, when Elder Lapeira from Columbia asked if they could do anything for us, I made my request. He seemed surprised, but more than willing. So the next day, after district meeting, we went to a spare room so I could have a blessing. However, since he did not speak any English, it was determined that his companion, Elder Anderson would do it. Elder Anderson was only on his second transfer in the field, and had never given a blessing of comfort before. It was the shortest blessing I've probably received. But it was one of the most powerful. That humble, new Elder said everything that my heart had been aching so much to know
"Your Heavenly Father is aware of you and your diligence...Your Heavenly Father is so proud of you...Sister Henderson, your Heavenly Father loves you so much. He wants you to feel His love..."
The tears could not be held back. God was aware of me. And not just that, God was proud of me? Really?? He knew how hard I was working...and He was proud. That right there lifted a huge burden, for I had felt all those months that God had been disappointed in me. And He loved me and wanted me to feel it. I realized that maybe why I couldn't feel it, wasn't because Heavenly Father was withholding it from me, but because I was blocking it. Looking back, I don't think I knew how to let it in. There are still many days where I don't know how. A barrier of doubt blocks it... but as I am learning to just hope that God loves me, the barrier slowly is pulled down, brick by brick, until the hope becomes belief.
Another huge influence in feeling God's love again has been through reading the Book of Mormon. Over and over and over again, the Savior demonstrated His unconditional love. Unconditional. That word means "without conditions." As in, no matter how badly I screw things up, how much I even sin, how far I stray, how many bad feelings I hold....Christ still loves me. Whether I baptize 0 or 100, get a 2.0 GPA or 4.0...whether I go to college or just am able to work a part-time job or am unemployed.... whether I have many talents or don't seem to have any....He still loves me. And He still loves you. WOW. That is a lot of love. He emphasizes over and over in the scriptures how His arm "is stretched out still"...as in, even when we are messing up royally....He is still reaching His hand out to us in mercy, calling us back to Him, hoping we will come.
A few days ago, in my reading, I reached 3 Nephi 17. That chapter has never been so powerful to me. As I read it, I could just feel the Savior's love pouring out for those Nephites. And the thought came, "He loves me that way too." He loves all of us that way. Wow. He prayed for them, blessed them, wept for them, and even thanked His Father for them. He loves us so much. And the Savior's mission was to do the will of His Father. Which means that our Heavenly Father loves us that much too. And although we do not talk about her, I have no doubts that our Heavenly Mother loves us that much too. That makes three people who infinitely love us. How incredible is that????
So, on days when you don't feel that love, when you feel alone despite everyone telling you you're not...just start with hoping to believe that God loves you. I testify that He does. I know that He does. Because I have felt it. Not as much as I have wanted to...but through working at overcoming this obstacle of depression, I have had moments of reassuring peace and a feeling of heavenly love touch me. Sometimes just a little, and sometimes overwhelmingly so. I challenge you to seek that love for yourself.
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